A certain computer company, named after a piece of fruit, released a major operating system update to their tablet and cell phone line a couple of days ago. It is touted to be the best operating system EVER and will offer over 200 improvements to their popular products.
The geekosphere has been all abuzz about it, and the newsfeed on one of my social sites is full of comments about, what must surely be, the greatest advancement in portable computing equipment for at least two months.
Now, I’m not exactly a luddite, and I’m all for progress, but seriously, are all of these updates really necessary? Was there something wrong with my tablet? Does my smartphone need more educations? Will this new operating system, named after some large cat, fix all of the things on my laptop that were perfectly fine before?
Or is it going to answer all of my prayers and do everything I wished for?
Will I finally be able to upload the pictures of my food to my anti-social network and have my phone translate my drunken ramblings into a witty caption that will captivate my grandmother and present a double entendre, that will make me look intelligent for the clerk at the drugstore that I just added to my acquaintance list?
Will autocorrect finally read my mind and not put embarrassing things into my texts? Will my new map application be able to find obscure points in vagina? IN VIRGINIA! I MEANT VIRGINIA!
Will it download the latest shameful video from a disgraced reality TV show before I even know I want to see it? Scratch that… NEED to see it?
I was at my local coffee shop today, reading the news on my second generation tablet, and sipping a $37 coffee that is made from fairly organic trade coffee beans that were roasted one at a time in a solar powered oven made from recycled machine guns that were acquired by a wandering naked man in San Diego who wanted to “cover the night”.
Suddenly, right in the middle of an article featuring grainy royal mammary pictures, I was informed that my operational system was completely obsolete and I needed to download this new system.
I was led to a menu where it listed all of the amazing new features that were going to be offered, including many that wouldn’t work on my very very old tablet that I bought brand new last year on the first day it was available. But it promised to be the most awesome upgrade of all time, even more so than the most awesome upgrade of all time that was required five months ago.
So I pressed the download button and was presented with a thousand page document about the terms and conditions of this new awesome thing and an option to download said document, as a Cumbersome Document Format file, to peruse before I make a decision on my awesome download.
I was informed that my dreadfully obsolete, year old tablet doesn’t have enough memory to download the terms and conditions, so I take a chance and hit “agree”, and hope that this computer company doesn’t now have custody rights over my cat because of some weird Term or Condition.
A progress bar comes up and says that it will take six minutes to upload.
I look around the coffee shop, not used to the absence of a pixelated screen.
I lock eyes with a gentleman at the next table who has his smart phone in front of him. He nods knowingly and asks “Upgrade?”
“It’s going to be awesome… apparently”
“Ya… I heard that”
“Did you read about the new things that it does?”
“Ya. I can’t wait to use the 3D map of my living room option so I can find the remote for my smartphone”
“I think you need the newest smartphone to use that feature”
“Oh… I should get one of those”
“It’s not available until next week, and there’s a two month waiting list”
“Oh. I’m going to go get another coffee then”
“This is a coffee shop? My new map application said this was the free clinic!”
The barista informs me that they can’t get me a coffee because the solar powered roaster is in the middle of updating it’s operating system, so I collect my stuff and let my tablet continue to download over the 4G network, that doesn’t seem much faster than the old network that has less Gs… Geeze.
After the “six minute” progress bar is completed forty five minutes later, I was informed that a reconfiguration and decompression will take place after a reboot and I should be able to use my mobile device sometime in the next few days.
I couldn’t wait, so I dusted off my last cellphone and started blogging about it just now.
Wow… I can’t believe how fast this thing is…