The Courier Conspiracy

The other day I received one of those notes from a courier, that I found hanging on my door, telling me that one of their drivers had been by the house to drop off a package but there was no answer, so the package would be available at their depot for pickup.

I would have considered this a kindness, except for the fact that I was in the house the entire day and didn’t hear the doorbell or a knock or any other indication that a delivery was attmpted. I made my dismay known to the guy from the cable company, whose head was behind my TV, butchering my walls with a hacksaw to insert some wiring into the basement (more on that later).

The next day, I grabbed a bus to a bus stop, to wait 25 minutes for another bus, then to a different stop, just in time to watch the next bus I needed drive away, and let me wait another 15 minutes… for a bus. I then trekked across a snow filled field and arrived at the package depot for Federal United Package Express Courier conveniently located next to the airport during their business hours of 11am – 3pm (closed an hour and a half for lunch).

After waiting in line, behind the 20 other customers who seemed to have the same complaint that I had about being home and not hearing the delivery person, I just signed for my less than pristine package and went to leave the depot for the 3 busses that would take me back to my house.

On the way out, an employee dressed in the uniform of the F.U.P.E.C. ran towards me and with a terrified look on his face, handed me a CD, and whispered in my ear “tell the world” and then ran off with three other Federal United Package Express Courier uniforms chasing him.

I pocketed the disc, and made my way back to my domicile, and 13 hours later, when I arrived in my living room, I popped the CD into my computer. It turned out to be an audio CD, a recording of the radio chatter during the delivery to my house the day before. The following is a transcript of that recording:

“Radio Check”

“Good check”

“Is everybody in place? Do we have eyes on the subject?”

“Roger that. Delivery agent is carefully hidden in the bushes, and we have eyes on the subject’s residence both from the air and on the ground.”

“OK people, it is O eight hundred hours, where is the home owner?”

“Subject is on his couch in direct contact with his front door.”

“Understood. I guess we wait. Any bathroom activity?”

“Not yet, but that could change anytime. Subject is eating a bowl of Bran.”

“Roger that. Standby, everybody stay frosty.”

:static: :silence: :static:

“Ok, it’s been an hour. Report.”

“Subject is still in the living room on his couch.”

“Ten Four. Let’s do some reconnaissance. Send in Wilson”

“Roger. Operation Raffle Ticket is now in effect.”

:More static:

“Wilson is in place… he’s ringing the doorbell… he has stepped into the foyer to get warm… can’t quite see what’s happening…. wait… here he comes.”

“Wilson! Report!”

“Subject is sacked into his living room with snacks and coffee and the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I think he’s on the episode where Buffy and Cordy compete for Homecoming Queen while Mr. Trick organizes SlayerFest ’98. Willow and Xander just kissed”

“Aww crap, that episode is pretty early in that season. We’re gonna be here awhile.”

“On the plus side, subject bought two tickets to the raffle benefiting the war brides of the Crimean War.”

“Excellent work Wilson. We now have money for our coffee break later.”

:More static:

“SUBJECT IS ON THE MOVE! REPEAT, SUBJECT IS ON THE MOVE! He seems to be moving towards the bathroom.”

“Ten Four, lets do this. Delivery in place, commencing…”

“ABORT ABORT! It’s a false alarm, he went to pick up a cat. Subject is still near the front door.”

“Dammit. That was close! We have to be more careful!”

“Well this wouldn’t happen if headquarters would give us those infra-red heat scopes like we asked for!” We are limited to what we see through the windows!”

“I’ll register another complaint when we get back.”


“We have a bogey incoming… repeat, a bogey is incoming”

“Is it a guest? A visitor? Two subjects will make this operation much more difficult!”

“Negative… looks like a van from a cable company…”

“Ten Four. Unidentified cable guy, identify yourself.”

“This is Steve from Steve-Oh’s Crappy Cable. I’m here to do a service call. Who is this?”

“Federal United Package Express Courier, here to make a delivery.”

“Ten Four. I won’t tip your hand.”

“We appreciate that Steve.”


“Steve, what are you waiting for?”

“Oh, the subject was told that a service person would arrive between the hours of 7am and 2pm… I’m waiting until 1:59 pm to approach the residence.”

“Ten Four Steve. If you ever get tired of the cable game, there’s a place for you in Federal United Package Express Courier.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.”


“Ok guys, I’m heading in. I’ll try to help you guys out.”

“That would be much appreciated, you TV guys are alright.”

“Anything for the F.U.P.E.C.”

“Ten Four, thanks Steve, and God speed brave cable man, God speed.”


“Wait a sec… wait a sec… we have movement… subject seems to be… CONFIRMED SUBJECT IS HEADING TO THE BATHROOM!”

“Ten Four. Delivery in place, commencing deployment.”

“We have confirmation, a thumbs up from Steve!”

“Way to go Steve-Oh! Ok, this is it! GO! GO! GO! GO!”

“Delivery personnel on the move! Doorbell rung! Note Left! Mission accomplished in 4.1 seconds.”

“Ok, get your people out of there! Move! Move!”

“Deliverers are back in the bushes. Delivery complete.”

“Great time guys! Way to hustle!”

“Subject is now on his front steps with the note, shaking his fist at the sky and yelling obscenities at the clouds.”

“Well done, excellent work everybody. We will reconvene at the coffee shop to use the ‘raffle’ money that Wilson acquired and plan the next mission. This one is a package of cheese from the Extremely Perishable Fromage Company. Make sure it sits out in the sun for a few hours before we attempt this one.”

The recording ends there.

I don’t know what to say except to thank the brave Wilson for getting this out to the general public at great risk to himself, and to call and see about getting out of my contract with Steve and his crappy cable…


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