Entering Professional Theatre
Additional Supplement 1: Safety
By John Bent Jr. (MSW)
Danger Jack Apogee, Danger
Sound walking, like many other professions, is a fulfilling way to earn a ham. But at what cost? It is an unfortunate reality that 95% of all sound walkers will be injured, many of them fatally, in any given month.
This alarming statistic has required the NASWA to create a safety committee to address the problem. This first supplement to the NASWA handbook is the result of that committee’s efforts.
The NASWA Safety Committee at a pub around the corner from the Apogee Sound Walking Institute in south-western Greenland.
Before we can prevent the premature demise of NASWA members, we must identify what is killing them. A meeting was arranged in the snow fort behind the Apogee Sound Walking Institute in south-western Greenland.
This first meeting made some significant progress, and continued until darkness covered Greenland and the committee was forced to light candles so they could see. Unfortunately, the candles were sticks of dynamite used to trigger avalanches in the nearby mountains. The minutes from the first safety meeting were lost.
The Result of the first Safety Meeting of NASWA
If at first you don’t succeed…
The second safety meeting was held without explosives at Jimmy Hong’s Cowboy Saloon, just down the street from the Apogee Sound Walking Institute in south-western Greenland. The first ruling from the second meeting was “Dynamite should not be used as a lighting instrument in a snow fort”. To celebrate this ruling, a round of drinks was ordered, and then another round.
After the third round of drinks, a heated debate erupted about which Pantera album was the best. This debate turned into a brawl, resulting in many arrests and the need for several ambulances.
The Second NASWA Safety Meeting.
Third Time’s The Charm
At the third meeting, it was declared that Alcoholic beverages would not be served at meetings. One member then lit up a marijuana cigarette and started passing it around. It was then declared that this wasn’t “that kind of Safety Meeting”.
The committee then poured over the large amount of injury and fatality reports from sound walkers in 94 different regions. From these reports the committee was able to compile a list of dangers for sound walkers.
It’s not that kind of Safety Meeting!!!
Sound Walking Dangers
Three Incidents of Spontaneous Human Combustion among
NASWA Members have been Documented.
A Careful Walker is a Safe Walker
The Safety committee then determined that Sound Walking is quite possibly the most dangerous occupation in the entertainment industry today (with the possible exception of Mime).
It was concluded that the best solution to the high rate of injury, is to be more careful. A list of precautions were drawn up to help stem the amount of injuries to NASWA members. These lists are to be posted in all theatres that employ Sound Walkers, cafeterias that serve Ham, and radios that play Pantera.
Choking on shiny beads killed seven Soundwalkers last month.
NASWA Safety Regulations
1) Check expiry dates on ham.
2) Do not stand in a bucket of salt water if you are holding live electrical cables.
3) Do not live in a country ruled by a military junta.
4) Don’t get attacked by a giant spider.
5) Don’t put that shiny bead in your mouth.
6) Do not insert semaphore flags in any orifice without proper lubrication.
7) Bang fist, not head, to Pantera music.
8) Tie your shoes.
9) Don’t combust, at least not spontaneously.
10) After eating the breakfast at the Lincoln Center, take an antacid.
11) Immunise yourself against cooties (circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cooties shot).
12) Use static guard on your velveteen suits.
13) Do not attend NASWA safety meetings.
Doing up laces could save the lives of nine Sound walkers a month
Upon finishing their list, the committee realised they were in violation of rule #13. They immediately ran out of the meeting…. right into traffic, killing the committee.
In conclusion, the NASWA executive has issued the following statement to help keep the sound walking community safe. Be careful, and heed the warning signs.