Facebook Statuses


This page is a list of all of my Facebook status updates since 2006. It used to be a Facebook group called JBJ Status Updates or What is that jackass up to now. I moved it to here.

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John is considering enrollment into the same master acting classes that World Cup Soccer players take…

John sometimes goes on pub-crawls just for Schlitz and giggles…

John was making pancakes, but had to call I.T. because he kept getting a stack overflow. Apparently he is supposed to reboot and the and then jiggle the batter…

John is trying to stuff an old encyclopedia into the battery compartment of his laptop because knowledge is power…

John thinks that Orphan may be the new Black…

John is with the rest of the crew at MTC performing their duties as stage hands for the Jazz Festival. So, technically, this week they are Jazz Hands…

John is installing a dimmer switch on the internet.

John notices that “automated” isn’t necessarily automatic…

John is playing Pinball Wizard while drinking a double double so Tim Horton’s can hear The Who…

John thought that The Winnipeg Sun dot com was a fake satirical website…

John thought that Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser was some kind of Dungeons and Dragons weapon used against wizards…

John is making terrible jokes in honour of national cheese day…

John is at the Starbucks getting creeped out by the life sized Oprahs that are everywhere, but is looking under his chair for a free latte just in case…

John started a new company called “Great Manitoban Organic”. Sales are sluggish and there is a large group outside with signs and torches…

John is at the bakery ordering a baker’s gross of croissants, but doesn’t know whether that’s 145, 156, or 169. Baker’s math is hard.

John is playing basketball in a pair of tap shoes….

John clicked on the link; fell for the headline, but it turns out that he wasn’t blown away, it wasn’t the most amazing thing he had ever seen, #6 wasn’t fabulous, #24 didn’t hurt his brain, #11 didn’t disgust him. The singing kid was ok, the cat was pretty cute, and actually, ya, he was expecting what happened.

John is at the Safeway, mourning expensive cheese…

John is removing the doors from chest freezers, duct taping a leaf blower inside, and selling them as air conditioners.

John thinks it’s nice that his credit card company has so much interest in his activities; his bank account isn’t very interested at all…

John notices that the company who makes the frozen pizza, and tells you to cook it right on the oven rack, is the same company that makes the oven cleaner…

John loves the three eyed potato that dances on a November afternoon but reads the fashion magazine upside down. He has no sequitur whatsoever…

John is going to the open tryouts for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers just as soon as he can get his sock garters untangled…

John is in St Boniface practicing his French on the clerks and shop keepers in the area. They hate it just as much as the European ones did.

John is going to France to get away from all of the wine, cheese, and baguettes in Wales…

John is going to Wales to get away from the damp fog of Winnipeg…

John understands complex acoustical equations, Umberto Eco’s “Foucault’s Pendulum”, Yoshifumi Hyakutake’s paper “Quantum Near Horizon Geometry of Black 0-Brane” and the ground breaking work on the Holographic Principle in string theory, but “Yo Gabba Gabba” is still a complete frickin mystery…

John is trying to lose weight so he put a padlock on his fridge. He shouldn’t have used a chocolate padlock…

John is at the Safeway and he can’t decide if the overly processed frozen food product, made with certified organic ingredients, is really a step up from the fresh GMO vegetables and fruit in the next aisle…

John thinks that the hasenpfeffer he’s having for lunch may be the reason he didn’t get any chocolate today… (Easter)

John had a great Good Friday, and is now having a great Mediocre Saturday morning…

John was taught to fish, but didn’t know you needed a licence to feed yourself for a lifetime…

John is impressed with his frozen microwave pasta meal. It contains aluminium potassium sulfate, calcium ferrocyanide, disodium ethylenediaminetetraacetate , and potassium sodium tartrate. No meat, just chemicals. It’s good to see a vegan option in the frozen food section…

John is consulting with the Sherpa on the best way to climb Laundry Mountain and plant a flag in its peak. Base camp will be on Bath Towel Plateau where an ascent will be attempted later in the day. There are many dangerous sock outcroppings which may hamper the climb.

John found the fountain of youth, but prefers the park bench of age… besides the water in that fountain tastes funny, and the line up is too long, and the music too loud, and I need a cushion for this bench, and when is Matlock on?

John is celebrating the arrival of warmer temperatures by complaining that it is too hot/bright/smelly/loud/prairie…

John is at the Safeway mourning the loss of the club house, and arguing with the automated checkout machine that he doesn’t have to scan his club card because there is no club anymore…

John warns of a spoiler alert: Gilligan does something dumb and they don’t get off the island…

John wonders if people see the irony in the illegal downloads of the TV show Black Sails…

John thinks this weather can kiss his polar vortex…

is taking advantage of the special offer he got in his email, and enrolling in the Underwater Tuba class at the college. Apparently it’s all done by noon… (April Fools Day)

John is swimming in a pool of Jello trying to grab small rubber ducks in a yellow butterfly net while wearing a rabbit costume on a Japanese game show. He thinks he won, but he’s not sure if the prize of endless TV honour is his or not…

John is at the Tim Hortons asking about their secret menu. Six creams and six sugars shouldn’t be kept from the masses…

John put a whoopie cushion on your seat today because he celebrates April Fools day according to the lunar calendar…

John was deluded into thinking this deluge would be diluted…

John is attending the semi-annual Chronic and Constant Complainer Association’s Whine and Geeze party…

John is at the Safeway with his potato gun asking the clerk about Russet, Idaho, and Yukon Gold ammo…

John tried to open the packet with his teeth. His dentist just sees dollar signs…

John notices that NASA predicts the end of Western Civilization in 20 years. John is hoarding now before the rush.

John is at the Safeway, chatting up the free sample lady to find out when “free omelette with a side of bacon and sausage sample day” is scheduled. Rye toast… large coffee… two creams….

John thought that BMI stood for Bacon Mayo on Italian. It made sense because every time he had one, his BMI increased in number…

John is adding a couple of spoonfuls of chocolate sauce to some Bud Lite and selling it as Guinness, now that everybody has run out…

John Wishes his Irish friends a Happy St. Patrick’s Day while they celebrate using the colour green, and a Happy Holi to his Indian and Nepali friends who will celebrate with all of the colours..

John likes how the new fluffy snow hides the sheets of sheer sidewalk ice underneath. It’s like a surprise with every step.

John misunderstood when they asked him to sing acappella, so he sang “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” with a scoop of ice cream on his head…

John is using a mirror and the Dan Brown super encryption method for hiding all of his passwords and sensitive information.

John wonders why the bathrooms smell funny at the asparagus festival…

John is appalled at the $25 fee that IKEA charges to put their stuff together. Have they never heard of the right of free assembly?

John is an overachiever and saved an extra 15 minutes this weekend just to be safe. (Daylight Savings)

John is in a police officer’s uniform stopping random people on the street and asking “Where were you between 2:25am and 2:45am last night?!” (Daylight Savings Time)

John put a snow-plow blade and a beep-beep-beep back up alarm on a Segway™…

John constructed his own theremin using an old microwave oven that was missing a door and the antenna from a 86 Ford Tempo attached to a Sony Walkman. It sounds great, but he’s a little dizzy.

John is hooking up a team of chihuahuas to a toboggan and entering the Iditarod…

John accidentally crossed an expired jar of Cheese Whiz, a plate of unrecognisable goo that might have been some lasagna from last month, and a potato. Monsanto has offered him fifty million to turn his fridge into a genetic modification laboratory…

John found the on switch for the Rådig coffee maker he bought at Ikea. It’s labeled as “mäkęgôñõw”…

John looks like he is wearing a pink angora sweater, but he just fell into the cotton candy machine…

John is watching North Korean State TV’s Young Citizen’s Animation Hour. DPRK Super-Frog and Ninja Cat Puppets are ok, but Great Leader the Explorer, and Defend the Homeland Against The Capitalist-Bourgeois, Using Geometry and Math, Super Fun Show are far superior…

John sees that you have dropped your copy of Clavier-Übung, and you just kept walking. As he leafs through it, he sees that you’re making a lot of changes and offers this advice: “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.” No need to thank him, he’s always got your Bach.

John can fit a 4 pound bag of Jelly Bellies in his mouth… Guinness says it isn’t a record unless he does it all at once… next time.

John is the captain of the dodgeball team and picked Barb and Steve for his squad. The other captain, Amanda, wanted them too, but instead, had to settle for Edward and Jill… Jill, Ed… the best Amanda gets.

John is at the art gallery staring at exit signs, fire extinguishers, and security personnel whilst saying things like, “Hmmm” and “Oh yes, Bravo” and “I’ve never liked this artist’s work, but this piece moves me… Funny, he usually does nudes”…

John has seen the face of evil and it is the video lottery machine that takes credit cards. It’s right up there with the meth vending machine, the OxyContin piñata, and Coors Light…

John remembers that time when you did that thing that you did that was so funny that he laughed at so much that he promised he would never forget. Yes he remembers… but he could use a reminder of what it was and why it was so funny…

John pulled an all-nighter trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop™. Most of that time was spent trying to find a store that carried Tootsie Pops™.

John is making art. He has made a giant soup can out of paper, pulp, and glue, and spray painted “Too many cooks spoil the broth” all over it. He loves working in paper cliché…

John didn’t know that the conditions during his exam would be so acidic and thinks there is no base for the salty and wet reception that was received, but he failed his litmus test anyway.

John is at the Safeway, removing the automatic checkout machine so he can take it on the bus to meet an automatic farebox…

John is trying to capture the ice beaver who keeps building the ice dams…

John is at the Safeway in the stationary department, trying to take a selfie with a calculator and muttering “this cellphone is stupid”…

John thought it would be a good idea, but apparently a jumbo box of Bran Flakes™ won’t unplug the toilet…

John released his new studio album called “Test one, test two” which is an hour and a half of him checking microphones…

John is at the Safeway for the 1/2 price Superbowl candy sales…

John saw Peyton Manning’s shadow, so there will be six more hours of Super Bowl analysis… (Superbowl 2014)

John is playing Gilligan’s Island monopoly. The jail square is the island, and there is no way out.

John is making his own incandescent light bulbs. He has also updated the fire insurance on his domicile…

John is on the airplane looking for the ding-ding string because the next stop is his and he wants to get off…

John is buying an advertising slot during the Superbowl because it’s apparently a good investment.

John is translating the works of Dan Brown into Greenlandic Norse…

John made a flan for the flim-flam man, but the flim-flam man ain’t a fan of flan, so flim-flam man fed Fran from his klan the flan, so wham-bam, the flim-flam man’s Fran is full of flan and Stephen Harper gets no sponge cake…

John was on the bus asking the driver “does this bus go someplace warmer?” She replied “No, you want the #666 bus. Just tell the driver that you’ve sinned and he’ll take you somewhere hot. Careful of his tail.”

John is smuggling low cost placebos over the Manitoba border into North Dakota by hiding them in bags of cocaine…

John has been edited for time and formatted to fit this screen…

John has invented an interchangable tanning bed/coffin…

John Det bästa fotboll på svensk tv NFL!

John is taking all of those online quizzes and found out he is ninth stormtrooper from the left, muggle #7, the tribute from district 5 that has no name and gets killed in the first couple of seconds, and should be living in Moose Jaw…

John doesn’t understand why leaf blowers are not recommended for indoor use…

John wonders what people did before paint can shakers…

John is the leader of the robot uprising. Your call is very important to us so please stay on the line.

John opened a new tub of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Edible™ ” and is spreading it on gluten free-low fat-high fibre- low taste bread. These two products can also be found in the hardware section as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Grout™ ” and bathroom tiles…

John thinks that the team who can score the most points will win the game, and the key to that, is doing things that score those points and preventing the other sports club from getting points. Also, something unfair will happen and they could of scored more points except for that unfair thing.

John is at the Safeway with a potato gun screaming “I need ammo!”

John dropped his 50″ TV into the toilet and now he needs a 65 kilo bag of rice…

John quotes Alexander Pope: “To Eyre is human, to Open, sublime.”

Sounds dirty.

John is offering a music service for retail outlets, restaurants, and coffee shops that pipes in pure silence…

John has delivered various paint ball guns, sling shots, and baseballs to every house on your street and is driving his ice cream truck back and forth. So much winter fun…

John is on the bus opening the window to cool down because he’s wearing 9 layers of clothing under those 2 parkas…

John is having second thoughts about applying for a patent on his new microwaveable fireworks idea…

John is marketing a line of spices and cooking additives for the bromidic cuisinier. They include beige food colour #3, artificial white bread flavouring, blandening powder, and a McDonaldizationizing paste with extra gluten in a convenient squeezable tube…

John is at the Safeway and he has not scanned his Club Card…

John notices that Winnipeg is as cold as Mars, full of hot air like Venus, surrounded by a ring like Saturn, and has a worse football team than Pluto.

… on the twelfth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, twelve facebook unfriendings, eleven aisle cleanups, ten cake’s misspelling, nine trays of deli, eight lottery losings, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the eleventh day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, eleven aisle cleanups, ten cake’s misspelling, nine trays of deli, eight lottery losings, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the tenth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, ten cake’s misspelling, nine trays of deli, eight lottery losings, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the ninth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, nine trays of deli, eight lottery losings, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the eighth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, eight lottery losings, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the seventh day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, seven fish sticks freezing, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim

… on the sixth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, six lineups surly, five expired things, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the fifth day of Christmas his Safeway was closed.

… on the fourth day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, four products absurd, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the third day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, three denizen, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the second day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, two purple gloves, and a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

… on the first day of Christmas his Safeway gave to him, a grumpy checkout clerk named Tim.

John is making a new movie called “Dictionary” which is adapted from the book, and although he’s filming all at once, it will be presented as a trilogy, so you’ll have to wait until 2017 for the zygote ending…

John is advertising blank CDs as “Nickleback’s Greatest Hits”…

John has been observing the line up at the movie theatre, the queue at the passport office, and the people in the emergency room. He thinks he may have a problem, so he joined Wait Watchers™…

John is at the Safeway trying to buy local winter groceries… so far he has a case of Clodhoppers.

John is breaking the world record for most dangerous sport by holding the first annual Winnipeg Formula One race in December…

John shot his eye out for the last time.
John is wearing a fairy costume in the waiting room at the dentist’s office…

John wonders if Monsanto has created the X-Men yet…

John is sitting behind a card table in front of the bank with a big pile of cheque books and a sandwich-board that says “signed by the author”…

John is at the Safeway hoarding maple syrup before they use it all up making the new 5 and 10 dollar bills…

John was talking to a friend in India, trying to explain the logic of keeping food in a machine that freezes things, that is kept inside a domicile, which is heated against the outside elements, which are at a temperature that freezes things…

John pulled the groundhog out of it’s hole and showed him there was no shadow…

John has started a line of frozen entrées called “Just Like the Airlines would make!”, which include a piece of rubber chicken, a mound of peas, a jello cobbler thing, and a roll as hard as a diamond. There’s also a vegetarian option which has the chicken scraped off, a kosher version that has been blessed by an online rabbi, a halal version that had the box opened by a Muslim, and a Hindu version that includes a packet of curry powder and no utensils…

John is tossing a telephone pole around his backyard in celebration of Caber Monday…

John is at the Safeway in St. Boniface asking for le jambon casher…

John is lining up at the bank in anticipation of their Black Friday sale items…

John is wishing all his Iranian friends a happy Navy day, the Hawaiian Christians a Dandy day of the Holy Sovereigns, a solemn Albanian Skanderbeg day, and a Fowl Family Football Feast for the pilgrims down south…

John is at the Safeway berating the raw chicken; pointing and screaming “You make me sick!”…

John found a can of New Coke buried in the back of the refrigerator that he never tried when it first came out. It tasted old.

John thinks that movie theatre sashimi is substandard.

John was in line for tickets to the Care Bears vs Smurfs UFC on ice show in 3D… and now the Ticketmaster clerk thinks I may have dreamt it, but is charging me $98.75 plus tax, entertainment surcharge, and 80’s cartoon levy, because that’s what tickets go for.

John threw a big party for his extroverted friends to give his introverted friends a break…

John is on the Food Network featuring his recipe for eau de auga in a das wasser reduction. It’s steaming good.

John is shooting his eye out after sticking his tongue to a pole and going wee wee on Santa…

John has Aragorn in at quarterback, Skandranon as tight end, and Hermione Granger kicking field goals on his fantasy football team…

John is at the annoying shadowy paint store ordering a can of burnt umbrage…

John has started a cable TV network that features reruns of the Teletubbies, Yo Gabba Gabba!, and Adventure Time. It’s called the “Kid’s Happy Fun Time Network” during the day and “College Reefer Awesome Thing” on University campuses…

John plays Tic-Tac-Toe in calligraphy…

John thought he was boarding a Winnipeg Transit bus, but apparently got on a midway ride. So he got into the spirit and yelled “wheeee!” everytime he was thrown to the floor…

John found a nickel…. and he thought maybe your newsfeed could use an entry that doesn’t mention Rob Ford…. aww crap, sorry, ignore that last bit… John Bent Jr. found a nickel…

John is putting the winter tire on the unicycle…

John has started an Underground Railroad for spruce and pine that are condemned to be chopped down as Christmas trees. The Tannenbaum Express…

John is starting his tour with Sheriff Lobo On Ice, and needs to learn how to skate…

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John is trying to shoot an invisible rabbit with a Red Ryder BB gun…

John would like to tell all the youth that “Breaking Bad” is not an instructional video on how to become mayor… but it wouldn’t be true…

John is at the Starbucks writing a screenplay on his Speak n Spell™…

John is hitting all the post Diwali candle sales…

John is going to spend the next hour and a half deciding what to do with the extra hour from daylight savings time…

John loves all of the awesome toys that the ancient Greeks have given us like Hungry Hungry Hippocrates, Cassandra Patch Kids, and The Plato Fun Factory…

John is selling maps of the neighbourhood that has the houses giving out raisins marked on it… (Halloween 2013)

John saw the packages of “fun size” Halloween candy at the drug store and is now miniaturizing everything he sees so it will be more “fun”…

John has invented an alarm clock that makes a very satisfying smash sound when you throw it across the room. Comes in a twelve pack.

John is in the office building. He found the Red Bull power up in the level 5 vending machine and is trying to solve the voice mail puzzle which will give him the clue to which door the Boss is behind…

John talks about a treeless, featureless plain, a capital place named for a queen. A post office theatre, a creek, near Qu’Appelle. There’s a casino… and a mall. A ski hill of sorts and green football. They love it, they hate it; these are the Regina monologues.

John is at the Safeway marking the watermelons as “Unsuitable for giving out on Halloween” so people don’t make the same mistake he did last year…

John picked up a book and read page 45, and now Hop on Pop is ruined because he read the ending…

John thought that a 6th dimensional Euclidean sphere packing equation, where more than one geometric object existed in the same space at the same time over multiple dimensions, was an improbability, until he saw the MTC carpentry shop…

John is watching the fluffy hail flutter past the window with his cats. SHUT UP! It’s fluffy hail!

John is opening a mobile Starbucks that will just follow him around all day. Today is half price latte day by the way.

John likes his dystopia with pas de chat, pirouettes, and port de bras….

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John unplugged the U.S. government, waited for a moment, and then plugged it back in. It seems to be working for now.

John sees that McDonalds is playing their Monopoly game again. They also have some sort of board game sticker thing going on where you can’t win prizes…

John goes from zero to fifty in two days flat…

John has set up a hotline for cartoon villains to whine… scratch that… express their grievances about being foiled by some superhero yet again…

John loves The Onion and it’s liberal hilarity, but thinks that the conservative counterpart of ridiculous statements and erroneous humour, is a little mean and sophomoric and won’t be listening to FOX anymore….

John can’t wait for the end of next week when the stores put out all of their Easter stuff! (October 10)

John runs an Underground Railroad for rich conservative Americans who wish to escape the persecution of their country. Only ten million dollars each, and he’ll set them up with free health care, a God fearing federal government, and a place in a bustling city like Wemindji, or Alert…

John came in fourteenth in his age group at the regional air tambourine competition…

John is the undefeated champion of spinning around and around for ten minutes and then falling down immediately. The four year old next door is not.

John is beta testing a new cleaning product that makes everything look like new, but it’s only in the concept phase, it’s an Immaculate Conception.

John is on the bus, reading all the graffiti and rating them from 1 to 7 with 1 being “Sucks” and 7 being “Rules”…

John is at the bus stop playing Christmas carols on a tuba.

John is having a big ol cup of BSL (Butternut Squash Latte) because he’s ahead of the curve… or maybe lower than normal… Either way, he’s now full of BS.

