GAWD I’m tired…


When people talk about commodities, they are usually talking about money, or gold, or other riches. They may also be talking about commodity markets where valuable things are traded and invested in. These days many people buy shares in gold, silver, copper, and other valuable commodities and invest their future in these goods…

… but there is a commodity that I wish could be invested in, and then withdrawn when we needed it. Sleep.

That would be so cool. We could deposit sleep into an account and withdraw it when ever we needed it! There could be sleep banks, sleep bonds, automated sleep machines, and sleep interest. Everytime we lose an hour of sleep we could bank it for use later, and it gains interest the longer we bank it… although at today’s sleep-interest rates, we would only gain a few seconds every year…

But we could also apply for sleep credit with Master Sleep cards or American Rest or Vizzzzzzzzzzzza…. although the interest rate on those might be a bit steep…. for every hour of sleep we use, we then have to stay up an hour and 29 minutes to repay the Credit Sleep companies… maybe I’ll get a Line of Respite with the Sleep Bank instead. I can use my pillow as collateral.

We can also plan ahead for our futures using R.R.S.P.s. Investment in our Registered Retirement Sleep Plans could be contributed to five minutes a time. All we need to do is set our alarms 5 minutes early every morning and we contribute to our retirement rest. And the sleep earned on your retirement sleep plans could be claimed on your sleep taxes every year.

OH GOD! Sleep tax! Part of your 56 weekly hours of sleep would have to go to the government! Two and a half hours of sleep a night would be taken off in taxes! The I.R.S. or Internal Restlessness Service would have to conduct sleep audits and levy fines and jail time for sleep evasion… Creepy guys in suits would have to follow us around everywhere.

“Hey, I saw you take the cat nap on the bus… you have to claim that you know… And are you reading the Twilight Saga? That will put you asleep almost right away! You have to claim that too!”

All of this sleep business would ultimately result in black market sleep traffic and organised crime police units would have to bust slumber parties and chamomile tea dens. Unisom and vermillion would become controlled substances and be sold in dime bags on street corners.

The snooze button would be illegal and owning one a capital offence.

Wars would break out between countries who had stock piles of comfortable beds. The great Sealy Posturepedic mattress war between Luxembourg and Belgium would last for years and cost countless lives. The United States and other countries would spend trillions of dollars on defense budgets including comforters and slip covers.

The world would slip into chaos as everybody would start hoarding their R.E.M.s and dreams.

Ok, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

I’m going back to bed before the Sleep Wake And Torpidity unit decide to raid all the slumber houses in the area…

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3 thoughts on “GAWD I’m tired…

  1. TD says:

    hey no sleeping on the console!!!

  2. carlrscott says:

    You’re gonna be sportin’ a fine case of Channel Cheek from that little nap, bucko.

  3. Ditto! Want to bank my sleepezzzz…..pleasezzzzz…..

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