John likes sugar free products because he likes free things. Paying for sugar sucks.

John is running through the Safeway, waving a piece of paper, yelling “I’ve satisfied the conditions of the coupon! I’ve satisfied the conditions of the coupon!”

John has turned on all the faucets, all the lights, appliances, the furnace, and stove, and now is watching the water, gas, and hydro meters race..

John is boycotting Chick-fil-A, Stolichnaya, McDonalds, Coka-Cola, and now Barilla pasta, because Human Rights are good for your health in more ways than one…

John is suspicious of the new vegetable wraps at McDonalds because they refuse to call them vegan or vegetarian. He thinks those red bits are just tomato flavoured pieces of chicken…

John is marketing a hilarious fruit flavoured gelatin product called J-E-L-O-L…..

John is at the University’s Mathematics department asking for them to explain how the Bombers are still in contention for the Grey Cup…

John is at the bus stop during the morning commute selling beer and wine…

John is back at the drama mine, hoping to hit a pathos vein in the side of the mountain…

John is watching NFL through Al Jazeera and Cricket through ESPN…

John really doesn’t want to get in an airplane made from soda pop cans…

John was handed lemons, so he made lemonade. Then he was handed calcium fumarate tocopherol, so he made powdered lemonade… and then proceeded to a poison control centre…

John has now become automated to better serve you. If you would like to spend the next hour of your life in this menu based system press 1. If you would like information about these services, and can’t quite get the hang of google, mash your hand on your number pad. If you would like to speak to someone, enter a public area and throw your phone against a wall while yelling obscenities and someone in a uniform and a sidearm will be with you shortly.

John is at the mall freeing the mannequins.

John let Siri talk to the voice on the bus: “Route 68, University of Winnipeg, via Downtown” “Room 68 at The University of Winnipeg is on the first floor of the Basic Medical Sciences Building.” “Niagara” “Would you like to buy Viagra?” “Westminster” “OK, here’s Westminster, it’s pretty far from you.” “Harrow” “Hello to you too.”

John is getting a headache from the Pimsleur™ Thermian. Maybe the Rosetta Stone™ will be better…

John brought 4 dozen doughnuts, 36 A&W Grandpa Burgers, 400 deep fried Snickers Bars, and 19 pounds of extra salty bacon to CPR class…

John is using a 3D printer to make a piece of paper with some text on it…

John is at the Winnipeg airport selling “Maps to the Stars’ Homes”… both of them…

John is rounding down the price of penny candy…

John is at the Safeway in the GMO aisle, watching the grapes sample the customers…

John wishes Tom, John, Laura, Kirstie, Giovanni, and Kelly a happy Auditors Day. May you gain enough money to cross The Bridge to Total Freedom in this great Xenu Space Opera…

John has invented a solar powered oil well, which seems to have pissed everybody off…

John is making a horror movie about genetically engineered house cats that have opposable thumbs…

John is making snow cones with a tray of ice cubes and a pestle and mortar.

John was confused by the smiley face at the Wal Mart and thought it was a happy fun place…

John is on his lawn playing his PSP and eating ice cream, while waving to all the kids going to the bus for their first day of school. Later, he will clean all of the eggs off the windows…

John is in the Obstetrics department yelling “Happy Labour Day”. He will then proceed to Emergency to have his wounds attended to…

John was trying to make instant ice cream by feeding a cow chocolate and putting it in the standup freezer. John Bent Jr. Needs a new freezer… and new carpets…

John was talking to a young ASM about twerking. “I’m halfway to 90, I don’t understand that stuff.” “Whaaat? There is no way that you’re 55.” “Look at my license.” “Oh my God! 1968! You ARE 55.” Math is hard.

John is waiting at the bus stop with a jar full of nickels…

John is in the public washroom at the mirror holding up a book and shrieking “I can see the Da Vinci code!”

John shirks twerk jerk’s quirk. Irked jerk’s twerk perk worked.

John has created a random number generator by throwing a calculator into a ceiling fan…

John can tell you that working in the arts after a hiatus can be daunting, but it’s just like riding a bike. You’re under-inflated, squeaky, sore from that uncomfortable seat, and no matter how many times you say “look at me!” nobody is really watching…

John is at the Safeway with an empty pie plate asking where they keep the blackbirds…

John asked Siri what the square root of banana is and she told him that his university degree was awarded in error…

John would like to thank Perkins Restaurants, India Cricket Fan Jersey Store Online, and the Sheriff Lobo Super Forum for the birthday greetings yesterday…

John is halfway to 90.

John is using the automatic blood pressure checker at the Shoppers Drug Mart to crack open walnuts.

John came in last in the human race. Gets him a participation ribbon.

John can’t understand what his cats are trying to tell him, and thinks he shouldn’t feed them until he figures it out.

John thinks hyperbolic geometry is just an exaggeration and there can be no angle to it at all…

John is spray painting his lawn brown.

John is requesting asylum from a Folklorama ambassador…

John took the online quiz. He won’t be losing weight from that one weird tip.

John got a speeding ticket from Impark.

John thinks the rainbow billboard in front of the church must be a sign of good faith…

John is passing out cans of WD40 and coupons to Midas Brake Shops to all of the drivers of Winnipeg Transit vehicles…

John has installed autotune on the announcement microphone at the airport…

John is opening an online gravy store.

John can’t find a buyer for his collection of odd shaped Lucky Charms cereal marshmallows…

John may never get to play right wing for the Nordiques.

John is attaching a pedometer to a paint can shaker.

John is at the Safeway bakery department with a camera and a Cake Wrecks T-shirt on…

John has been rejected by this year’s Folklorama with his proposal of a Douchebag Pavilion…

John is compiling a Dexys Midnight Runners greatest hits album…

John is using genetically modified monosodium glutamate in his deep fried chocolate bacon balls.

John Reminds everyone that there is a very thin line between insanity and pudding…

John is filming an epic three movie trilogy based on the beloved children’s classic “Hop On Pop”…

John is recording a spoken word album while in the lineup at the bank. Well, maybe not so much spoken word as cursing word…

John thinks buying this pet rooster may have been a bad thing…

John may need to get a new alarm clock. This one has the annoying habit of waking him up…

John prefers a breakfast that is perfectly balanced, like a liter of coffee and a kilo of doughnuts…

John sees that Winnipeg is being proactive with it’s new insecticide program that doesn’t use pesticides. They put on a Folk Festival and all of the mosquitos in Wolseley starve to death…

John loves the Taco Del Mar by the Health Sciences Centre and thinks that all fast food joints should have a hospital in close proximity…

John sees that Rob Ford doesn’t want to invoke Darwinian Law just like Naheed Nenshi, but more because Ford is in violation than anything else… (Toronto Flood)

John is that guy with a stopwatch and a jackhammer observing the 8am noise bylaw…

John got an AB negative on his MENSA test, and then he got a cookie.

John is aghast! He was just in the ballroom, and even though he saw the candlestick, he thought Mrs. Peacock was a kind woman. He is in shock about these turn of events.

John is waiting for the snow…

John is slapping some deep fried meat in between two other pieces of deep fried meat and slathering it in gravy while suing the inventor of the deep fryer and blowing one up with some fireworks because America. (U.S. Independence Day)

John is at the Safeway looking for the “Crappy Rural Gas Station Seven Day Old Coffee” K-Cups for his Keurig coffee machine…

John is looking at the new “Canada’s Guide to Healthy Eating” and finds that he must eat 4 apples, 2 large salads, 2 glasses of orange juice, 3 large carrots, 8 slices of bread, 2 glasses of milk, 2 eggs, a can of beans, a salmon, and 2 gallons of water to satisfy the recommended servings per day. He will be indisposed for the foreseeable future.

John is pouring maple syrup on his bearclaw and dunking it in poutine while hugging a polar bear because Canada. (Canada Day)

John doesn’t like the white marks that antiperspirant leaves on his forehead…

John bids Calgary a fond farewell as he kidnaps Naheed Nenshi to take back to Winnipeg. Don’t worry, we’ll send you back a Katz on a CP train… (Calgary Flood)

John is rebranding himself as Johan Bëńt the youNger to get more discounts at the Ikea…

John is updating the Oxford Dictionary to include Nenshi Nouns…

John is watching the Bow river in Calgary pretend it is the Red river in Winnipeg. (Calgary Flood)

John likes to fill an extra large bottle of Frank’s Red Hot™ with tomato juice and when he gets stopped by security at the airport for having liquids, he drinks the whole bottle and hands the empty to the guard…

John can’t help but see the parallels between the last days of Rome and western society today. Wait…. is…. Is Harper playing a violin?!

John wonders why cat food has “ash” percentages on the labels and human food doesn’t…

John tried, but may never understand Johnny Depp’s secret eyebrow code…

John doesn’t want to seem like a glutton so he’s ordering the 7 patty burger at the Wendy’s…. make it a combo…. supersize it…

John was kicked out of the art gallery when he looked at the huge oil painting on canvas and said “Awww! I could’ve made a great tent out of that!”

John is watching the second Matrix movie wishing he had taken the blue pill…

John thinks someone at HBO put episode 9 and 10 out of order… (Game of Thrones Season 3 Finale)

John started a band called “World” and released their first single on vinyl, that way anybody can become a World record holder…

John has had it up to here in vague measurements…

John speaks from experience when he says: mixing up the words asses and assess can be a big deal at the proctologist’s office…

John is teaching his cats how to throw a googly, but it’s clear they were meant to bat and field…

John is screen-capping Zork.

John was asked to Irish-up a guy’s coffee today, so he put a potato in it and recited a limerick…

John has been ranked #42689 by the International Scouting Service… which means he’ll probably play for the Leafs…

John is making margaritas in a bread machine… because he’s had too many margaritas…

John has disappointed all the neighbourhood children, who thought he was planting a Jello tree, but instead planted a flavourless gelatine shrub…

John has received some very special offers from Shoppers Drug Mart that have been specially ‘picked just for him’: buy one get one free eyeliner, 200 optimum points when he buys 3 or more pairs of pantyhose, and 20% off the large bottle of Midol…

John can’t seem to find this Rob Ford Comedy Hour on Netflix; sounds like a good dramady, everybody’s talking about it…

John didn’t win any of the prizes in the North Korean PowerBall. He would like to congratulate the lucky Kim Jong-un on winning all that Won…

John composed a piece of music reminiscent of 1600 Italy, but it wasn’t exaggerated enough… so he added more complexity and grandeur. He then tried to do the same thing to a polka that he had written… and ended up ruining it. Which just goes to show, if it ain’t baroque, don’t fix it…

John is testing out his new garbage bag hang glider.

John is inventing his own holidays because he thinks there aren’t enough long weekends in the year. Happy lazy layabout long!

John questions why gas stations still have .9 in their prices when the penny has been taken out of circulation and they have to round up to the nearest nickel anyway…

John wonders why the dance schools in Winnipeg all sound like laxatives… Magic n Motion, Mighty Movers, Winnipeg Dance Force, the Kaopectate Dancers…

John is filing it under “seemed like a good idea at the time” along with toaster pasta, water soluble pants, and microwaveable fireworks…

John is trying out the water flavoured MiO…

John is bringing back some things that have fallen out of fashion, like zoot suits, brown trilby fedoras, and polite behaviour…

John is selling Victoria Day greeting cards with jaunty slogans like: “May your John Francis pistol never fire”, and “Cover the legs of your scandalous piano!”, and “Let’s buy some gargantuan nude art and hang it in the throne room”…

John is at the haberdashery conference, but all anyone wants to talk about is caps, bonnets, and berets. I guess hatters gonna hat…

John can tell you that whistling the theme to The Godfather during Winnipeg city council meetings will get you escorted out of the building…

John can say that this horseradish is fresh, as if it’s right off of the horse…

John is selling genuine Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts with the Monsanto logo emblazoned on them…

John loves sun tea, and is trying other “sun” things like sun butter, sun milk, and sun mayonnaise…

John wonders where the robin outside his window got the megaphone at 5:30 in the morning…

John is wearing underwear.

John is attending the Diametrically Opposed Festival which includes performances by the Electric Amish A-Cappella Orchestra, the Catholic Atheist Insane Clown Posse Bagpipe Cover Band, and the LGBT Muslim arm of the Westboro Baptist Church glee club. Sponsored by PETA and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

John was at the Safeway, and when they asked “Paper or plastic?” he replied “Sorry, it’s going to have to be plastic, all I have is these new bills”…

John thinks the new quadruple Whopper from Burger King could benefit with a chicken patty on the top and a fish patty on the bottom…

John is introducing his own line of diet products that are 100 calories or less… a 4 gram chocolate bar, a 6 gram bacon cheeseburger, and a kilo of fresh vegetables…

John thinks a government run CBC would be great! 24 hours of programming about how to use petroleum products better, magic shows where huge sums of money just disappear, science shows debunking the myths about environment and global warming, and intervention deprograms that save homosexual souls…

John thinks that this restaurant may be less than 5 stars. The amuse bouche was just some Cheez Whiz on a saltine…

John is on the bus asking the driver “are we there yet?” every thirty seconds…

John brought a goat to “bring your kids to work” day…

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John is taking a two pound Toblerone chocolate bar and wrapping it in a tortilla, because according to fast food restaurants wrapping anything in a tortilla makes it healthy…

John remembers door to door encyclopedia salesmen…

John is sitting in the audience at the student matinée question and answer period asking the actors questions like “Is Tom Cruise as dreamy as he seems” and “When you were in Reservoir Dogs did they really cut off that guy’s ear” and “I think that The Godfather was overrated, but you were good in it.”

John is pre-setting all of the modes for a relaxing day; the phone is on silent, the pie is on à la, and the stereo is on Depeche…

John is in line at the Ice Capades to get Strawberry Shortcake’s autograph on a signed Mario Lemiux hockey stick in order to bring up its value on eBay…

John is translating the works of Shakespeare into Thermian…

John is skydiving with 200 pinwheels taped to his body…

John is bringing Sheriff Lobo to the stage…

John just saw Gayle hit knock a 175 not out, a century off of 30 balls, and 17 sixes. White Mischief had plenty to dance about. He also realises that about 4 people on his friends list knows what that means…

John has opened an astronaut training facility in his basement.

John is saving a boatload of money on his air conditioning bill.

John thinks the alarm clock he got at the dollar store may be defective. It keeps going off at twenty seven o’clock. On the other hand, he’s loving the extra hours of sleep.

John has a new job as a greeter at the 7-11. Ok, it’s not so much a job, as it is sitting in a lawn chair at the entrance and waving to everybody…

John swears that he just saw a white walker in his front yard.

John doesn’t have good street smarts, but does have good book smarts… which just means he doesn’t have Google Maps installed on his Kindle…

John was walking up a steep hill, but now he’s not, because he just doesn’t have the inclination…

John is a little cheesed that Netflix isn’t available on the Vic 20 yet…

John thinks there isn’t enough chocolate in his breakfast cereal, so he’s crumbling up a Toblerone on top and pouring in a 26 of Bailey’s Irish Cream…

John has sold all of your “likes” to hackers, that company that you hate, and North Korea…

John thinks that the iPad mini is just an iPhone large without the phone part…

John received a message from the people over at the Google, asking him to stop asking such stupid questions…

John thinks April flurries bring May worries…

John got GoT, but he didn’t get GoT…

John thinks that the April Fools joke is funny, but would like the -25 windchill to be gone by noon…

John saw the Easter Bunny hide the uncoloured eggs in the snow. It’s going to be a long Easter Egg Hunt…

John is in the Safeway hoarding everything because some stores were closed yesterday and some stores are closed tomorrow so he needs 40000 rolls of toilet paper and all the canned goods right now!

John can’t imagine what the church must consider a Bad Friday…

John stole the key to the city so everything would stay locked. Go back to bed.

John thinks that he has a very different idea about what fresh scent is than his laundry detergent…

John ate some bad Chinese food before bed and dreamt that he had won the lottery and then bet all of his winnings on one spin of the roulette table, but he woke up before the he learned the results. Now he has to eat more bad Chinese food tonight so he can find out how this ends…

John used to log onto Facebook to escape the depression of watching the daily news. Now he’s watching Schindler’s List to escape the depression of Facebook…

John hates the new…. everything. Stop with the new.

John has made some updates to how his statuses look to match the new timeline.

John is following the advice of the Facebook advertisers and getting a free iPhone at the Devry Institute while attending zumba classes at the local senior’s home…

John programmed a new translator application and translated Vernal Equinox from Latin into English. It came back with “Screw you Winnipeg!”… actually, everything he tries to translate comes back with “Screw you Winnipeg!”

John may never be the same. He figured out a way to get Gilligan and his friends off the island. Now he can sleep at night.

John would like to point out that it’s been six weeks already… that stupid groundhog lied!

John thinks his “Word a Day” calendar may be a bit too remedial. Today’s word is “the”…

John is in the elevator with an old toilet in the corner and nothing on but his underwear. Every time the door opens, he covers himself and yells “OCCUPIED!”

John may need to reassess this whole “hundred bottles of beer on the wall” thing since he’s apparently supposed to “pass it around”…

John wonders if Lex Luthor invented the cell phone, thereby eliminating all the phone booth change rooms in the world…

John is outside the arrivals deck at the airport with a little red wagon tied to his tricycle with a meter hanging from the handle bars asking travellers if they would like a taxi…

John is handing out garlic and limburger stuffed pastries in the waiting room at the dentist…

John is reading an account of everything that ever happened, authored by Mr. Hugo, Flemming, and Borges. History is indeed written by the Victors…

John is doing his taxes and is surprised how easy it is to turn an eight into a four, a zero into an alien’s head, and a tax form into a paper airplane…

John is making sangria with a bottle of 1784 Baron de Rothschild Lafite Pauillac Haut Medoc Bordeaux… mmmmm tangy.

John knew he was in a classy bar when he asked for something to eat and was told that he had to wait because a different customer was using the fork…

John is listening to an old recording of a debate about free love and the sixties between Bob Dylan and James Brown. At least he thinks it’s about the sixties, it’s hard to tell, something about a tambourine man sex machine…

John is at the Safeway playing death metal over the loud speakers to make the checkout lines go quicker…

John notices that the Brier is sponsored by Monsanto… which explains the terminator rocks, genetically modified ice that doesn’t melt, and insect resistant corn brooms…

John put hair conditioner on the tangled cords behind his TV…

John is giving into peer pressure and is starting to watch season one of The Beverly Hillbillies…

John is at a university archery tournament, with a megaphone, yelling “May the odds be ever in your favour”. The big fireballs that are about to arrive should be a surprise too…

John now knows that the 5 second rule does not apply to soup…

John is using a cappuccino machine to put a nice frothy head on his beer…

John remembered to dot his i’s but forgot to cross his T’s, so now he can’l read a lol of the imporlanl lhings lhal he wrole down…

John is yelling at a book of paint swatches saying “Don’t you take that tone with me!”…

John has reached the age where he not only doesn’t understand the newest trend, but missed the trend’s existence altogether…

John may never understand the Care Bear movie.

John is in the Safeway bulk section buying some sodium methylparaben, a bag of butylated hydroxytoluene, and an ammonium malate ball, because he wants to make waffles just like that nice General Mills makes…

John is BitTorrenting old episodes of the weather channel so he can catch up…

John noticed how many Ikea products are phallic, but sometimes a Shlögg is just a Shlögg…

John built a tollbooth on his street to make extra money from the snowplows…

John heard that spring is right around the corner… unfortunately the next intersection is a thousand miles away…

John is at a magic show watching the magician and clapping maniacally when he makes things disappear. The tax guy doesn’t appreciate this audit being called a magic show…

John is opening a Polar Glass franchise in Russia…

John bought a cottage on DA14…

John doesn’t understand the finer points of Albanian Serial Puppet Theatre…

John loves statutory holidays and is looking forward to that sweet, sweet Valentine’s Day overtime cheque…

John is at the Safeway in the coconut aisle pretending to be a horse…

John is on the merry-go-round going as fast as it can, in fact the faster the better because there’s Joy to the Whirled…

John denies that he is using product placement in his statuses. That is a Bold™ face lie. He is not a Monster™. To earn Extra™ money that way would ruin his Ivory™ reputation and turn his Kraft™ into a Salon Selective™. He’s never sold out in his Life™. This space shall Stayfree™… Always™.

John hopes that 4711 comes in like an Agkistrodon Piscivorus, and goes out like a Thamnophis Sirtalis… (Chinese New Year)

John got three free syringes and some antler spray when he bought Lance Armstrong’s autobiography…

John invented a drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says something idiotic on Facebook. If you want to stay sober, you may want to stay off his page…

John is recalling his “Bent Brand” of therapeutic placebos because of too many side effects….

John has installed autocorrect on his skywriting airplane…

John has taught his robot how to buy and sell stolen goods, so now he has an electrified fence…

John is lined up at the Safeway, waiting for it to open so he can take advantage of half price Super Bowl candy…

John bought all of the Super Bowl ad time. So whenever there is a commercial break, all you’re going to see is his commercial for Dr. Dollarstore’s bargain salves and medications, performed by a bad CGI gorilla in tap shoes, over and over and over again. Side effects may include stupid.

John wonders how the groundhog can see its shadow when its frozen to death…

John sees that everybody seems to be filling out Grant applications… It’s an OK name I guess…

John is in the doctor’s office waiting room playing bagpipes along with the Muzak…

John is at the research library asking the librarian where they keep the Google…

John didn’t know there was so much drama in theatre…

John had a sinking feeling when he was offered a new Siamese Cabernet Sauvignon, and sure enough, it was Thai-tannic…

John was there in the eighties when Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald were trying to raise an army of ghosts and wraiths, but they couldn’t even make one, because two Rons don’t make a wight…

John thinks that Shakespeare is just Dadaist fail…

John notices that the temperature was -26°C, then -27°C, and then -28°C, but that’s ok, Winnipeg should be used to increment weather by now…

John is translating the works of Dan Brown into proper English…

John is in a pool, betting on the Super Bowl, but all of his money got wet…

John plays Sarcastiball professionally.

John issued a frostbite warning. Exposed cell phones will freeze before you finish this sentence…

John is giving his bank a courtesy call to see if everything is ok with their dismantling of the world, and to tell them of his new service where they can suck the change out of his couch…

John has very little sympathy. If you can’t stand the heat, move to Winnipeg…

John was trying to give someone some sage advice, but it came out all turmeric…

John is giving his bank a courtesy call to see if everything is ok with their dismantling of the world and to tell them of his new service where they can suck the change out of his couch…

John has found meaning in the meaningless… it’s the first seven letters…

John opened up a Subway Sandwich™ franchise. Turns out it’s just a big Play-Doh Fun Factory™ and a toaster oven…

John is listening to Akashvani (All India Radio) as the Indian National Cricket team destroys England in ODI play… said one person ever.

John is using his personal PIN number in the automated ATM machine to put money in his registered RRSP plan…

John misunderstood and started eating cookie dough in the basement thinking that would constitute a low-carb diet…

John was screaming at a bottle of OxyContin, smacking around a line of cocaine, and humiliating a bottle of Famous Grouse because he has a problem with substance abuse…

John’s show is Open…. Open Gangnam Style

John brought the horse up 1 db over a count of 3.1 which autofollowed into a cannon explosion in a helical cross fade while compressing the dog bark 9-4 with a knee of 3 as the cicada fades out over a 3 hour and 17 minute count and his brain leaks out his ear…

John prefers the term Impoverished Caucasian to Poor White Trash, or Pale Penniless Palooka, or Broke Bleached Bent Boy, thank you very much!

John had a coffee, another coffee, a bowl of sugar pops, a donut, a coffee, a bag of chips, a coffee, a cough drop, a chocolate bar, a coffee, a microwaved noodle thing, and a coffee. That would be the twelve meatless dishes during tech week. Різдвом Христовим!

John was trying to make some French rolls but they came out more like pumpernickel, which is just fine, because you can’t always get a croissant, but you find sometimes, you get what you knead…

John is opening an Emo-Goth coffee shop called Frapo-Mocha-Latte. That way the kids can get themselves a big ol’ cup of FML..

John is sitting behind a card table at the mall, dressed as Kim Jong-il, selling tour packages to North Korea…

John has applied for a job at the Conservative Party of Canada’s compassion department only to find that it doesn’t exist…

John wonders why is there no New Years Boxing Day?

John is serenading a billboard featuring the movie The Life of Pi. This in turn made Ang Lee very happy, so he shared a cup of kindness for Old Ang’s sign…

John thinks that all negotiations, of any kind, should take place today and have a New Years resolution…

John would like Jon Bon Jovi to know there is only one JBJ and he ain’t Bad Medicine…

John attached a rocket engine to a toboggan, and is zooming up the ski hill, going the wrong way, screaming “The Law of Gravity has been revoked!”

John is only bit-torrenting commercials and advertisements in hopes that the CRTC tracks his IP address and takes him to court…

John WAS TALKING VERY LOUDLY ON THE BUS… until he was told to use his lower case voice…

John is at the Alberta oil sands Boxing Day sale with China, Russia, and the USA. He’s also going to see if he can get a deal on Manitoba water and Quebec electricity companies.

John has received so many e-cards today from so many people. One from an Amazon, another from some guy named E.Bay, an entire Swahili village that has a LOT of used things, and this guy named Craig with a very big list. All of them wishing him a happy holiday… and percentages for some reason.

John is beside the ocean, watching the waves come in, and recording it in his note book. It’s a holiday tradition that his grandfather passed down to him. “You’ll tide log” he said, pointing past the wood pile to the ocean, “You’ll tide log! That will be your responsibility!” and it has been ever since.

John is operating under new terms of service. All of the things people throw at him, he now owns… he’s gonna build a house out of insults and rocks.

John is at the Safeway with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, pointing to the bag of grapes in the potato bin, saying “It’s not a tuber!”

John is still here. Guess he has to finish building this show… (December 21 2012)

John is quoting random ridiculous things that DON’T appear in the Bible, like “Do unto others as you would pick the apple” or “God then appeared as a burning bush and gave him 2 loaves and some fish” or “Don’t be gay”.

John is uploading 2000 terrible, out of focus pictures to Instagram because then THEY can own them…

John gave the snowman some hot chocolate… it didn’t end well.

John was revolted by the old man smell… until he realised that he was the only one in the room…

John is selling extended warranties at the calendar store… If the world ends, you get your money back.

John burned the steak tartare…

John went to the bank, and was accosted by a woman with a measuring tape who draped a bolt of fabric over him. Then two people ripped off his coat and replaced it with a tuxedo jacket, top hat, and cane. Then he saw the sign and understood. Today is costumer appreciation day…

John can buy non-biodegradable petroleum products with money made from non-biodegradable petroleum products…

John is making homemade M&Ms for the holidays…. Actually he just has a big bag of bulk Smarties and a bottle of liquid paper…

John loves playing complicated graphical games that make his iPad overheat so he can put it down his pants to stay warm in this weather…

John wants to read between the lines, but might wait for the movie…

John is using Creationist Fossil Fuels such as Creationist Natural Gas and Creationist Coal since it’s almost a renewable resource because it only takes about 6000 years to make…

John thinks that the Conservative government is the antibiotic to culture in this country…

Hey FB Friends – I want to stay PRIVATELY connected with you. However, with the recent changes in Facebook, the “extraterrestrials” can now see activities in ANY wall. This happens when the aliens hit “thrusters” or “assimilate.” Automatically, their green men would see our brains, too. Unfortunately…
we cannot change this setting by ourselves because Facebook has configured it this way and we don’t have the Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulator… So I’m asking for your help.

PLEASE place some tin foil over your iPhone (DO NOT CRUMPLE), a flying saucer will appear, but it can’t see your phone. Now cover your computer with more foil and click “FRIENDS”, then down to “ALIEN BEACON”, click here and a list will appear. Memorize the list, because these are the Facebook clones. REMOVE your clothes and chant in Klingon. DO NOT wear a red shirt, or you will be the first to die.

By doing this, my activity among my friends and felines will no longer become visible to the aliens and we won’t be incased in carbonite.

Thank you very much for doing this. Now, copy and paste this on
your wall so the aliens don’t win. Also, message me your credit card numbers.

John is at the Keg Steakhouse asking the concierge if their patio is open… (Dead of winter in Winnipeg, -36C)

John is collecting plastic bags and plastic water bottles in anticipation to the switch over in his counterfeiting ring…

John is writing a pop-up book for the Kindle™…

John backed up all of his stuff to the Cloud and now it’s raining data…

John is at the Safeway, insisting that he never stands to the left of the clerk because the customer is always right…

John wonders if women in the early 1900s replied to men staring at their ankles with “Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here”

John buys his socks at the 7-11…

John thinks that this is just like the good ol’ days… without the good part…

John understands obscure Esperanto cliches… Ĝi faras unu por scii unu

John can’t afford the cured bacon and will have to settle for the diseased kind…

John earns an extra paycheque chasing cats away from the yarn factory…

John made a joke Facebook status 5 years ago about playing fantasy cricket… and now he’s actually playing it…

John is at the Safeway making snow angels in the spilled flour of the baking aisle…

John is lining up for the Black Friday discounts at the 7/11…

John would like to remind all of his American friends that we did Thanksgiving in October and you guys are getting all the leftover turkeys…

John is trying to rid himself of all negativity, so from now on he will refer to things like a can-aloupe, a can-ilever, and will-ton soup…

John ran out of Saran Wrap™ , so he’s wrapping up his leftovers using some new 20 dollar bills…

John is dancing Swan Lake Gangnam style…

John built a trophy case for all of his participation ribbons…

John reminds all of the streakers and strippers out there to update their Flash…

John would like to thank Stephenie Meyer for introducing him to a new mantra: no matter how bad it gets, no matter what terrible things happen, at least there will be no more Twilight movies…

John is at a restaurant ordering a plate of Pita and Hamas… he now has some flatbread and a jihad on his hands…

John is running around the corn maze in a Pac-Man costume…

John wished everyone in Winnipeg celebrated Diwali… All of those little flames might melt this snow.
Divālī kī śubhakāmanā’ēṁ!

John is at the T.G.I.Fridays asking why they are open on a Monday…

John is on his driveway emptying the 3 487 264 packages of salt he stole from the McDonalds… it’s not helping melt the snow, and now his fries are bland…

John had trained his cats to pull a sled so they could pull him to work in the snow, but they saw a squirrel and now he’s up a tree… good cell phone coverage up there though, he has four bars…

John is stocking up on water and shovels and buckets in anticipation of the coming snowstorm… his snow fort will be awesome!

John is at the Starbucks ordering an Egg Nog Latte don’t skimp on the fat eh! It’s got egg in, so it ain’t no vegan, ipso facto it’s an ovo-lacto, Venti for Benti for three hundred centi. The barista reminded him that there are other Starbucks in the area that he could go to…

John wonders what to do with all of the canned goods now that the apocalypse has been averted… (U.S. Election Night)

John wonders if the Maya knew this was an election year when they made that calendar…

John set off all of the metal detectors at the airport with the silver in his hair…

John has been participating in daylight savings for years and years and thinks he has about a months worth saved by now…

John apologizes for his probiotic bottle costume on Halloween… he understands, it’s a culture, not a costume.

John is making an omelette from the left over Halloween eggs.

John is a prisoner of the Feline Liberation Operating Party. They demand all of the tuna and a nice box in the middle of the room or they will start with the plaintive mews…

John is looking forward to the mundane beginning of the week… followed by tuesdane tomorrow and wednesdane the day after that…

John thinks the admixture of a soupçon of piquancy to his comestibles, which was acquired from the dépanneur, is a propitious addition to his coruscating ante meridiem. John has the autocorrect on his phone set to pompous…

John knows it’s winter when he puts the snowplough attachment on his tricycle…

John is at the track trying to figure out the horse racing rules but all he’s getting is the runaround…

John is selling gargoyles door to door…

John sees that Starbucks has a new coffee machine that “Brings the Starbucks experience into your home”. Includes grumpy barista, sketchy Wi-Fi, and a pachouli smelling dude with a laptop that will nurse a coffee for ten hours while taking up your whole kitchen table…

John put too much stuff in the Cloud and now it’s a downpour of data…

John is putting stickers on phone books that say “Now a Major Motion Picture!”…

John can’t play the video poker machine because it won’t take my pennies…

John had a lot of empty binders, so he gave them to Mitt Romney to fill…

John has written a My Space™ app for the Zune™…

John sits in a dark room and presses a button. No, really, that’s what he does…

John wanted to be like the cool kids, wearing his pants with the waist around his knees, but he just looks like everybody else at the old folks home…

John wanted to save some money to buy a shrubbery so he went into the bank to get a hedge fund…

John thinks that people are a lot like grapes, if you stomp on them enough, eventually you get whine…

John reposted this for an hour because 99% of people won’t… and he is of the 1%… and now there are a bunch of people in tents on his front lawn.

John googled himself, until he went bing and yelled yahoo…

John is sitting at the front of the bus, and every time the bus stops, he looks back and says “Nope, everyone is still standing, hit the breaks even harder at the next stop!”

John is thankful that Columbus discovered Edmonton and brought the Indians an Air Force and the Peruvians a Navy…

John is at the Safeway customer service desk with a box of cinnamon sticks saying “I want a refund! These pencils suck!”

John applied for a job at the IKEA and was called back for an interview. He was told that he would be interviewed by Billy, but when he went into the room, there was nothing there but a bookshelf…

John is mad at his lazy robot butler that turned out to be just a vacuum cleaner posing as a robot butler. Totally sucks.

John is at the Safeway showing off his reasonable facsimile coupons…

John stares up at the sky and yells “KHAN!” every time he gets an ear worm…

John answered his door and was asked if he had heard the word of God. He didn’t know that God only had one word…

John wonders why the Emmys have an award for TV movies, but the Oscars have no award for movie TV…

John is suing Apple computer for stealing his idea of a smart phone that weighs 112 grams…

John sees that we’re skipping autumn and moving right on to winter…

John is using a flowing born again sweetener. It’s called liquid convert sugar…

John is in the Safeway produce department sitting in a lawn-chair near the galas, fujis, and red delicious, waiting for the iPhone5.

John is collecting plastic shopping bags in his first step to counterfeit Canadian money…

John is smuggling 20oz glasses of root beer into New York City…

John misunderstood. He thought hashtag was some kind of game for stoners…

John is bored. So he went to the iTunes store and bought a game. Then he spent ten minutes interacting with hyper-realistic pixels in a futuristic environment. He couldn’t get past the boss after three attempts. So he went online and got a cheat code so he could win the game. John Bent Jr. is bored again.

John misread the book title and ended up buying some gardening book called “A Game of Thorns”…

John shouldn’t have eaten all that foie gras from the 7-11…

John is on the bus in a wetsuit standing on a surf board in the aisle…

John is abandoning his Steamed Pizza franchise…

John would like to thank the replacement referees in the NFL for all of the new aspects of the game. The 5th down and the extra timeout will sure come in handy in the fourth quarter, and all of the late flags are great!

John just bought some very serious cookware, there is nothing funny about it whatsoever. A frying pan with a non-schtick coating…

John is in the Safeway waiting for the Easter displays to go up later in the day…

John is on the elevator with a sword and some chain mail asking which level the boss is on and whether there is a power up…

John loves that the Oakland Raiders are undefeated and second place overall in the league, while the Denver Broncos are winless and second last in the league. In fact Denver has yet to score a point and Oakland’s defense has yet to be scored on… (Before opening day)

John is running into the pet store screaming “The physicists are coming to prove the Uncertainty Principle! Hide all of the cats!”

John is at the mall asking a couple of wandering teenagers “Hey, don’t you have school?” Some retirees sitting on a bench then ask him “Hey, don’t you have work?”

John will now labour the point.
I hate the cube
I hate the cube
I hate the cube
I hate the cube
Happy Labour Day

John is at the Safeway at the checkout with three bottles of brewers yeast and a tube of Vagisil…

John is at the Subway restaurant telling the sandwich artist that their monkey is creepy…

John misunderstood. He thought that white collared workers were all priests…

John is renegotiating his mortgage. He’s asking for better wages and a health plan and the bank is asking for him to go away…

John is on the bus talking very loudly into a potato: “Ya… Ya… I know what you mean Mr. Carrot. This morning I couldn’t find my cell phone so I need to talk very loudly into this tuber in order to be annoying”…

John has invented a dog food for finicky eaters, guaranteed to be gobbled up by any dog. It’s called “JBJ’s expensive shoe flavoured dog food”.

John appreciates the Royal Canadian Mint’s new $20 coin that looks like and celebrates the penny… but it might have been easier to have just kept the penny… or say that all pennies are $20 coins now…

John sees that the construction on the Osborne bridge looks almost complete… which means it should reopen in December…

John thinks he should have paid more attention to the offer of “free antacid tablets with every large pizza” promotion…

John is smoking because he’s “legitimately” cool and his body does things to prevent cancer.

John is reading the Coles notes on 50 Shades Of Grey.

John got timeline from Facebook as a birthday present…

John just had the best sixteen hour nap that he’s ever had…

John had a conversation on the bus:
“I’m trying to remove all of the drama from my life. I want to be drama light”.
“I’m drama heavy”.
“Why”?
“I work for a theatre company”.
“I don’t get it”
“That’s ok, this is my stop”

John read the manual, joined the online forums, and called the customer service line 3 times, and he still can’t get his new plasma TV to show something good…

John thinks that if you want to read between the lines, you may want to learn them first…

John made a miniature Erector Set dune buggy, attached a web cam, a parachute, and some rockets to it, and is uploading it’s video from a gravel pit to NASA…

John is happy that the Olympics are over so he can get back to watching infomercials, bad reality shows, and Gilligan’s Island re-runs…

John wonders why they sell mountain bikes in Saskatchewan…

John is petting the neighbour’s puppy and admiring its fur. He has a soft spot for Spot’s soft…

John is applying for a patent on his alarm clock rewind button invention…

John attached a martini shaker to a ceiling fan…

John is applying for a job at FOX news, because even with an I.Q. of a carrot, he’d still feel like a fricking genius around those guys…

John thinks that the Olympic velodrome is just a NASCAR track for environmentalists…

John just heard about the mascot controversy with Winnipeg’s cultural festival. It’s a Folklorama Llama Drama…

John sees that Canada won an Olympic gold medal in trampoline. Well… since we’re making up sports now, I just won a bronze in crazy bus ride balance keeping, a silver in feline dressage, and am sitting in fourth place in the junk mail sorting hextathalon…

John doesn’t like the new GPS that he bought at the dollar store. All it ever says is “I don’t know where you’re going, you should pull over and ask.”

John now knows that the vacuum cleaner and the lawn mower are not interchangeable…

John is talking to his cats like an Olympic commentator: “This event is crucial if this cat wants to get to the podium. Chew swallow, chew swallow, that’s the key if she wants to hold off the Russian competitor. A time of 26.9 or lower is going to be needed when she digs into this bowl of kibble. She struggled earlier in the time trials when she was distracted by a piece of yarn, but she scored well with the judges on the napping portion of the program, scoring a 9.8 on the cuteness scale.”

John is at the playground with a megaphone yelling “Summer is half over!”

John wonders what dressage, synchronized swimming, and beach volleyball were like in ancient Greece…

John would like to get off this roller coaster now…

John wonders how much the internet will slow down due to the Olympics…

John seems to have touched a nerve with the critics in town

John wonders how far Batman’s testicals had to drop to get a voice that low…

John always gains weight during the fringe, but loses it all at once just by taking off his lanyard…

John has been in theatre too long. Everytime he falls asleep, just before he starts dreaming, one of the voices in his head tells him to turn off his cell phone.

John is stuffing an order of wings into a baguette over a bed of mini donuts and samosas with a side of hot dogs smothered in kettle korn and some gelato for dessert…. and a lemonade.

John is releasing a line of perfumes based on Winnipeg Transit smells like “Expired Transfer Slip”, “Hot Diesel Traffic Jam”, and “Bus Shelter Mystery”…

John is the guy in the mini-donut line that can’t make up his mind…

John is at the Fringe festival wondering about the port-a-potties behind the lemonade stand…

John tried to buy a coffee at the Starbucks with a Fringe Festival beer ticket… So tired.

John is betting the trifecta on the horse race of mediocrity…

John is counting down to walkie talkie poetry

John marvels at the strange times we live in… a quarter past thirteen, eighty minutes to banana, and the age of aquarium… Strange times indeed…

John chews 4 stuffed betel leaves at the same time, ignoring the red saliva, because he has a high threshold of paan…

John is actually of Irish descent. His mother’s maiden name was O’clock. In fact he comes from a long line of O’clocks, and to him, time is relatives…

John wonders if he should be concerned that his blog got over 200 hits from North Korea yesterday…

John is better known as Johnny Dandelion Seed…

John is in the Winnipeg airport trying to check a suitcase full of… whatever Toronto has, but betterer…

John watched the wind wind round the complex complex and buffet the buffet of Polish produce, that will produce a shiny polish and entrance the invalid invalid at the entrance. The heteronym police have been called and are on their way…

John is eating some Montreal smoked meat on a piece of Winnipeg rye and a Nanaimo bar on a bed of Saskatoon berries… With… Um… A Regina fork?

John is at the Safeway observing the woman, who has nine kids with her, reach for the smoked oysters…

John thinks that if his cat sheds anymore hair, he’s going to need a comb-over.

John knows that folk fest must be on because Wolseley is empty.

John just finished reading The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee and found it to be just a play on words…

John is that guy in the stands at the football game, watching re-runs of Full House on a portable DVD player, and screaming “Don’t do it D.J.! You’ll get grounded!”

John isn’t sure who Lou is, or why we celebrate his insides, but happy In Lou day… (For July 2nd in lieu of Canada Day)

John would like to apologise to all of my Non-Canadian Facebook friends for the extra patriotism that will be displayed today during Canada day. We’re sorry. It won’t happen again until the Olympics.

John is fed up with Guinness and their stupid record book. So he wrote his own, and included his own records like “Shallowest bottomless pit”, “Best smelling transit enclosure”, and “Most quadruple plays in baseball”…

John observed Rush Limbaugh’s genitals in an air conditioned room, because he doesn’t like sweating over the small things…

John is launching a campaign to bring back 8-Track tapes…

John is at the Safeway, thanking them for pre-cubed cheese, pre-cooked bacon, and pre-dead batteries…

John is hoping to make the Canadian Olympic beard growing team…

John wonders if capital crimes are case sensitive…

John thinks it may be easier for the city to list the streets that are NOT under construction in the newspaper…

John threw a bunch of marbles into a grand piano and then played Flight Of The Bumble Bee…

John thinks that if Hobbits can have second breakfasts, then by golly he can open a Denny’s™ in the Shire…

John overheard two women at the dance recital: “Wow, the sound was just awful, wasn’t it?” “Ya, but the audio was good.”

John has invented the cat hair loom and is now taking orders for various clothing items such as cat hair scarves, cat hair tea cozies, and cat hair underwear…

John slipped and spilt the spleuchan of spoiled split spelt. It ‘sploded…

John found the golden turnip in “The Really Annoying Game That Announces Things That Are Found In Other People’s Newsfeed Game”…

John made it to level three but can’t get past the boss on level four on the ATM…

John is arguing philosophical paradigms with his cats in Latin…

John is in a tower with some wild swans overlooking the lake at Innisfree, smelling a rose among the reeds… (W.B. Yeats’ birthday)

John is at the zoo, outside the monkey cage, dressed as a banana…

John never went viral before… (talking about the Stanford graphic)

John will work here someday: (2012 Tony Awards)

John is buying shares in shawarma, and hoping he hasn’t missed the bubble… (Avengers Movie)

John is at the Safeway, replacing all of the nutrition labels with stickers that say “Ha! Made you look!”…

John mounted a windmill on a Toyota and is running the car off of wind energy… He just needs a push to get started…

John is at the Staples buying some construction paper, cardboard, reams of printer paper and other supplies because he needs to lose weight. Gonna build himself a stationary bike…

John didn’t know that the Umbrella Corporation made bath salts…

John is on the bus asking for a transfer so he can make his connection on the transit of Venus…

John reads Extra Cute Kitten And Puppy Dog Magazine strictly for the articles…

John misunderstood the term “telephone tag”, he just threw his cellphone at someone and yelled “Tag! You’re it!”. This is apparently not covered in the phone’s warranty…

John is at the baseball stadium with a TV remote trying to change the Jumbo Tron to Doogie Howser…

John thinks if the interest on his savings was the same rate as the interest on his credit cards, he would have retired at 28…

John just received an honourary doctorate in firearms repair from Matchbook University.

John is at the Safeway replacing the genetically altered tomatoes with red styrofoam balls because they taste better…

John invented the Insanity Metronome, which is actually just a bunch of 4 year old children with tap shoes…

John is running down Osborne street in fur coat, leather helmet with a battle axe asking if anyone has seen any white walkers…

John learned to parkour from his cats…

John saw a penny, two nickels, and a dime, just lying on the sidewalk and ran at full speed in the other direction because he fears change…

John is so happy that the new Garage Band for iPad has a cowbell… everybody who comes near him is not so happy…

John is at the bookstore, looking for wisdom, but all he found was candle holders and tchotchkes…

John is writing a tell all book about the shady dealings of the Absolute brand washing powder company, because powder corrupts, but Absolute powder corrupts absolutely…

John just saw two guys on motorcycles drive by, one of them had a cane and was yelling “I’m dead!”, the other was yelling “I will be in 5 months!” (For the series finale of House M.D.)

John is at the Starbucks with a pile of I.V. bags asking the barista to fill them… with decaf…

John is at the Safeway asking the checkout clerk when the Safeway Club meetings are…

John was made in a facility that also processes nuts…

John ponders the world as one big Dungeons and Dragons game with all of the countries as characters… and the United States should have paid more attention to their constitution when leveling up…

John is helping those who have disposable income with his new Income Disposal Service. “IDS, give your cash to us”…

John will not be renewing his subscription to Fake Cheese Slice Aficionado Monthly…

John needs to review his house insurance policy and see if there is anything about confetti cannon misuse…

John has opened a new store in the mall called “The Creationist Shoppe” that sells such items as: carbon dating kits that only go up to 6000 years ago, fireplace logs made from copies of “On the Origin of Species”, and TV remotes that only tune your television to FOX news…

John hates when a word can mean more than one thing, but he can’t do anything about it, for fear of being labeled an anti semantic…

John wanted to make a golem to guard his house, but he had no clay, so he used the cat hair left on the couch…

John is at the Safeway testing the R value of breakfast cereals…

John quotes Monty Python on Monty Python Status Day: ‎”Well, it’s five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC 2 now it’ll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it’ll be ten o’clock and at 10.30 we’ll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33, and don’t forget tomorrow when it’ll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It’s six and a half minutes to the big green thing.”

John is using a robocaller to enquire whether people know where Sarah Connor is…

John attached a fire hose to his dishwasher because he doesn’t like to wait. He also doesn’t like to put away the dishes so this is a win-win.

John used to wonder what happens when you put a container of yoghurt into an autoclave. He does not wonder anymore… and he needs a new autoclave…

John just got a pocket call from a kangaroo…

John is at the Safeway, advertising his new shopping cart wheel alignment service. Gonna make a fortune…

John thought that the words “That was a nail biting cricket match” would never escape his lips, but here we are…

John is at the checkout at the Safeway, with a cart full with 200 Hungry Man™ frozen entrees and 1 bottle of antacid…

John remembers when the term “paper or plastic?” was used at a grocery store and not a bank…

John thinks that the new combination “Magic Store and Hasenpfeffer Restaurant” on the corner is a little suspicious…

John mourns the recent discontinuation of the 1¢ piece and the devastating effect it is having on the Penny Candy industry…

John just saw one of his cats walk by with a new teardrop tattoo under it’s eye. Somewhere, there is a dead squeaky toy…

John is at the lottery counter getting a better return than his RRSPs are…

John is at the bank, adding a joystick, a jump button and a coin slot to an ATM…

John is bottling Naga Pepper paste as the cure for the common cold. One tablespoon and you’ll forget you have the sniffles.

John is making a big pot of coffee using Red Bull™ instead of water in the coffee maker.

John is at the Starbucks asking where Boomer and Apollo are…

John hates the new thing that came with the whatchamacallit that he bought down at that place with all the doo dads and thingamaboopers.

John is starting a geriatric diva cover band called Cher And Cher Alike…

John thinks that money should burn… Not melt…

John is giving out “Get Out of Jail Free” cards to everybody in line to see the new Three Stooges Movie…

John needs to learn how to sing in pitch, because security at the airport says that sharp objects are not allowed…

John is going to spend the day going to random people’s facebook pages and liking things from 6 months ago…

John opened a can of whoop-ass today… but he got it at the dollar store… so it’s actually a can of whuup-arse with 20% extra whuup that will make you having much lucks…

John is not eligible for the latest Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes…

John is selling amorphophallus titanum corsages….

John skyped about skipping his skipper’s skiff skit. A bountiful blurb about a blowhard’s boat… Boisterous, beautiful, but boring. Melodious music might mend most of the mistakes.

John tattooed the word “water” on the soles of his feet…

John is introducing a tax bill that gives benefits to people whose names rhyme with Kron Shent Ewenore…

John knows that God helps those that help themselves, so the next time he’s at your house, he’s going into your fridge and making a sandwich…

John dropped a bottle of Bordeaux, smashing it to pieces and causing him to cry. It was a wine whine situation…

John is being patriotic by refusing to use computer devices that have USB, and instead using ones that are Canada-B…

John thinks that Karma is ignoring his Facebook friend request…

John is not going to go see the new Three Stooges Movie. Instead, he will wait for it to be turned into a musical and shown on Broadway…

John accidentally spray painted an orange dot on his chest and now he’s on the run from the city because they think he has Dutch Elm disease…

John thinks that it’s hard not getting all sappy when you’re planting a tree…

John can’t get the wifi working on his etch-a-sketch…

John remembers that God created the Earth on April 1st, and it will forever be a reminder to not let these April Fools jokes get out of hand…

John is at the bank, asking the teller if he could see the manager, you know, the big red gentleman with the horns, hoofs, and tail, wielding a pitchfork?

John is selling bullet proof hoodies…

John remembers when # was just called a number sign…

John wants to know what kind of chemicals are being used in the new plastic hundred and fifty dollar bills, are they BPA free? Because that could make snorting cocaine hazardous to your health…

John is celebrating world theatre day by being all dramatic and stuff…

John is out of salt, so he’s going back to the mine to get him some…

John is in the park with a pair of 3D glasses on, touching a tree and saying “Ohhhh! It’s so lifelike!”

John is at the Safeway talking about the weather and the local sports team with the automated checkout machine.

John is at the art gallery telling all the patrons outrageously boring stories about the relatives of the artists that are on display, which goes to show that an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of obscure…

John named the creek that was flowing past his backyard as The Reginald C Blitzenwhistle Memorial Tributary of Greatness, thus creating a stream of pompousness…

John thinks that the Rue whistle from The Hunger Games sounds an awful lot like the alien tune from Close Encounters of the Third Kind…

John has seen the writing on the wall. Well, actually it was graffiti and about some dude from Nantucket….

John had quite a scare when he stepped on his electronic scale and it just kept flashing “1200” “1200”…. turns out he was just standing on his old VCR…

John is at the mall sitting at a table in a chicken suit with a clipboard asking people if their credit card gives them nugget points…

John found the end of the rainbow, but due to the recession there was no pot of gold, instead, the leprechaun was halfheartedly guarding a bucket of pennies and some 2 for 1 coupons to KFC…

John is looking out his window at global warming. Winnipeg may get spring on the first day of spring…

John was craving pancakes, but every time he goes out for them he is dissapointed with the results because a Denny’s craved is a Denny’s spurned…

John reads really remedial readers, making him almost altogether alliterate…

John has opened a high end dairy and sausage shop and called it For Butter or Wurst.

John set his time machine to 2:30am this morning and it went to Saskatchewan…

John had a pot of coffee and now he’s wide awake to take on the world and do stuff and have some more coffee and cook a nine course dinner and read four books and wow this mug is shiny I wonder how many times I can press the letter p in 10 seconds ppppppppppppppppppppppppppp 27 times I think I’ll take the dog for a walk I don’t have a dog I’m going to go find a dog…

John is in the boxing ring ready to take a dive because he lives on a fixed income…

John wanted to wish a Happy Holi to all his Hindu friends, a Festive Purim to all his Jewish Friends, and a Celebratory International Women’s Day to all the international women, but the clerk at the Hallmark says they don’t carry a greeting card like that. So instead he’ll just throw some coloured powders while wearing a mask and bad mouthing Rush Limbaugh…

John has attached a rocket engine to a rickshaw and is calling it rapid transit…

John was failing at his glass blowing workshop because all of his projects ended up looking like hot dogs, so he switched teachers because the glass is always wiener with the other guide.

John spilled some Nair™ on his shag carpeting, and now he has hardwood floors…

John is going back to school to get his Masters degree in chemistry, so he can read and understand the ingredients in his food…

John showed up to the fencing match with a lightsaber…

John is at the Safeway buying a gift card to the Shoppers Drug Mart to get a gift card to the Safeway…

John found some amazing coupons on the internet, but he ruined a perfectly good pair of scissors trying to cut his laptop screen…

John is making some fancy ice cream by pouring Kool-Aid on a snow drift…

John is drinking a Diet Coke™ which has zero calories, making it healthy. Later he will have some other healthy zero calorie meals such as a small plate of air, a bowl of rocks in water, and a glass of fire…

John is watching reruns of the weather channel…

John has invented an alarm clock that only plays Justin Bieber songs to wake you up. Comes complete with sledgehammer…

John is leaving a pie in a 450° oven for 3 hours because the doctor told him he should burn some calories…

John has been found in contempt of the food court.

John is at the gas station asking for a nickels worth.

John thinks that in this terrible age of theatres turning movies into musicals (The latest being Rocky Balboa The Musical), that they should consider bringing Gumnaam to the stage… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHA_S48KRrI&

John would like to point out that the idea of there being no new ideas is not a new idea…

John is saving the earth by putting LED lights on his Riel Day celebratory plastic gallows this year… although he has to go to Saskatchewan to install them… (Louis Riel Day)

John has started filming a new TV show where annoying teenagers sing and dance while covered in clarified butter… It’s called Ghee.

John is in line to get into the aquarium wearing a scuba suit…

John is happy that Phantom Menace has an opportunity to suck in another dimension…

John is rendering renditions of rendered renderings…

John has started his own food company that supplies to local cafeterias. It’s called “The green stuff, the brown stuff, and the blue stuff”

John underestimated the entertainment value of two cats, some catnip, and a bag of styrofoam packing…

John can go from zero to two hundred in cupcake flat.

John will start to write
all statuses in haiku.
Never mind that’s dumb.

John is at the Starbucks ordering a “Venti Pike with room, with a va-va-voom, add a side of tunes, (need to get on my croon, in a world of soon)”. The barista yells to the back “Does anybody here speak weird old guy?”

John is at the City of Winnipeg Regulatory Affairs office asking the Outdoor Manager to please regulate the temperature…

John is in the elevator with a Casio making his own Muzak…

John is going to random weddings just so he can sign the guest book with “First!”…

John is at the local tavern, wearing a Mumbai Indians shirt, and asking the very large bartender if he could switch the television from this SuperDuper Bowl thing to cricket… (SuperBowl Sunday)

John has discovered many new astronomical phenomena using his new deep space radio kaleidoscope…

John is practicing his yodeling in the food court at the mall…

John extinguished all sources of light, and put a bag over the groundhog’s head… (Groundhog Day)

John is at the job fair at the high school extolling the virtues of working at job fairs at high schools…

John is that guy on the bus who reads all of the advertisements aloud so everybody is informed…

John is at the Denny’s™ with a flame thrower, going to every table and asking “Can I warm up your coffee?”

John wonders, does dew don the does at dawn, or do does doze at dawn due to dew? …. Oh deer…

John is scalping tickets to the new Dora the Explorer ice show at the old folks home…

John isn’t running late, he’s walking early…

John is at the Safeway buying No-Name™ brand Potato Flavoured Snacks, Almost Like Cheese™ dip, Unknown Meat Product Dumplings™ and President’s Choice™ light beer in anticipation of an invite to a ProBowl party…

John thinks, that: Punctuation is; overrated and. Everybody! Will still/understand” his. Meaning?

John is at the Safeway getting into an argument with the self serve automated cashier because it won’t double bag…

John loved the second act of the Bus Stop Players new drama “I forgot my bus pass at home… And so did my friend…”

John thought he was on a reality show and started talking to the video camera in the closet…

John will do anything for plates of different curries and rice, which makes him a thali ho…

John is throwing his endorsement for the Republican nomination behind Palpatine because he is tired of those stupid Naboo and their non-confidence votes, and overly intricate dress codes.

John is at the Safeway jumping into one of the standup freezers to warm up after coming in from outside…

John will, in protest of the current SOPA legislation, drink two bottles of scotch and blackout…

John is saving money by making his own Raisin Bran using Glosettes™ that he sucked the chocolate off of, and wood chips…

John drinks Fair Trade coffee, which has 15 grams of sodium, 2 grams of protein, and 100 grams of moral fiber…

John is at the Starbucks™ getting an Egg McMuffin, then to McDonalds™ for a coffee, Boston Pizza™ for fried chicken, Chicken Delight™ for pizza, and… Wait a minute… Did I leave the opposite machine on again? Oh well, I’ll check it after I buy some shoes at the Supercuts™ and get my hair done at the Footlocker™…

John is on his front lawn, reenacting the Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896 using finger puppets and modern dance. He would have picked a different war, but it’s cold outside in a leotard.

John bought a Kindle™ that is signed by the author…

John is the new offensive coordinator for the Denver Broncos. Easy job, the Broncos are pretty offensive already…

John just watched a fat guy in a red suit drop off 12 meatless dishes, a nesting doll in the shape of Milla Jovovich, and a big ol kielbasa for the cats.

John is in his ball of yarn costume and his cats are making him nervous…

John Is afraid to take a shower because he is expecting the Fed Ex guy. Thank you Fed Ex for your water conservation efforts.

John’s New Years resolution is 300 DPI

John is marketing frozen treats made from pineapple juice in the shape of Iranian missiles. They are called Topical Tropical Popsicles…

John Is at the mall asking the clerk at the lush store for a bottle of cheap scotch and some fortified wine…

John Just saw a mob of angry clowns. One clown is harmless, but a mob of clowns is an unstoppable jugglenaut….

John Knows he’s at a classy restaurant when they serve that Spanish coffee called Café ¡Olé!

John Thinks that the cloak of invisibility that he bought from the nice man with the van in the alley may be defective.

John was performing an interpretive dance piece in the middle of the food court hoping to make some money, but all he got was 3 business cards from psychiatrists, and the Heimlich Maneuver from a truck driver named Bruce.

John is standing at the corner of portage and main with a big sign that reads “Bring back the Prince Rupert Lacrosse Club”…

John is at the Safeway taking all of the powder cheese packs out of Kraft Dinner boxes and replacing them with ground up newspaper for better nutrition…

John is impressed that communion wafers are vegan friendly… I guess this means that Jesus was a vegetable.

John is drawing hopscotch squares on NASCAR racetracks…

John has set up a stand on his front lawn, selling ground up lawn clippings in a glass and charging $6.50…

John is at the pharmacist filling his prescription for placebo…

John has started a new cable venture that features 24 hours of fishermen giving people the finger… it’s called Netflips™…

John is dressed in a Sandra Bullock costume driving a city bus down Portage avenue.

John is on stage dressed in a big pink cat suit, trying to exit stage left…

John is reading the terms and conditions for iTunes instead of just hitting agree…

John is in the office tower playing elevator karaoke… you can play too, next time you get on an elevator, sing along to the music.

John has invented a feline to english translator and now he has to go shopping for yarn and tuna…

John will never understand wicker…

John has brought a floor buffer to the curling rink…

John is at the UN general assembly in one of the translator booths giving play by play for sporting events… he is very popular.

John Watched Sideways last night and thought it was winey…

John Knows that he is living in a new age when the church down the road is sponsoring a good old fashioned Kindle burning…

John thinks that Pong The Movie in 3D and the subsequent video game, novels, and musical written by Iggy Pop and Plácido Domingo is going to make him a fortune…

John Can’t decide which space age polymer foam makes a better mattress, Memory Foam™ or Wonder Bread™…

John attached a tambourine to a paint shaker and brought it to a Sarah McLachlan concert. Songs are still too slow…

John is the new 4th chair in the banjo section of the symphony..

John can run a 4 hour mile…

John attached a cat toy to a long string and tied it to the ceiling fan and unwittingly created an F4 tornado with his cats…

John is beat boxing Die Entführung aus dem Serail…

John is entertaining foreign visitors by reenacting the story of Canada Day and how Francois the French Fry was driven away with buckets of gravy and hunks of unripe cheese by the villagers…

John is asking the stewardess, one more time, how the seatbelt works…

John wonders if the toilet seat on the airplane is a floatation device…

John has read the rules, again, and still doesn’t understand Cricket…

John know there are glass half empty people, and glass half full people. John’s glass is on fire.

John told the bus driver that he dinged the dang dingy Thingy, but the dang dingy thing didn’t ding.

John Is at a really fancy restaurant. He knows it’s fancy because there is a choice in gravies…

John is at the Safeway with a shopping cart full of Cheez Whiz and a bottle of Metamucil…

John left his iPad on the table and his cat walked across it and now he has the winning bid on a lock of Justin Beiber’s hair from EBay…

John is being played by Beau Bridges in the made for TV movie “Get The Hell Out Of My Safeway!”

John has a great idea! Let’s get some really sharp aluminum and make a chain mail curtain and cover an acoustic abomination and call it an outdoor stage!

John is making a series of instructional videos on how to artificially inseminate various jungle animals with the use of finger puppets, interpretive dance, and mime.

John got the tubes mixed up this morning and now there is less swelling on his gums and his buttocks smells like mint and is free of tartar…

John is the owner and operator of the best jazz club you have EVER seen…

John Used auto tune on a set of bagpipes to create a wormhole to another dimension. Over there, they think the cube sucks too.

John Attached some flashlights to a ceiling fan. After staring at it for an hour, he is hypnotized and thinks he’s a chicken.

John Is in a bait shop screaming “Oh My God! Worm sign! Worm sign! We shall change the face of Arakis!”

John Is working on his Canadian Idol audition. By the sounds of the howling of the dogs next door, he has a good shot at it this year…

JOHN BROKE HIS CAPS LOCK AND NOW HE’S REALLY ANGRY ABOUT IT SO HE IS SCREAMING!

John cooked ten kilos of bacon in a kitchen with no ventilation because he ran out of pomade…

John Is looking for an Easy Bake Oven that has a rotisserie option…

John Is spewing out colorful poetry about growing lemons in the Yukon while standing in a bucket of whipping cream and wearing a tu-tu. It’s been a good Fringe…

John brought his Bob the Builder tool belt to the Fringe strike because he’s allowed to use power tools.

John is at the Safeway giving CPR to an artichoke heart…

John Is installing airbags on bumper cars at the fair…

John Is texting knock knock jokes to himself on the bus…

John Is at the Safeway in the self checkout buying peanuts… One nut at a time…

John is selling T-shirts, mail-order, to the USA. They say “We can’t spell neighbour without u !”

John Wrote an informational pamphlet about the dangers of danger…

John Is leaning out as far as he can to grab that brass ring, but the voice from the box just keeps asking if he wants fries with that and the people behind him keep honking. It’s the dumbest merry-go-round he’s ever seen…

John is throwing peanuts into the fire pit, one by one, and all he can hear are tiny squirrel voices from the trees, screaming “Nooooooooo!”

John is at the Starbucks ordering a Venti triple syrup Chocolate frappuccino with whip and sprinkles, and then asking where they keep the Slpenda…

John is tired of the poltergeist that haunts his basement, so he bought a treadmill, some barbells, and a rowing machine…

John has been put on a low sodium diet, and now he can’t watch Supernatural no more…

John placed seventh in the Fourteenth Annual Butte Montana Air Bassoon and Cheese Eating contest. He blames his poor finish on the air reed…

John Is adding best before dates to TV programs…

John Is looking for the “Emergency Stop Button” for the planet…

John Put a rocket engine on a Tim Horton’s employee… Nope, still too slow.

John was doing some house cleaning and accidentally vacuumed up an iPhone, a copy of the New York Times Crossword, and a Jon Stewart action figure and inadvertently created artificial intelligence…

John is driving a DeLorean up to the front gate of the nuclear plant…

John is at the blood bank in a Vampire costume asking when the hours are…

John is selling garlands made from catnip to wear around your neck. They come complete with bandages and iodine…

John remembers video arcades, duck and cover, and a three channel universe…

John may have to break down and buy clothes that don’t advertise for an audio company or have the name of a show written on it…

John is in the zone. He’s getting things done, completing tasks, tying up loose ends… The zone sucks, he should be in the sloth instead…

John is testing the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test, if it had been a real emergency you would be on Twitter and not Facebook…

John is building a trophy room for all of his “Participation Ribbons”… Gonna be a big ass room…

John violated the YouTube copyright policy and uploaded season 1 of “Full House”. Nobody noticed…

John has set up an illegal video stream of the Biannual South Eastern Manitoba Regional Stationary Bike Race Preliminaries…

John is on the run from the Mattress Tag Police…

John is air conditioning his house with seventeen open refrigerators and a penny in the fuse box…

John doesn’t like like this…

John has entered the rough and tumble world of illegal underground crochet yarn smuggling…

John is now President of the “Star Trek Universe People’s, Independent Dilithium Hoarding, Enterprise Appreciation Dork Society”…

John is a Leo… Which means his parents got really drunk at a Christmas office party and couldn’t find a condom…

John is following the trend of using meaningful song lyrics as his Facebook status… “Here’s the story, Of a lovely lady, Who was bringing up three very lovely girls…”

John invented the ultimate college food. Actually it’s just a box of Kraft Dinner™, Scotch Taped™ to a package of Mr. Noodles™…

John got confused and thought his online banking website was an online gambling website… Not that it matters that much, in both cases, the house always wins…

John is at the Herbal Magic in the strip mall asking the trainer for a lid of Purple Kush and a quad of Super Skunk…

John Is running into traffic on Portage avenue, dressed up in a giant frog suit…

John is at the Safeway customer service desk asking when the next club meeting is…

John has a new job nude modeling at the Subway™ for the sandwich artists…

John found two badminton shuttlecocks in a bush, but left them there because the one in his hand is supposedly worth the same…

John walked past the Apple™ store and saw their new slogan: “Now what the hell are we going to do?”

John is working for the Government of Canada perfecting their new 1 million dollar bill, which will be made into paper airplanes and called a defense budget…

John is at the L’atelier De Joël Robuchon Etoile restaurant in Paris ordering a baloney sandwich on Wonder Bread and a Bud Light…

John doesn’t care if it’s only Facebook, it still isn’t right if your boss is poking you…

John is wishing all the pregnant women out there a happy labour day…

John Thinks someone is breaking into his refrigerator and putting Rogain™ on his cheese…

John is walking around the mall in a Santa suit, telling shoppers that “it’s almost time”…

John is watching the label on the Coors Light can

John is at the Safeway, in the personal care aisle, dressed in a hazmat suit, talking to the clerk, “Ya, we’re just down the street at the YMCA. What’s the strongest deodorant that you guys carry?”

John has entered the space race. He just needs to go to the Walmart and pick up 400 bottles of Diet Coke, 400 packs of Mentos, and a lawn chair…

John is on the phone to FOX news, reminding them that 9/11 is this weekend, just in case they forgot…

John Is at the church in a suit of armor, talking to the Priest “Dude! My hit points are really low. How much do you charge for a heal spell?”

John now knows that asking the bus driver “What does this button do? Uh huh, uh huh… Well… What does THIS button do?” was much cuter when he was 4 years old and not 44…

John thinks that Hitler ruined the tiny moustache for everybody…

John saw something this morning that he hasn’t seen in quite sometime… His breath.

John is at the casino looking for the high stakes “Crazy Eights” table…

John is learning the finer points of ro shambau

John is now a black belt in jazz hands…

John is on the bus in a football uniform and full pads, standing in front of the rear exit in a three point stance, just to make a point…

John is at the travel agent, talking to the clerk. “I need to go away and find myself, but I don’t want to spend more than a hundred bucks”. The clerk held up a mirror and a map of Brandon…

John is the reason they invented sneeze guards…

John is walking around the aisles of the 7-11 with a shopping cart…

John is at the Safeway grabbing

John now let’s you sort his blue tab status by most important list of stupid. He also highlights what he thinks is the most important statuses in your Safeway feed…

John is outside the Dollar Store, waiting for it to open for their 99¢ sale… Since it’s Winnipeg, he’s 47th in line…

John Heard that twitter has a virus now… Thats a whole new type of condom…

John has used a motorized machine with rotating blades to keep his weeds at a uniform length…

John is harvesting all his hemp because he’s at the end of his rope…

John is at the Safeway looking for some Aluminum Potassium Sulfate and some Polyvinylpolypyrrolidone in the bulk section because he wants to make some Twinkies from scratch…

John is returning his copy of Facebook to the library…

John just received a large parcel from Fed-Ex that was full of yarn and rubber mice, and there is a rather large charge on his credit card… The cats look suspicious…

John isn’t selling very many of his portable deep fryers for the car…

John wonders if today’s strange children sit at the back of the classroom while eating ⌘V?

John thinks it’s interesting that the Conservative Party’s propaganda machine comes complete with a Sunshine Girl™…

John Semicolon is a colon resection

John is thankful for that Nigerian general who will be paying him lots of money soon…

John listed the seventh deadly sins as a group of lions.

John is at the liquid cheese machine in the 7-11™ with a bucket…

John was at the Safeway looking for products that don’t have stupid commercials. He left with a toilet plunger and a bag of onions…

John thinks that if he continues to sing Final Countdown at the top of his lungs, someone is going to punch him…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_IKcMl_a9A

John is heading out to occupy Winnipeg, because he doesn’t like to be on TV…

John is frustrated because the music store won’t fix his instruments. He needs to replace the skin on his oil drum, fix the spit valve on his shoe horn, and something is very wrong with the embouchure plate on his champagne flute…

John just joined the Situational Online Theory of Manitoba Association, or Sit On The Man Ass for short…

John is in the corn maze wearing a Pacman costume…

John just got 13 points from China’s Liu Ou and her triple back tuck, in his Fantasy Synchronized Swimming league…

John wonders who first thought of some things; like drying out plants, rolling them up, lighting them on fire, and inhaling; or hitting a small ball with a piece of wood and then running around a diamond shaped field? In that vein, John will now start yodeling in Flemish while juggling two cinder blocks and a chihuahua in lieu of payment for cigarettes and baseball tickets…

John is knitting himself a new cat, from the hair on the couch from the other cats…

John just released his new solo tuba album “sixty minutes of silence” on iTunes. It’s a 32 minute recording of him trying to figure out which end to blow in to. (Hey, it’s no worse than some of the stuff on there)…

John can’t find any Mr. T lights anywhere in this town… (Happy Diwali)…

Is the new mannequin dresser for the Hudson Bay Company. He is looking for a supplier of over sized shoes, clown noses, and ridiculously small codpieces…

John has a subscription to the newspaper so he can have an endless supply of pirate hats…

John didn’t understand, so he made a pot of Earl Grey in the Nettie pot…

John can’t stand rush hour in downtown Winnipeg, so he’s flying to New Delhi to get away from the crowds…

John is in his ball of yarn costume and his cats are making him nervous…

John is at the insurance office taking out a policy on the rest of the Oakland Raider’s season…

John is dreaming of mythical creatures like fairies, dragons, and incorruptible politicians…

John is the guy on the bus who reads all of the advertisements out loud for the benefit of his fellow passengers…

John doesn’t like the new 2011 Edsels… Whoops! What dimension is this? Oh! Should have known I was in the wrong dimension… in our dimension, facebook went bankrupt and turned into an S&M site for librarians…

John is in line for the mall Santa, encouraging the other children to ask for a big bag of money…

John rolled a 19 on his d20 and smote the level 7 Douchbag thus acquiring his helm of unnecessary applications and his earpiece of Bluetooth…

John is buying a Sīṛhī to Svarga…

John rented a copy of “Ishtar” to use as a sleep aid.

John is going down south to do some shopping at an American Tire, because the Canadian Tire money is almost at par…

John is being harassed by Greenpeace because his practice of fishing for compliments isn’t dolphin safe…

John has built an underground railroad for all the American turkeys…

John now holds the 57th spot on the charts for top harmonica cassette tape compilation…

John has knocked out most of his teeth trying to use the Shake Weight™, because by the looks of the commercials he thought it was some kind of oral hygiene device…

John Is the fourth guy on the left in the Bollywood dance number…

John thinks that Bing Crosby should start dreaming about something else…

John has reprogrammed your operating system to deliver the following error messages at random. “Your hard drive contains too many inane articles about quilting”, “This word processing file is invalid because it doesn’t contain a word that has more than two syllables”, and “Stupid says what?”…

John is piping in Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” into the waiting room at the psychiatrist’s office…

John followed the instructions, and called the number for a good time. Lars was nice enough I guess, but he didn’t want to play chess.

John has his pantaloons in a sheepshank…

John ordered one of those Swedish pump deals from the internet. Turns out that the thing doesn’t work. Yup, it’s a complete phallusy…

John was run over by a rickshaw…

John is busking Nine Inch Nails tunes on an accordion. So far he has received 2 nickels, a Chuck-E-Cheese game token, and an expired bus pass…

John is being sued by the Disabled People’s Alliance for teaching all of the helper monkeys how to play World Of Warcraft™…

John is designing truthful signs for businesses: “New slightly lower price for a much smaller portion”, “We are now Self Serve to serve us better”, and “Hey! Look at this shiny thing so you don’t notice how much we suck!”…

John is printing train schedules for the one track mind…

John didn’t know that a facebook status (from some guy he bumped into at the methadone clinic) that says “Met a cool guy named JBJ, his beard is righteous” is not considered a proper reference on a job application…

John is reading the Neo-Luddism manifesto on a Kindle™…

John is stealing status updates from other people. John Bent Jr just got a run in her pantyhose…

John is being inducted into the procrastinator’s hall of fame, sometime in the future when they get around to it… and after they build it…

John is now friends with Batman, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, Lord Ganesh remover of all obstacles, and 13 other people.

John is ordering a large Veggie with double the meat and hold all vegetables on half, an Hawaiian hold the Pineapple and all non-kosher meat products on a quarter, and a Meatzza without any animal products and triple the organic eggplant on the other quarter, on a foot tossed thin crust deep dish…

John is retelling “The Saga of the Volsungs” with the use of some cheap hand props and poorly constructed hand puppets…

John notices that the mob with the pitchforks and torches are gone from his front lawn…

John lives in Winnipeg, or as I like to call it, Large Regina…

John is counting sheep to try to get to sleep. He can’t sleep because the sheep are making too much noise…

John took the personality test at a scientology centre. He received a score of zero and was asked to leave…

John didn’t get his chicken in the pot…

John is stuffing ballot boxes with halloween candy.

John is on his tricycle with a bowl, a spoon, and a box of “Double Sugar Chocolate Corn Bombs”™, chasing a semi-trailer full of milk…

John installed a tilt-a-whirl™ in his basement, which is awesome, except now he has to feed the carney…

John is translating his status updates into Icelandic to encourage ethnic diversity. “Ekki freyða, tvöfaldur loam, fullur á CAFF, borið fram í carafe, glæsileg, blandað, síróp frestað venti Mokka, eins og sést á Oprah”

John is at the Starbucks ordering a “no foam, double loam, full on caff, served in a carafe, splendid, blended, syrup suspended, venti mocha, like seen on Oprah”. The Barista yells to the back “Old guy off his meds needs a coffee”…

John has entered a mirror store for further reflection…

John is giving in to peer pressure and buying the new Hannah Montana lunch box…

John thinks that the online diet aid and calorie counter that is sponsored by McDonalds is suspect… according to my Big Mac Index, my cholesterol level is too low…

John joined Facebook.

John is disappointed that his new line of surgical procedure Halloween costumes for children are not selling very well…

John is building character… out of Lego…

John is texting random numbers with “Congrats! Is it a boy or a girl”?

John is at the checkout with 2 shopping carts, one filled with loaves of bread, and one filled with tubs of margarine, and screaming I REALLY LIKE TOAST!

John will achieve enlightenment by turning his speech impediment into a mantra. Instead of saying ummm every ten seconds he will say Ohm. “Well it was like this you see, Ohm, I was at the bus stop and Ohm, I caught the bus, Ohm”…

John is melting down pennies so he can re-wire his house…

John is thankful for the thing that happened that time…

John is changing the light at the end of the tunnel to a compact fluorescent…

John is circulating a 52 page memo printed on high gloss, non-recyclable, 40lb paper, about the importance of a paperless society… everybody gets 2 copies just in case you lose one.

John is disappointed that his status isn’t in the movie…

John found himself a James Pascoe rookie card. Now he only needs a John Rutherford and an Oswald Baynes Fysh Jr., to complete his “Mayors of Moose Jaw” trading card collection (black boarder)…

John is at the Safeway… and they won’t let him in for some reason…

John never knew what to do with the little sauce packets that were left over from his take out food, but now he does. He’s been saving them for the past 5 years, and now he’s making a fort out of them…

John found some ancient texts and started translating them from their original Sanskrit in hopes of finding the meaning of life. Turns out it was just a recipe for butter chicken…

John is receiving an honourary degree in sharing from the kindergarten…

John never knows what to say during those awkward moments, like the time between when they take your picture, and when they take your fingerprints…

John remembers that old sailor’s adage… Red sky in morning, sailor’s warning… Red sky at night, the Bar-B-Cue is on fire…

John is at the checkout of the Safeway with a shopping cart full of nothing but bananas, asking the clerk “Have you seen my helper monkey?”

John is pitching a TV show to the Network. It’s a remake of Little House On The Prairie, but with bikinis and explosions…

John has attached his peppermill to a battery powered drill, and now he can’t stop sneezing…

John is sending Sarah Palin a thesaurus…

John is on the bus singing along with his iPod, very loudly, “Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock!”…

John is breaking into hotel rooms and replacing the Gideon’s Bible with copies of “Dianetics” by L. Ron Hubbard…

John was searching for the TV remote in his living room and inadvertently discovered Nirvana under his couch…

John is having problems putting apps on his Sony Cassette Walkman…

John is installing a radar detector on his tricycle…

John is protesting in front of the Toys R Us with a big sign that reads “Bring back the Kung Fu Grip”…

John is standing in the middle of the park in his snowsuit with a toboggan, staring at the sky longingly…

John is chasing all the Goths around with bolts of pastel fabric and Barry Manilow CDs…

John is asking the clerk at the drug store where the male hygiene aisle is…

John is letting one hundred ducks loose in the crouton factory…

John is at the casino looking for a hot “Go Fish” table…

John is that guy who counts out his pennies as he put them in the coin box when he gets on the bus… 1,2,3,4,5… oh! An American penny…. 6,7,8,9…

John is in a batting cage with a Wii controller…

John is attaching plastic spoons to all of the tubs of Crisco in the Safeway…

John found out that he was #92 on Richard Nixon’s list…

John is officially off the grid because he spun “right foot on blue” and fell over…

John would like to remind everybody that the kids are back in school and it’s safe to go back to the mall…

John has a new job as a translator for the United Nations, and suddenly war has broken out between Liechtenstein and the Vatican City…

John has finally figured out how to change the clock on his VCR just in time to upgrade to DVD. Now… how do you rewind a DVD?

John’s ‘s cat walked across his laptop keyboard and inadvertently typed out the meaning of life. Then his other cat followed and hit the delete button…

John spun a six and now he has to go back to the trash compactor… but he has a force card so he can get out next turn…

John is at the Safeway with three shopping carts full of Diet Coke™ and Mentos™, telling the clerk, “You may want to call for a clean-up in aisle three”…

John was using the scientific method to solve the problem of where the socks go in the dryer, and inadvertently proved creationism…

John has seen the writing on the wall, but doesn’t know anyone from Nantucket…

John put an adapter on his Easy Bake Oven™ so he can use it in the car…

John received a secret e-mail from McDonalds by mistake. It outlines their future business plans. All I can say is, twelve years until the McSoylent sandwich…

John was disappointed, Goldman & Sachs doesn’t sell either…

John is at the medical school dressed in hippopotamus costume with a big stack of bibles… “Hi, I’m here to administer some kind of oath?”

John is the guy who’s going to bring back sock garters…

John likes The fake fur that was on the fringe of the hood of his very first parka that he had when he was a kid when the world was fresh and everything was innocent… and bacon…

John is entering a china shop in a bull costume…

John is the square root of negative one. Yes, yes i am.

John has hooked up a wa-wa pedal to a set of bagpipes…

John is at the Safeway, searching in the bulk bins for “The Spice of Life”…

John has become the wrong answer, due to mice…

John is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything… (42nd Birthday).

John now has a keen set of flaming fireballs down the side of his rickshaw…

John made a sculpture of himself from the shoulders up, but it was a complete bust…

John is entering the bank with a red wagon full of pennies… and suddenly there are no tellers…

John has hijacked the PA system at the Safeway and is announcing “Can I get a price check on a 14 gallon pail of KY jelly?”…

John Is filming a documentary about the seedy underbelly of lemonade stand shenanigans….

John saw the saw, saw the see saw in Saw…

John has a bone to pick with the people in orthopedics…

John now knows that using 47 open chest freezers is not a cost effective way to cool down your house…

John is tired of cleaning up everybody’s mess at the monastery. Look we’re all in this together, pick up after yourself, it’s only commune sense…

John wonders why all the neighbourhood cats keep hanging around his sandbox…

John just finished a full re-creation of the film “The Octagon” in his basement. His cats were Chuck Norris and Lee Van Cleef and John was Karen Carlson…

John is part of a new six-year medical study that will determine the effects of eating too much paste…

John would like everybody to know that a pool noodle is not rated to tow a trailer down the highway… lesson learned, and sorry to the folks at the Gas and Gulp. I’ll pay for that window…

John thinks that British Petroleum has performed a “Static Kill” on his bathtub drain…

John went to the optometrist to check out a lazy eye… turns out his eye is fine, but the rest of him is hyper-active…

John was asked by the construction guys what the pitch of his roof was… he replied “right around middle C”… then there was a lot of blinking and open mouths…

John would like to point out that when you see the writing on the wall, all it means is that your wall has been tagged… get the hose.

John is walking… NO running to the nearest Wal-Mart… THE NEW TWILIGHT 16 MONTH CALENDAR IS OUT PEOPLE! GET OUT OF MY WAY!

John misread the recipe and now he’s stuck with a zucchini cape…

John reminds people that the camera adds 40 pounds… and about 4 shades of grey…

John just installed the Douche Bag package on his tricycle. Includes spinning rims, neon highlights, and a 7000 watt subwoofer…

John finally found the off switch. That’s the last time he tries to make a margarita in a paint can shaker…

John will now recite the complete works of William Shakespeare, in whale song…

John didn’t know that while at the bar, ordering scotch by the pint was frowned upon…

John is running with scissors, beside a swimming pool, during a fire alarm…

John has started a letter writing campaign to change the Sun to a compact fluorescent…

John really really wants to push the big red button…

John and his new “Theatre Critic Dunk Tank” was reviewed by the CBC. “…is a dramatic failure, and not engaging at all. Might appeal to hard-core baseball fans, but left me all wet”. One Star. The sign for the dunk tank now says “Dramatic… Engaging… Hard-core!, CBC”…

John is setting up a dunk tank at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival with a sign that says “Dunk A Theatre Critic”. Gonna make me a small fortune…

John has started an informational picket in front of the phone store. His sign reads “Bring Back Rotary Dials!”…

John is in the mall, at the food court, dressed as a judge, banging his gavel on a table, “Order, order, order in my food court!”…

John is having an argument with his cat about the politics surrounding dolphin safe tuna. The cat, really doesn’t care. He just wants the damn tuna.

John will be giving every single performer at the Fringe Festival a handbill to his show… revenge for 12 years of receiving handbills from desperate thespians. Sweet, sweet revenge…

John is at the Toys R Us in a Santa Suit pointing to random children and saying “Good List, Bad List, Bad List, REALLY Bad List, Good List”…

John is at the zoo, outside the monkey enclosure, dressed as a banana…

John noticed that the movie Blade Runner takes place in the year 2019. That only gives us 9 years to start making those rocket cars…

John came in fourth at the annual Air Timpani contest in Moose Jaw…

John has released a new line of microwave meals that contain salt and sand. He is marketing them as “Multi-Grain”…

John likes the “World’s Biggest Nickel” in Sudbury Ontario, and the “World’s Largest Axe” in Nackawic New Brunswick, but thinks that Dildo Newfoundland should leave well enough alone…

John thinks that the World Wrestling Entertainment folks should recruit his cats. All you have to do, is try to take them to the veterinarian’s office…

John has started his own reality show in the spirit of “Deadliest Catch”, “Ice Road Truckers”, and “Dirty Jobs”. He’s calling it “Stage Door”… it’s about dealing with stage moms.

John many who like Inane Musings like this…

John thinks that it’s the perfect time to invade, while their attention is on hot dogs, beer, and fireworks… then we could inherit their… um… oil spill, and um… staggering deficit… and um… nevermind.

John stubbed his toe on his own ego…

John is horrified by some of the recipes in his cook book. The meringue recipe calls for egg separation, whipping, and “Whites Only”…

John is celebrating Canada Day by shooting off fireworks… home-made fireworks… people in his neighbourhood should be able to return to their homes by the end of the day…

John is tired of calling people “Douchebags” or “Assholes” or any number of derogatory terms that just don’t seem to do the job. So from now on, when anybody pisses him off, he’ll just say “You are such a British Petroleum”…

John loves it when The Wheel OF Fortune™ has pirate contestants and they ask for the letter R…

John noticed that the Toronto Police were arresting everybody that was wearing black clothing… so now the jails are full of a bunch of Goths, some Twilight fans, and a gaggle of stage hands…

John can’t talk right now. He’s playing Barbies…

John went to the doctor’s office and was diagnosed with mono, but after a second opinion, he was found to actually have stereo…

John is currently in third place in his fantasy Tiddlywinks league…

John has invented the strongest glue ever concieved, by bottleing the floor of a movie theatre…

John is chasing the bunny rabbits in his neighbourhood with contraceptives…

John wonders if Malathion kills other blood suckers besides mosquitoes, because if it does, he’s bringing some to the new Twilight movie…

John has entered the community swimming pool complex carrying a fishing rod and tackle box…

John is trying to learn the phrase “Yes, I have a banana in my pants” in as many languages as humanly possible…

John has started an obedience school for cats…

John is supplying meals for Air Canada on their over seas flights. It consists of a boiled chicken breast, steamed cauliflower, a bun, and it comes with 3 seasoning packages. A pack of salt, a pack of pepper, and a pack of bland…

John is wandering the halls of the hospital dressed in a hooded black cloak, a skeleton mask, with a scythe…

John thinks that the “self check out” is fine for the grocery store, but a bad idea for the proctologist office…

John has 15 remotes on the coffee table in his living room. So he made one remote to rule them all, one remote to find them, one remote to bring them all, and in the living room bind them…

John has solved the Hodge Conjecture. The answer is banana. And for the proof, ask my monkey. Where’s my million bucks?

John is producing his own set of TV shows for T.L.C. network which include “American Tricycle”, “Say Yuck to the Tux”, and “John and Kate plus Hate”.

John dressed his cats up in little elf costumes and paraded them around the house singing little elf songs. Mysteriously, John’s shoes were ripped to shreds this morning when he woke up…

John is sitting in the library reading the phonebook. No spoilers please!

John is learning to translate english into feline. He finds it interesting that there is no meow for share…

John is entering the Wal-Mart with a Geiger counter, wearing a hazmat suit, and talking to the greeter: “What aisle are the Justin Bieber backpacks in?”…

John is writing a tell all exposé about the seedy underbelly of Dollar store price fixing…

John likes bargain bin canned meat with no label…

John is at the information desk at the mall. “Can you direct me to the offices for the Internet? I wish to complain…”

John is at the University receiving an honourary degree in Celsius…

John is passed out in the reindeer enclosure at the zoo, dressed in a Santa suit…

John is in the bathroom at the bus station, filling all of the soap dispensers with pancake syrup…

John is at the mall, in a speedo, swimming in one of the fountains…

John had brought a bunch of musicians together in a circle, to play a reoccurring composition. It started out fine, but without a conductor, the whole thing ended up being a cluster fugue…

John thinks that somebody has been putting Rogaine™ on his ears while he sleeps..

John is at the immigration office, asking if their Visa can earn him airmiles…

John is writing the fortunes that go in fortune cookies: “You will be taking leftovers for lunch tomorrow”, and “Your collection of little packs of soy sauce will grow”, and “You will be hungry again in one hour”, are some examples…

John is at the Safeway, putting stickers on the Coupon Books that say “Signed by the author”…

John has been diagnosed with stage 3 life…

John is cancelling the Playboy channel due to a sprained wrist…

John has created his own terrestrial land biome, and he shall call it the smelly place.

John is going door to door spreading the word of Chrysler, talking about the old car that got 3 miles per gallon and had rich Corinthian leather seats. He is recruiting people for the Cordoba Witnesses…

John is trying to sell raincoats in the desert…

John is skipping down the street while playing a banjo and singing Dafne by Jacopo Peri…

John is scrolling down people’s facebook pages and commenting on things from last year…

John is in the sports bar, switching all of the TVs to CPAC, and then breaking the remotes…

John is on the tennis court, by himself, flailing wildly with a Wii controller…

John thinks that when the recipe said “Step 3: add oil to the catfish and crawdads” this is not what they meant…

John is on the median of Portage avenue during rush hour, sitting on a toilet reading a newspaper…

John has posted signs at Assinaboine Park that say “This area now landmine free”….

John is at the trial of stupid vs dumb-ass, giving expert testimony…

John is at the museum, with a bucket of house paint, a big ol’ paint brush, and a t-shirt that reads “Provincial Censorship Council”.

John had installed a Tilt-a-Whirl in his basement, which is awesome, except now he has to feed the carney…

John is breaking into peoples houses and replacing all of the Tupperware lids with ones that don’t fit…

John has started a new day-care service based on the teachings of Yoda. Kids will run around a swamp with John strapped to their back, they will learn that Darth Vader’s face is the same as Mark Hamill’s, and any child who cannot lift an X-wing with their mind FAILS!

John is not pinin’! He’s passed on! He is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch he’d be pushing up the daisies! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! HE IS AN EX-PARROT!! (For Monty Python Day)

John is in the middle of redecorating, but he got his Feng Shui mixed up with his Wang Chung and now his living room looks like the set from a bad 80’s music video…

John and a friend were in Africa portaging their canoe. When they got to the waterway, they found an antelope in a toll booth. They offered the antelope a ten dollar bill, but the antelope said “No, it’s a twenty for our gnu’s channel”…

John gets his status update ideas from Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum Comics…

John will always follow the instructions on the package from now on, and not just assume that the soup can be cooked in the microwave, while still in the can.

John is in traffic court trying to bribe the judge with Canadian Tire money…

John is at an electronics store that sells “The Loudest Speakers On The Planet”. Unfortunately there is a huge line up that he has been in for three hours. I guess it goes without saying that this store sells by volume, not by wait.

John is at the food court in the mall making a fort out of the lunch trays…

John is following The Lawn Man™ fertilising truck on his bicycle, yelling into a megaphone “I just mowed my lawn! Stop Encouraging it to grow you bastards!!!”…

John has invented the cure for constipation. He just put 86 sub-woofers in his bathroom and played the soundtrack from Bladerunner through them…

John likes to mix the sweet with the savoury, so he’s stuffing a 16 pound turkey with a pound of butter and 2 cups of gummie bears…

John is using his time machine to go back and convince Noah to leave the Mosquitos behind with the Unicorns and the Dinosaurs….

John arrived at the Anchorage International Airport with a suitcase full of frozen dinners. When the customs officer asked him to state his purpose of visiting Alaska, John said “to cook these dinners”… “You came to Alaska to cook these?” “Yes, it says right in the instructions, ‘Prepare from a frozen state'”…

John has rewritten Norton Utilities™ so that it’s more judgemental. Now it returns messages like “It has been 2 weeks since you’ve emailed your mother” and “maybe you would have more Facebook friends if you changed your profile picture” and “You have too much Swedish Goat Porn on your hard-drive”…

John was thinking of upgrading all of his plumbing to solid gold, but then he realised that it was just a pipe dream….

John is playing Mailbox Baseball from his tricycle…

John knows one of the people who said “I’m a PC, and Windows 7 was my idea”… John is on his way to his house to punch him…

John has been told, by his doctor, that he has to stop masturbating. When he asked why, the doctor just said “because I’m trying to examine you”…

John is letting his Hummer idle in the driveway with the air conditioning on full blast, so that it’s just right for the drive down the block to the Earth Day celebration…

John thinks that the punishments should fit the crimes, especially when poetic justice rhymes…

John is at the laundromat, dropping a single sock into each washing machine…

John is in the corner Blockbuster Video, misquoting movies on purpose, just to make all the clerks nuts… “I could have been a conductor, I could have been somebody”… and “One Ring to fuel them all, One Ring to grind them, One Ring to bling them all, and in the shark dress, sign them” and “These are the voyages of the starship Jazzercise”…

John is in a blue unitard and a cape running down the street screaming “THE DEATH RAY IS ON OVERLOAD! THE DEATH RAY IS ON OVERLOAD!”

John is sitting on the bus reading a phone book and laughing uncontrollably… He will go through great lengths to keep people from sitting beside him…

John farted…

John is starting his own cable TV network that just shows TV programs that were cancelled after 1 episode. Featuring shows like “Heil Honey I’m Home! ” and “Commando Nanny” and “The Hillbilly Variety Hour”…

John became a fan of “That Gooey Stuff You Find In Toaster Strudels (But Only The Purple Stuff, The Red Stuff Gives Him The Runs)” and “Amish Breakdancers”…

John got caught at the dog pound sneaking in squeaky toys that have little files hidden in them…

John is eliminating a step, and baking the hashish directly into the Doritos™…

John is that guy who comes to a pot luck with a pack of saltines, a half container of Kentucky Fried Chicken Gravy, and a small Grape Slurpee….

John dropped off a female sheep to every police station in town, complete with a leash and a post to tie it off. That way the force will be with ewe always….

John is tired of the positive influence that TV is having on Douchebags. TV douchebags are not supposed to be misunderstood, or secretly nice, or the product of a bad experience…. TV Douchebags are just supposed to be Douchebags… and real life Douchebags are starting to think that they are misunderstood… NO!!! They’re Douchebags and they don’t break into song….

John didn’t understand the concept, and tried to rob a bank with a pair of wool tights over his head. After he tried to hold up the fire hydrant, he ran smack into a bus stop sign and knocked himself out…

John thought he had a good idea when he installed that stripper pole on his front lawn, but the only thing it attracted was racoons…. sexy racoons, but racoons none the less…

John is practising his audition for Puppetry of the Penis™, but so far the only one he can do is “Snake Carrying Luggage”.

John found his missing house keys in his beard..

John was in church listening to the gospel about the resurrection of Christ. At the end he stood up and yelled “THIS IS THE BEST ZOMBIE STORY EVER!!!!”

John is dressed in a rabbit costume with a shopping cart in the chocolate shop screaming “My normal supplier is out!!!! Fill me up!!!!”…

John is grateful that Jesus died for his overtime…

John is at the Apple store, covering the Apple logo with a Microsoft logo and telling all the customers that from now on all Macintosh computers will only run Windows 7…

John is at the library, replenishing the periodicals section with pornography and comic books…

John bought himself some skinny jeans and they don’t give him a muffin top. Instead he has 4 loaves of wonderbread, a dozen bagels and a pumpernickel…

John is in the Library, re-shelving Ann Coulter books into the Horror section…

John has hijacked the intercom at the Safeway and is singing the bus schedule for the number 18 bus to the tune of Celeste Aida… “Celeste Aida! Se quel guerrier, Io fossi! 3:32 at Corydon and Cambridge! se il mio sogno, this is a rest stop!”

John is claiming 27 garden gnomes as dependants, AND under the home renovation tax credit … (I don’t need no stinkin’ accountant)…

John is logging on to random facebook friend’s pages and loading pictures of sad clowns, dogs playing poker, and photos of lesser known Swedish authors…

John is at the post office with six garbage bags full of junk mail. “Do you have a return to sender rubber stamp that I could borrow?”

John is marching up and down his street singing “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” while wearing a shirt emblazoned with a bulls eye… He still feels safe because Ann Coulter is in the country and everyone with a gun is going to see her…

John turned on his computer and it told him he has Mallwear, but he looked in his closet and he doesn’t own a pair of Keds™ let alone any velour track suits…

John has a pair of tweezers and a jar of instant coffee, trying to pick out all of the Folgers Crystals™. I don’t know what a Folger is, but I certainly don’t want a crystallised one…

John was taught to never come to someone’s house empty handed, so he brought a bottle of scotch to an intervention…

John had a vampire mafia war killing on his farmville, which scored a bingo on a triple word score, after he put 13 more armies in Madagascar, and now it’s your turn…

John gave his Wii controller to his cat to play with, and now his cat has the all time high score in Guitar Hero…

John is at the drug store is and it’s lousy with hung over persons of Irish descent… (St. Patricks Day)

John just told his imaginary friend that he was imagining things….

John remembers when there were 4 seasons instead of the 8 that we have now (Fall, first winter, first spring, F*cking Cold, second winter, second spring, spring, F*cking Hot)…

John reminds everybody that what happens in Vegas, stays on YouTube…

John is posing as a Police officer and asking people “Where were you at 2:30 am last night? And don’t give me that Saskatchewan crap!”… (Daylight Savings Time)

John is testing his new theories. Pavlov’s Razor: Every time the bell rings, the beard grows… and Occam’s Dog which states that all things being equal, the dog will eat the bell…

John put up a sign outside the high school which reads “No Vampires”, and now the school is empty.

John brought home a box, a flask, some poison, a chunk of uranium, and a Geiger counter. John’s cats are very nervous…

John feels like partying! Time to pull out the 8-track player and the leisure suit!

John is at the Winners™ store, in the mall, looking at the clientele. Tsk, talk about false advertising…

John has blurred his reality with video games and is now riding a shopping cart down the street thinking he’s playing Mario Kart…

John has unrolled a red carpet in front of his house and is interviewing random passers by… (The Standard Poodle from up the street gave a great review of the fire hydrant…)

John is standing on a table in the food court at the mall singing the fourteenth act of his new Opera “Kohlrabi: The misunderstood German Turnip”…

John is standing on a table in the food court at the mall singing the fourteenth act of his new Opera “Kohlrabi: The misunderstood German Turnip”…

John is cleaning his Slap Chop™ with his Sham Wow™…

John is bored with his cat’s blog. “Today I chased a piece of tinfoil around the room, ate a bug, and slept for 16 hours. Tomorrow will be the same, but I’ll probably barf around noon”…

John is at the pet store, attempting Houdini’s “Chinese Water Trick”™ in one of the large aquariums at the back. The Coy Fish are not happy…

John is on the median of the Trans-Canada Highway with a hockey stick and a net yelling “CAR….. CAR….. CAR, CAR, CAR, CAR….. CAR…. VAN…. CAR…. SEMITRAILER…. CAR…”

John can’t write any more limericks on the bathroom wall because his poetic license has expired…

John is not happy to see you… that’s actually a banana in his pocket…

John is complaining to the clerk at the Blockbuster Video store. “I found this copy of Ishtar in your Previously Enjoyed Movies section”… “Yes sir. What about it?”… “Nobody enjoyed this movie”…

John has opened up a new bank for Christians called “Jesus Saves”…

John wonders why the Vancouver Olympic medals look like pennies that have been run over by a train?

John thinks that Crosby and Nash and the rest of the Canadian Hockey team will do much better now that they’ve added Stills…

John is a judge at the Aerial Skiing competition at the Olympics. “You call that a uni-tard! I’ve seen better skins on an onion! And why are you flipping over only twice? Betty Peterson’s son, Jaret, is doing four flips… Why can’t you be more like Jaret?”

John is responsible for the newest Olympic controversy about performance enhancers. Skeleton athletes will no longer be allowed to eat baked beans due to the propulsion flatulence that it creates…

John was very disappointed when he tuned into the short program figure skating…. there were no midgets…

John enjoys watching olympic curling. Now he can understand the words “Hurry” and “Hard” in a variety of languages. Scandinavian porn makes so much more sense now…

John is going down the olympic ski jump at Whistler on a crazy carpet…

John is at the Best Buy looking for season 3 of the Weather Channel on Blu-Ray…

John is increasing the level of difficulty in olympic figure skating by making the competitors play their own music while they skate. The girl from Latvia who picked pipe organ music will be interesting to watch…

John thinks that in order to be a sponsor for the olympics, the athletes should be required to use your product. This could make the events more interesting when Ski Jumpers have to swallow a random drug from Pfizer just before their jump, and speed skaters have to eat a Big Mac and large fries right before their race…

John was tired of just being a rank amateur… so he took a bath, and now he’s a sweet smelling pro…

John woke up to a Valentine benediction…. of eggs… Happy Chinese Valentine day…

John watched the Gilligan’s Island marathon last night, because he forgot there was something or other going on in Vancouver…

John is at the bank trying to invest his money in something that will bring him a high return… The bank clerk says I should just use the money to buy lottery tickets because the odds are better…

John thinks that many things on the internet are now passé, like twitter, facebook, wikipedia, fail blog, lolcats, youtube, and funny status updates…

John is randomly calling numbers in New Delhi asking them if they want a new low interest Credit Card from the Bank Of India…

John is at the emergency room screaming “I’M BLIND!!! I’M BLIND!!!! I WATCHED FOX NEWS AND NOW I’M BLIND!!!”…

John thinks there should be more commercials about the olympics…

John is at the bar watching the Superbowl and cheering for the team with the black and white striped jerseys… they’re so cool! They don’t wear helmets, they’re constantly talking to the crowd over a microphone about offensive things like holding and starting false, and they run around the field and throw their yellow handkerchiefs on the ground while blowing rape whistles…

John thinks that Safeway’s instant brown gravy is just like his mother used to make….. when she cooked up a……. brown…

John was in your office about an hour ago. I lowered your chair by an Inch, hid all the pencils, changed your voicemail password, and told your boss that you are responsible for that dent in his car…

John is adopting a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy with his cats… Nobody needs to know who is a feline and who is a canine… It will just make the time at the scratch post uncomfortable… and who knows which cat you can count on when the nip is down…

John is on the bus singing Wagner’s Die Walküre at the top of his lungs… but he can’t remember all of the words… Does it go “duh duh duh daaa duh, duh duh duh daaa duh, duh duh duh daaa duh, duh duh duh daaa?”

John will, from now on, only answer the phone in Haiku… “Hello, Yes I’m John. My long distance plan is fine. Please leave me alone.”

John is at the Kellogg’s head office with a box of All Bran™ talking to the customer service rep…. “How come this cereal has no prize in it?”…. “Sir, did you have a bowl?” “Yes, just now” “Then your prize will appear in about 4 hours…”

John is now friends with the squeegee kid at River and Osborne, the Bag Boy at the Safeway who puts the watermelon on top of his bread, and the woman ahead of him in line at the movie theatre concession stand who can’t make up her mind about which $47 popcorn value combo she wants….

John is losing a lot of money on his new business making the soles of shoes out of banana peels…

John has dingle berries… (This one happened when I left my computer on facebook at work).

John is at the McDonalds with a pallet of lard saying “we only have one pallet, so you may run out before today’s lunch rush”.

John thinks that the high levels of obesity in North America can be blamed solely on the Aztecs and their invention of High Fructose Maize Syrup…

John thought he was really cool because he knew what “Emo” meant… but it turns out it’s NOT a puppet from Sesame Street. Instead it’s some vampire thing with ripped jeans and poor hygiene….

John has invented emoticons for the elderly…. Get off my lawn >;;;;;;;;;:-{ Get me my pills >;;;;;;;;;:-{ This pablum is too sweet >;;;;;;;;;:-{ In my day we walked 32 miles in 14 feet of snow wearing nothing but yesterdays newspaper tied to our bodies and kleenex boxes for shoes and we LIKED it >;;;;;;;;;:-{

John is on the median on Portage avenue with a coffin and a shovel…

John is at the Best Buy, yelling at the clerk… “There’s something wrong with this iPod… it’s supposed to play a random song every time I shake it, but instead some little guy on my TV throws a bowling ball down a lane…” “Sir, that’s not an iPod… it’s a controller for a Wii…”

John was translating Homer’s “The Odyssey” from Greek, into Spanish, into Russian, back to Greek, into Swahili, then to Latin, and finally into English, and ended up with an exact copy of the St James Bible…

John is tired of -80C weather and shovelling millions of pounds of snow everyday for 20 hours a day! And to add insult to injury, he’s now being arrested by the hyperbole police…

John remembers when MTV was cool… yes… I’m very, very old…

John was writing an epic poem about an asshole who is a competitive fencing champion, but then somebody told him that touché and douche don’t rhyme, so forget about it…

John needs to know what kind of wine goes with hat, because the Jets won, and now he has to eat his…

John found out that “Bud Lime” is made from a vat of regular Bud, that has a handful of green jujubes thrown in…. (with thanks to Liz Kogan)

John is opening up a Fake Estate office…

John is regretting his decision to buy a hang glider at the dollar store…

John is always a bridesmaid…

John left his TV on FOX NEWS all day by accident, and now his cats don’t believe in universal veterinary care…

John is in line at airport security, pointing to some guy in the other security line, and yelling “Hey, Jim! HEY JIM!!!! IT’S ME… JBJ…. REMEMBER…. FROM AL QAEDA SCHOOL!!!”…

John is dressed as a veterinarian, chasing his cats around the living room, screaming “Time for your shots!”

John thinks that he is going shelve the idea of a wi-fi internet toaster for a later date when people are more understanding…

John thought that he was finally excited about something, turns out a pencil just fell into the front of his pants…

John left his computer open & logged in to facebook when he went to work. Now his wife has control of the keyboard…

John doesn’t like to be left out, so here goes… Blue with little white flowers and a yellow ribbon…

John replaced the bell on the bus with a cow moo…

John was just told by facebook to “re-connect with his wife and give her a poke”

John can still fit into the dress shirt he wore at his high school graduation. Of course when he exhaled all of the buttons shot off, broke through the living room window, and injured some poor passer by and his dog…

John can’t remember why we all thought that disco was a good idea…

John is getting on the bus dressed as a wampa and telling the driver “It’s a little too cold to walk to the tauntaun hunting grounds”…

John has broken his new years resolution, which was not to punch any mimes…

John is very happy he bought that new software from the nice man in the van… otherwise his computer might have exploded… something called Y2K something or other…

John has decided that his New Years resolution is 1920 x 1080… yup My life will now be offered on blu-ray with alternate camera view and a commentary track from my grade 8 gym teacher…

John found his top ten words, Doody, Stupidhead, Candy, Ikea, Floccinaucinihilipilification, Poo-head, Boobies, Doily, Sploit, Antidisestablishmentarianism.

John was told that the meaning of John is “Gift of God” and the meaning of Bent is “grass” and junior is “son of”. So I guess I am the son of divine marijuana…

John has cut off all the tags from the mattresses in the house and now every time he hears a police siren he hides in the closet…

John is choosing to ignore the warning and drink the hot beverage from the Starbucks right away…

John waited in line for 3 hours for the boxing day sale at the bank, but the sales were not all that great.

John didn’t find any presents under the tree this year, and both of his cats had red velour stuck in their teeth… Merry Christmas from the staff at JBJ Status Inc.

John is spelling things out on his roof in christmas lights. It says “Hey, Fat Boy!!! If you don’t have that 97 inch plasma TV in your sleigh, just keep flying…”

John wore his red shirt and red toque to the mall today. After many hours of shopping, he sat down on a bench to rest. Suddenly there was a kid on his lap asking him for the newest vampire action figure and a glee club activity center…

John is doing all of his christmas shopping this year at the 7-11…

John is teaching the 4 year old, in line waiting for Santa, to say “Yo! St Nick! Do you validate parking?”

John will only, from now on, respond to telemarketers in iambic pentameter.
I will never buy your stupid gizmo.
Your ancestors must be ashamed of you.
Turn back lest you become a shill for all,
and you embarrass your whole family.
So take your wares back to your factory.
My fingers grow tired of counting beats.

John is occupied by the ghost of a lawyer ninety percent of the time. It just proves that possession is nine-tenths of the law…

John is breaking into the main office at the mall and switching the christmas music cd with a cd entitled “Calls of the Western, Bucktoothed Wildebeest (Volume 2)”

John is at the Ikea™ trying to get a refund on a set of shelves… or as they call it ” Cåshßåch for yore fërnáture”…

John is watching the 6 year olds play hockey in the rink behind his house. They keep falling down, missing the puck, and haven’t scored a goal all season. Ahh, they could still beat the Leafs…

John is running down the aisles of the Toys R Us screaming “Santa is only giving out clothes this year!!!”

John is getting spam about spam…

John is installing a command start into Santa’s sleigh…

John thinks that the money he saved by tattooing the big ass screaming eagle on his own back, by himself, wasn’t worth it…

John thinks that the woman at the hardware store who said “Oh ya that goop works on everything” is just a caulk tease…

John might have to start listening to that little voice in his head that keeps saying “Hey!!! It’s cold in here! Put on a hat!!!”…

John found some old beer shampoo from the eighties…. but it had gone skunky…

John pulled his groin, pulling his groin…

John never knows what the polite way to talk to a tele-marketer is… is it “No… I’m not interested”… or is it “Go Away! Never call here again”… or is it “I’M GOING TO FIND YOU AND BASH YOUR HEAD IN WITH YOUR OWN PRODUCT!!! NO, YOUR COMPETITOR’S PRODUCT!!!”…

John should never have invented that time machine toilet…

John pulled out his suit from high school graduation and turned one of the lapels into a table cloth….

John is collecting mustard labels and putting them in a binder to show the relatives…

John speaks Klingon with a Vulcan accent…

John is playing tonsil hockey with the sex doll. The First Aid course teacher will be throwing out that CPR dummy….

John is at the Zellers talking to the clerk. “Could you direct me to the merkin aisle please?”

John is settling in with a big bowl of popcorn and the DVD of season 3 of The Weather Channel…

John didn’t get a fortune cookie at the end of his meal, so he sneaked into the back of the restaurant, to see what was up. There was just a big computer. On the screen was “End of fortune loop…… hit F6 to restart fortune loop……. Thank You…… Fortune #1: You will create a new bipedal race that will completely screw up your new planet. Today’s lottery numbers are 5 8 10 14 27 36″…

John has purchased the Coles Notes for Family Circus because he really wants to know what the hell Jeffy is all about…

John just saw a 5 year old girl racing down the sidewalk on her tricycle, talking on her cellphone.

John has just secured the lucrative coal contract with Santa…

John has written the ultimate TV series… “She’s a singer, he’s a Vampire, their love would transcend bad renditions of 80’s “hair band” tunes. This February, join us while we sing our hearts out…. for blood… “VAMPIRE GLEE CLUB”… followed by “SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SPARKLE”… only on FOX.

John is changing his name to Zanderbill Quick-Choam Bucketfuxer because he is tired of people making fun of his name.

John is thinking that “Jazz Hands” are now old and tired, so he’s now using “Disco Hands” to bring it up to date…

John is replacing his front lawn with a sprung parquet floor. This got rid of his slug problems, but now he has dancers….

John was at the Dairy Queen. When he got to the front of the line, he saw the young girl had a “Trainee” badge on. John then ordered a large “Loganberry Saturday hold the pickles”. Then proceeded to order an ice cream cake with only the use of mime. Then John saw the very large man with the “Trainer” badge on…. Doctor says John’s black eye should be gone in two weeks.

John has started selling his “Shatner fights The Gorn” playset just in time for Christmas. It includes rudimentary gunpowder ingredients, a large piece of bamboo, and Shatner 5000 girdle.

John is not a patient patient. Patience among patients is patently painted, in that a patient patient would put on a painted face while the impatient patient (like my friend Patience) would just have a pained face.

John is attaching a set of bagpipes to the exhaust stack on the bus…

John didn’t understand the instructions… so it looks like he won’t be getting 50 million dollars from publisher’s clearing house, but he will receive lifetime subscriptions to “Senior’s Sock Garters Quarterly”, “Proctologist’s Digest”, and “Teen Beat”…

John had invited a guest writer for his status update today, but Gore Vidal told him to go to hell….

John is writing a new tell all book about the seedy underbelly of gangland polka dance competitions… it’s called “Roll Out The Barrel or I’ll Put A Cap In Your Ass”.

John taught his cats how to use the can opener, but he didn’t teach them how to read. So they went through every single can in the kitchen until they found the tuna…

John is walking into the aquarium at the San Diego Zoo with a fishing rod and a tackle box…

John wood leek two sae sat jest bee caws ewe half a spiel shucker, dough’s knot mien sat watt ewe half rattan is dramatically carrot. Ewe steel half two no witch whirred ease zee write whirred two ewes. Eye dough knot sink sat jest Annie buddy shooed bee aloud two right they’re eye dee awes unloose say no watt there dewing.

John has decided that the combination recumbent stationary bike exercise machine with built in deep fryer and ice cream machine, may not have been the smartest of purchases…

John has invented a home furnace that runs off of a teenager’s sense of entitlement, and now it’s too goddamned hot in his house….

John hopes his new holiday “Give Presents to people whose name rhymes with Gone Gent Spoonior… day” catches on… the greeting card revenues alone are worth a fortune…

John finds that when the creative juices are flowing we can release a flood of ideas from our stream of consciousness and let the mind rain down into an ocean of thought… John has been arrested by the metaphor police.

John is spewing poetry over the intercom at the Safeway… *click* “Oh wobbly shopping cart, you break my heart, I can’t steer you straight, as I traverse aisle eight, and now I’ve turned into a cheddar display, and ruined the overpriced cheese trays. It’s like your wheels are full of glue. So, I’m abandoning you. Oh wobbly shopping cart……… HEY!!! LET GO OF ME!!!!! PUT ME DOWN YOU GREASY BAG BOY!!!!! *click*

John is at the zoo trying to feed the guy inside the ticket kiosk a carrot and yelling “TAKE A PICTURE OF ME FEEDING THIS HERE VARMENT…”

John wonders why Madonna and Justin’s song “We only got 4 minutes to save the world” is 7 minutes long…..

John puts his pants on just like everybody else does… by stretching them across a tree in the yard and jumping off the roof into them…

John is down at the Police Station talking to the on duty officer “Hey, I think the kids next door are stealing my morning paper. So I need you to use your super duper CSI computer to prove that they did it… turns out the CSI computer is actually some guy named Steve with a bunsen burner and a microscope….”

John has been cut from the Canadian Junior Hungry Hungry Hippo team because of Magnetic Marbles…

John is the Ghost Screamer “YOU ARE DEAD!!!! BUT YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH YOUR FAMILY!!!! I THINK THAT YOUR NEPHEW WILL BENEFIT GREATLY FROM KNOWING THAT YOU ARE THINKING OF HIM!!!! YES THEY STILL LOVE YOU!!! YES THEY……. WHAT?!!!! YOU’RE GETTING A HEADACHE AND WOULD RATHER GO BACK TO THE 9TH LAYER OF HELL?!!!!! OK BYE!!!!!!”

John knew it wasn’t a prestigious art gallery when he arrived at the “Wine and Cheese” event, only to find half a bottle of Baby Duck and a jar of Cheez Whiz with a spoon…..

John is at the public library, re-shelving all the Star Wars Novels under religious studies, and all the Bibles under Science Fiction / Fantasy…

John thinks that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll move to Fort McMurray to work on the oil rigs…

John had a dream that Darth Vader had been assimilated by the Borg while Starbuck watched, and the crew of Serenity was being chased by Borg Stormtroopers and Cylon Reavers, but it was too much for his brain, and and some geek leaked out of his ear…

John will be performing his 1 man show “Let in the Numa : The life and times of Gary Brolsma”…. Curtain is at 8 pm…. After party is at 8:02 pm…

John thinks that the bargain brand Alpha-Bits that only contains 1 letter, is just a box of Cheerios….

John is informing his american friends that we call “Canadian Bacon” just bacon… like we call our money just a “dollar” and our ginger ale just “Dry”…

John is applying a service charge to the bank every time they call him, every time their bank machines don’t work, and every time they try to sell him a credit card…

John is writing advertisements for hard to sell items… “Jimmy Dean’s Deep Fried Sausage…. for when you want your dreams to have that Clive Barker feel”…

John is rummaging through the lost and found box looking for his thirties….

John is growing a third arm so he can keep the Playboy open…

John is tempting the weather gods with doughnuts…. but my offering was an unglazed regular with a bite taken out of it….. so we’re gonna get a blizzard…

John is dressing up cats in chimpanzee costumes and selling them as helper monkeys to the drunks that come out of the bars at 3 am…

John is replacing all the signs at the University with signs that say “Thought Processing Plant”…

John is taking time to remember his ancestors… like his great, great, great, great, great uncle Timmy Bent who had a store selling 2 seat convertible horse drawn racing carriages with flames down the side, and very small cod pieces…

John is at the La Senza™, sitting in front of the mannequins with a fist full of singles screaming “Take It Off Baby!”…. Security is getting tired of dealing with him…

John slept through the rapture….

John is waking his cats up every 5 minutes and screaming FEED ME!!!!! and pawing at their faces…

John is on his front lawn in a turkey costume, with a sign that says “Free Jive Lessons”….

John has figured out the Colonels recipe with 12 herbs and spices, Chicken, Flour, Grease, Lard, Fat, Oil, Lard, Fat, Fat, Grease, Oil, Salt, and Pepper…. but he’s not sure if grease is an herb or a spice…

John is running rum into Saskatchewan…

John has been captured by Amish Extremists. They demand that everybody dispose of all their buttons, or they will shun a crowded area in a major metropolitan center. I have been treated well, but am tired of turnips… If their demands are not met, Jacob, their leader, will talk about you in this weeks sermon…

John is making his own running shoes out of old tires and couch material…

John forgot the combination to the safe where he keeps all his combinations….

John is confusing the squirrels by filling peanut shells with cement…

John is receiving an honorary degree from the Clown College…

John thinks he may have added too much bacon to the ice cream machine.

John is recruiting artists for his new experimental mime company in the line-up for the latest ultimate fighting match…

John is adding nitrous oxide to his lawn mower…

John is at the reception desk in the dentists office dressed as the Tooth Fairy™ talking to the secretary… “Hi, pick up for T. Fairy?”…

John is in charge of all the in-flight programming on Air Canada™ flights. 79 channels of Karaoke 24 hours a day…

John is building his own transit system that just goes where he likes it to go and costs a nickle…

John is at the Apple Store™ making cider… security is on their way.

John is getting on the bus wearing a snorkel, a life jacket, and a speedo, just in case of a water landing…

John thinks it was a bad idea to go grocery shopping late at night while drunk. He came home with 17 bags of potato chips and a stick of butter….

John just recieved his black belt as a guitar tech…… yes a black belt, just like in any other Marshall art…

John is reminding everyone about the first rule of comedy, “Walk funny and carry a big schtick”…

John is in the bar confusing the bartender… “Give me a Rotunda Water Feature, hold the eggplant….. no? Well how about a Burbank Carjack with a slice of turnip?”

John is changing the reception in his fillings over to digital…

John is starting his new job as a “7-11 genius™”, able to answer all your slurpee and deep fried dough questions.

John forgot how to use the pedal-driven, human-powered vehicle, but then he remembered it was like riding a bike..

John is cooking with love….. he should have cooked with an oven.

John thinks that his per-diem is more than ample, but his beer-diem is sadly lacking…

John is in the potato chip aisle at the Safeway looking at the ingredients and screaming “I have to eat the whole bag to get my daily recommended intake of fat? There has to be an easier way to get my fat intake. Where is the lard isle?”

John is proud to be a swimsuit model for the new Mayan calendar to be released in December 2012….

John is tired of being mistaken for George Clooney…

John is at the front of the bus saying “the first person who says hello to me gets this one hundred dollar bill”… then he noticed that everybody had white ear-buds, so nobody could hear him…

John is in the “Le Château” talking to the clerk “There are no umlauts in your “Fashion Accents” section…. She stares at him… blinks… then says “Let me check in the back for you”…

John is playing a game of inches with a metric ruler…

John is entering the Kentucky Derby with a 4 year old donkey named Giuseppe…

John got himself a half a bottle of expired Aspirin, a box of Hello Kitty™ band-aids, and a book entitled “Complex Surgical Procedures for Dummies”… gonna open one kick ass medical clinic in the mall.

John is at the post office with a package, asking for 1080 1 cent stamps.

John is marketing food in cans under the brand name “Whoop Ass”… Now everyone can open one…

John would like to wish a Happy Labour day to all those expecting mothers out there… yup…. 24 hours of Labour day…

John just read the Qur’an in a new translation by Donald Rumsfeld. Actually it’s the King James Bible with the word bible crossed out and the word “KURANN” written in crayon…

John is wearing pasties, but the dough is chaffing his nipples…

John can safely say that the wasp trap from the Home Depot doesn’t work… placed it outside the Olive Garden™ and they all just walked past it, didn’t catch a single one…

John is ignoring the mythbusters, and trying “it” at home…. now… all I need is a cement truck and 850 pounds of C4.

John is returning “Cooking for Dummies” to the bookstore…. turns out all the people he cooks for are quite smart so he doesn’t need it…

John is at the Safeway in the yogurt aisle asking the clerk ” Do you have any amaturbiotic yogurt? I’m not ready to go pro just yet”…. Pretty soon, John won’t be allowed in the Safeway anymore…

John is selling dime-bags of catnip down at the SPCA…

John brought a caulking gun to an NRA meeting…

John is at the ballet recital with a megaphone giving a play by play… “THAT’S THE SWAN MAIDEN, PRINCESS ODETTE. AN EVIL SORCERER, VON ROTHBART, CAPTURED HER AND USED HIS MAGIC TO TURN HER INTO A SWAN BY DAY AND WOMAN BY NIGHT”…

John is stealing copper wire off of the telephone poles, taking it home, and counterfeiting pennies…

John found his old Rubik’s Cube™, and now there’s some Pinhead guy in his living room screaming “We have such sights to show you!”……

John is standing on the median on Portage Avenue with a sign that says “Honk if your horn doesn’t work”…..

John is on the roof of his house with a fishing rod, waiting for his neighbour to put that T-Bone on the Grill…

John is losing money on his new business venture… habanero Toilet Paper…

John is getting into the elevator wearing a blue spandex suit, a set of goggles, and a parachute and asking “Could you hit the button for the top floor please?”…

John ordered room service, took a walking tour of the gardens, made fun of the chamber maid, and ordered lobster thermidor in the hotel resteraunt…. I love Stay-Cation…

John bought a new electronic converter, in the hopes of changing imperial to metric, but instead, it just tries to make him believe in Electric Jesus…

John is blowing out the candles in his turnip mush…

John has reached saturation point. Stupid name for a town, but great museums…

John ordered a pizza from the joint around the corner, when the guy asked “And how will you be paying for that this evening?” John replied “Sexual Favours…”

John is approaching random people on the street and saying “Wanna Wrestle?”

John is at the Home Depot with a shopping cart filled with 7 Aluminium Garbage Cans and a spool of 10-S steel chain and is asking the clerk “Where’s the change room?”…

John is at the airport with a really big ladder, putting parking tickets on airplane windshields…

John has let loose 422 German Shepherds into a tennis ball factory…

John has finished programming his new word processor add on. In the spirit of the Spell Checker, I will introduce the “Idea Checker™”. When you write your document, just hit “Idea Check™” and it will check all your ideas and return with responses like “That’s a great Idea!”, or “That’s a pretty mediocre idea, don’t ya think?”, or “Jesus Christ! You are a complete moron!”.

John is at the Toys R Us mixing up all the action figures. Now GI Joe has a Lightsaber, Barbie has the Kung Fu Grip, and Darth Vader is enjoying his pink summer cottage, with walk in closet full of the latest fashions.

John is in the “10 items or less line” with a shopping cart of 284 cans of Chef Boyardee pasta goo, and telling the cashier “Get the manager, I need a ruling”…

John is smuggling poetry anthologies into Frat houses…

John thinks he just saw a Jawa trade a “Firefly” trading card for a “Battlestar Galactica” action figure, with a Ferengi…

John is entering the Wal-Mart with his seeing eye Iguana…

John left the top off of the catnip container and the cats ate it all. John is now out of Doritos™…

John is remembering 9 years ago, there was a small earthquake in Alliance Ohio, The Prime Minister of Japan attended an Hiroshima memorial service, Pearl Jam recorded a live performance of “Spin the Black Circle” in Greensboro North Carolina, and some Crazy woman said Yes and made him the happiest guy in the world… (Wedding Aniversary)

John has built himself a Large Hadron Collider in his basement because he’s tired of smashing particles with a sledgehammer…

John is applying for a patent for his “reverse telephone laser beam tele-marketer destroyer”…

John is introducing “Full House” re-runs to North Korea…

John is auditioning throat singers for his new speed metal band… “Inuit Donkey Molesters”

John is in middle earth, selling foot hair wax to hobbits…

John is writing new Sheriff Lobo scripts in the hopes that it will come back to TV…… SHUT UP….. SHUT UP!!!! YOU DON’T KNOW!!!!

John is calculating his carbon footprint on a computer that runs off of coal…

John is making a grilled cheese sandwich using a defibrillator….. CLEAR!!!

John has written a new book for young agnostic physicists entitled “Are you there Higgs boson? It’s me, Thomas Henry Huxley”…

John is at the University, giving a lecture on the benefits of marijuana. Attendance is high….

John is making shakespeare more accessible by adding a car chase to King Lear, a sex scene to Henry V, a dance montage to Measure for Measure, and a happy ending to Titus Andronicus…… (Happy Last Fringe Day Everybody)..

John has started a revolution in telemarketing, instead of courtesy calls, you will start to receive rude calls… “BUY YOUR LONG DISTANCE FROM ME OR I’LL BREAK YOUR ARM!!!!”……………. how rude……

John is in the La Senza sitting in a lawn chair staring at the mannequins…

John is in the operating room with the brain surgeon screaming “COME ON PEOPLE!!!! THIS ISN’T THEATRE!!!”…..

John is installing fire hoses in all the showers at the Holiday Inn…

John fell asleep listening to his inner monologue…. now I’ll never know how the story of the 3 naked cheerleaders ends….

John was confused. He brought 4 bags of taco chips to Salsa lessons…

John is wandering around the mall in nothing but a housecoat and fuzzy slippers….

John bought himself a gas chromatograph just so he could fart into it all day long..

John is disappointed. He thought the Vagina Monologues was a ventriloquism act…

John is at the safeway, pushing a shopping cart filled with 273 bottles of ketchup screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ISLE ARE THE FRENCH FRIES IN?”…

John is drawing chalk outlines of 9 gazelles and a 16 lions, amidst 136 bullet casings in parking lot at the zoo

John is tired of trimming his nose hairs, so he’s snorting a couple of lines of Nair™…

John is at the pharmacy talking to the pharmacist. “I’m planning on smuggling a lot of stuff over the border, so I’m gonna need the 3 gallon bucket of personal lubricant”…

John has invented a new beer can. When the mountains turn blue, the beer tastes good… Coors has rejected the idea as an impossibility…

John is skeet shooting in the public library…

John has given into peer pressure and is buying the ultra suede jacket for his Hanna Montana action figure….

John is increasing the value of his home by adding a water feature…… well, actually he forgot his garden hose was on….. for a week…..

John had a tough time getting up this morning due to stiffness…… in his arteries….

John is the guy dropping the dandelion seeds from the plane…

John caught himself in the fly of his pants…. which is amazing since it’s a button fly.

John is walking across the Canada/U.S. border in nothing but a speedo stuffed with a 6 pound zucchini saying… “I have nothing to declare”.

John wishes that grapes tasted like grape flavouring…

John got Canada a present… a trip for two to the Bahamas…. Then Canada turned around and invited the USA to go with him……. THAT WAS SUPPOSED BE OUR TRIP!!!!!

John is scraping the glow-in-the-dark paint off of 14568 Timex watches so he can make his own nuclear reactor, have a meltdown, and start nuclear winter in his kitchen…

John has started the 100 mile food challenge, and from now on he will only order pizza from a Pizza Hut that is 100 miles away…. The cheese in Brandon is weird….

John is watching the Michael Jackson tribute on the Weather Network…

John is marketing a Hannah Montana diaphragm case…

John has bowled his age…

John is that guy in the elevator who sniffs your hair…

John is weeding his front lawn with a fire hose….. technically he’s mowing his lawn too….

John just bought a new Finish Nailer from Canadian Tire, but is not sure why he needs a nail gun from Finland…

John has instituted a trade embargo against Munchkin-Land…

John is reading the sex education guide from the Swedish school system. “Insert shaft A into orifice B, remove shaft A from orifice B, insert shaft A into orifice B, remove shaft A from orifice B…”. The guide is sponsored by IKEA….

John is on the golf course, building castles in the sand traps…

John is inventing new cocktails for the carnival circuit… Deep Fried Mars Bar Martini, Cotton Candy Julep, Kettle Corn Margarita, and Corn Dog Daiquiri….

John has set up a card table on his front lawn, put on a suit, and is reading the community newspaper over a megaphone at 5:30 am…

John is selling ad space for escort services in the church bulletin…..

John is teaching a class at the community college in Spandau Ballet…..

John did “The Boys In The Photograph” with Ben Elton, who did “Blackadder” with Stephen Fry, who did “The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” with Sam Rockwell, who did “Frost/Nixon” with……… KEVIN BACON!!!!!

John is rolling bowling balls down the escaltor at the mall…

John has started a Rototilling company, that just buries 30 pounds of C4 in your garden and presses a big red button…

John has invented a new weight loss program. It involves standing in an open field, spreading 19 cans of tuna all over your body, and releasing 4 Siberian Tigers…….. now……. RUN!!!!!!! (payment required in advance).

John now realises that duct tape and nipple tape are not interchangeable…

John is buying up all the land around the golf course to start a dandelion farm…..

John is at the checkout at the Canadian Tire with 4 large bags of horse manure and asking the checkout girl for a gift enclosure…

John has written a fable about a group of Normans from the 9th Century who travel to Greece to marvel at the architecture and end up living in one of the temples. I call it the 4 Norsemen of the Acropolis.

John has got his silk bits caught in his pink bits…

John is at the end of his rope… which isn’t good, because it was supposed to be tied off to the cliff that he’s currently falling from…

John is cutting off his beard, and selling it off to make merkins for the chinese….

John is at the mall, sitting at a table in the food court, torturing a potato by eating fries in front of it and screaming “TELL ME WHEN THE INVASION IS OR I EAT YOUR AUNTIE!”…. John fits right in at the food court…

John wonders why the professor could build a radio from a coconut, a stationary bamboo bicycle that powered the island, and a time machine made from some pebbles and the Skipper’s hat, but he couldn’t fix the hole in the boat…..

John has opened a new vegan restaurant and called it “The Cow Tongue Cafe”…. not a lot of business…

John is trying to figure out what is worse for you, a pint of Ice Cream, or a pint of beer…… ah screw it…… I’m having a float……

John thinks that life is interesting, one day you’re mixing a show for the most powerful man in english theatre, the next day you’re playing a scratched up, skipping version of Britney Spear’s “Toxic”, so a group of nine year old girls in fishnet stockings can dance ballet to it…

John thinks Archie Andrews should become a Mormon, then he could marry both Betty AND Veronica….

John has made a decision. From now on he will sign all of his important documents with a spirograph…

John is in his basement, knitting himself a new trampoline…

John is dreaming of a day when all the world’s people get along and there are no wars…. then they can concentrate on writing something decent to put on the TV….

John has a new lease on life, which came with 5 years parts and labour and this keen anti-rust undercoating….

John is driving into work today on his Big Wheel™…

John is at the Dim Sum restaurant waiting for the “Chicken Feet Cart” to come by so he can say “mmmmmmm……… what’s in that…….. mmmmmm………. is it from a chicken or a rooster?………….. No a rooster…. a ROO-STER?……. mmmm…….. I’ll pass…… do you know when the “Peanut Butter an Jelly on Wonder Bread Cart might be coming around?

John has started a scientific trial studying the effects of Bar-B-Cue on middle aged men living at my house….. anything for science…

John has cleaned his curling rocks and is now putting them in the clothes dryer…

John is at the high stakes blackjack table yelling at the dealer “GO FISH!”….

John is building a windmill in his backyard so he can make his own flour…

John has started a “K-Tel Mini Pop Kids” cover band…

John planted a herb garden, but it got hit by frost, and almost everything died, so now he has nothing but thyme on his hands…

John thought that he had an original idea, I dance around my backyard singing about the New York Jets and their new Quarterback Maria, turns out it’s just a twist on West Side Story.

John is standing in the middle of a 6 lane highway, staring at his GPS and screaming “THERE IS NO McDONALDS HERE!”…

John is dressed in a gorilla suit conducting the orchestra with a banana. The string section fainted, the woodwinds laughed, and the percussionist didn’t notice…

John needs that fifth piece of cherry pie like he needs a hole in the head…………………. John Bent Jr. is at the salon getting his ear pierced because HE NEEDS PIE!!!!!!

John is behind the meat counter at the Safeway putting a watermelon through the meat slicer….

John is at the information desk at the mall, pulling a twenty out of his pocket and saying “Give me 2 solved equations and the capital cities of Africa in alphabetical order”….

John is at the front of the bus announcing all the street names in Klingon… (qaSpa’ puH Sor’a’ DaH puH Daq bIQtIQ ‘ej Osborne Village)…

John does not recommend the mothers day brunch at the Canadian Tire Cafeteria…..

John is mowing his lawn, in the snow……. So he’s wearing snow pants and a bikini top…

John opened his new delicatessen that serves pork products in erotic shapes… (Bacon Boobs, Jerky Junk, Prosciutto Posteriors)

John is running down the street in a green jump-suit with a cape and a mask, screaming “Stop that invisible man!!! He has the doomsday device!!!”…

John driving a combine through a carwash…

John has created a new line of diner plates that feature pictures of unnecessary surgery and marketing them as a weight loss tool…

John is building a discotheque for the amish…

John is on a plane, playing “Marco Polo!” with somebody 16 rows away…

John is cutting up square pieces of substandard velvet and selling them as shammies under the brand name “Sham-Meh”…

John has opened a new store in the mall, simply called “Wood”. The back room is full of old christmas trees…

John thinks he may have the swine flu because his breath smells like bacon…

John applied for belly dancing lessons, but was rejected because he is over qualified….. by about 80 pounds……

John doesn’t understand. Depression, Rage, Soul-crushing Debt, War, Famine, Pestilence, American Idol ….. all because some woman listened to a snake and took a bite out of an apple… So….. Apple bad?

John is inventing his own geographical slurs….. like a Nanaimo-bimbo, Saskatoon-goon, and that guy from Red Deer.

John has a coupon for 15% off a coffin when you cremate or bury a person of equal or lesser value…….

John is at the security desk at the mall, dressed in a tutu, a tiara, and a pair of rubber boots, telling the mall cop “there’s a weird guy in the food court, and he’s bugging me”….

John has used hypnosis therapy to find his sense of being, his ultimate purpose, his Raison d’être. Turns out that whenever somebody counts to three, I think I’m a chicken…

John would like his phone call now…

John has taken the “which top five facebook friends will kick the crap out of you if you send them another top five quiz” quiz…..

John misunderstood…. he is in Hawaii at something called the “Ironman Triathlon”, dressed in a red jump-suit, with a rubber mask, a tub of popcorn and a Black Sabbath CD…

John is in his basement building a model railroad in 1/24th scale (which he thinks means 24 inches for every foot)…. That’s a big damn caboose…

John is drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels in the line up at the DMV…

John is a square peg in a round hole…… and here comes the sledgehammer….

John has joined the Moose Jaw symphony as the 3rd Casio chair….

John ate an entire box of Bran Flakes…….. and now his toilet is broken…

John is freeze drying mineral water….

John understood the concept of the universal expansion theory, but his brain oozed out his ear, and now he only cares about Nickleback….

John is showering in the fountain at the mall….

John is at the church in a roman centurion uniform asking the priest, “where do you want all this wood?”…. (Good Friday)

John thinks he just saw Obama walk across water….

John is at the bus stop with some construction paper, a box of crayolas, and a set of safety scissors, making his own bus passes and selling them to the dutch….

John bought a box of adult diapers at the Ikea™, they’re called “Pøøpin Pahnts”…… comes with an extra hex key….

John has to run out to the Safeway because his recipe for disaster calls for two cups of pine nuts….

John has started his own porn website just for women…. 24 hours of men washing the dishes, doing the laundry, and talking about their feelings…. $6.95/min…..

John in the checkout line at the Safeway with 2864 individual grapes, each in it’s own bag…

John is running amok……. stupid name for a doberman…

John has started his own speciality cable channel called “Hillbilly Obese Guy” channel or HOG…….. 24 hours of Roadkill cooking, broken up by the occasional NASCAR race…..

John was told not to get his “Panties in a Knot”, and yet here he is with a sheepshank in his thong…

John is thinking the Red River answered the question “Come Hell or High Water?”…

John is renegotiating his mortgage through the use of interpretative dance….

John is ordering a pint of beer…. served in 16 shot glasses….

John is at the Taxidermist talking to the guy behind the desk, “Here are all my T4 slips, and a shoe box of receipts. When can I expect my refund?”…

John is in the Canadian Imperial Bank Of Commerce asking why they haven’t gone to metric yet….

John is at the free clinic hoping to get a referral to a Pugilist, because his puge hurts. Then the nurse punched him. Now he needs a Headilist….

John wrote a Java Script. It’s called “The Life and Times of Juan Valdez”…

John cheated on his eye exam, he got a 20 out of 20…

John is breaking into Office Towers and replacing all the microwaves with Easy Bake Ovens…

John took the quiz “What city would you’re high IQ Star Trek character eat a doughnut in”…. The answer was “Chekov had a Bear Claw in Sioux St, Marie”…

John was going to report his identity had been stolen, but some guy came by to return it, and then had the gall to ask for a refund… I gave him a nickel…

John thought that a “Brothel” was a restaurant that just served soup….. John would like to extend his apologies to the Navy officers on shore leave…

John found that “co-dependent” is defined as “two entities that rely on one another, creating a symbiotic relationship”…. John is claiming his TV on his taxes…

John is breaking into people’s houses and stealing all the remotes…..

John is selling twinkies and bags of pork rinds in the cardiologist’s waiting room…

John is at the bookstore sitting behind a table surrounded by 1300 phone books and a sign that says “Meet the Author”…

John can’t understand why all his dreams end with a creepy King beating up a clown… to get his mind off of it, he’ll eat a Big Mac inside a Burger King restaurant.

John has a tip. If you’re gonna light your farts on fire, you might wanna consider shaving your butt first….

John has welcomed Jesus into his home, and now there’s 1000 loaves of wonder bread on the counter, and the freezer is full of mackerel…

John has invented a product, in the spirit of Aunt Jemima’s syrup and Uncle Ben’s rice. It’s called Mr. Smiths Uptight White Bread…

John has a staph infection. But due to the economic slowdown, he can only afford a part time staph with no benefits….

John is infecting rhesus monkeys with peanut butter and chocolate…

John is at the safeway screaming into his GPS unit… “WHERE ARE THE PICKLES!!!???”…

John has converted his basement into a customer service center for Air Canada and staffed it with rude Scotsmen. “AAAGG! I DUNNA KNOW WHERE YER LUGGAGE IS!”

John has invested all of his money into “Earplug Stocks” just before he made his triumphant return to the music world. Gonna make a fortune…

John doesn’t need a watch, he just takes a Viagra™ in the morning, and when it wears off, he knows it’s lunch.

John is popping 11 pounds of popcorn in his clothes dryer…

John is changing his name to “Obama” and entering into the local by-election…

John has googled himself so many times, that he’s now blind….

John has started a new ad campaign for Flinstone Brand Chewable Vitamins….. “BAM BAM CURES GOUT!!!!”

John has placed a plastic cup full of quarters, and leaned a stool against the ATM at the bank….

John has started a newscast in his basement utilising a metal salad bowl as a satellite dish and a carrot for a microphone… it’s still more credible than fox news.

John is at the University, in the Liguistics department, learning how to translate all of the Ancient Klingon documents, into Modern Cylon….

John took a couple of Viagra™, and now he has his own stimulus package…

John is standing on the side of the road handing out Dasani bottles filled with vinegar to the marathon runners…

John is marketing leisure suits for monkeys…

John is watching Mickey Rourke walk down the red carpet in his original JBJ Tuxedo complete with gravy stains on the tie and expandable cummerbund…

John has entered the drug store in a VERY short skirt with a thong and is asking the clerk “where do you keep your bikini wax?”

John is marketing 3/4 inch wood screws, individually wrapped in 6 inch square blister packs, for use in old growth lumber… Buy 3 and get a hunk of lead free…

John is sick of teenagers breaking into his shed, so instead of a lock on the door, he’s installing a brassiere clasp, because no teenaged boy can get past that…

John has figured out how much wood a wood chuck would chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood…… the answer is seven….

John is reaching for the stars…. and now there is a restraining order….

John is at the pet store licking the frogs and screaming “I CAN SEE THROUGH TIME!!!!”

John has a great recipe for Blackberry Crumble, all you need is a sledge hammer and a cell phone store…

John is running down the street in a diaper shooting people with a bow and arrow because someone called him stupid and he thought they said cupid…

John has been disqualified from the air guitar contest because a string broke and he couldn’t continue…

John has started a new business called “The Male Enhancement Centre”…… it’s just a store full of bins of socks…

John is at the Apple™ store uploading 36 hours of Throat Singing to all the iPods…

John is trying to touch his elbows behind his back, and all the guys at work are saying “NO… WE DIDN’T MEAN YOU!!!! EEWWW!!!”…

John caught a nasty cold over night waiting for the guy who played “Lobot” from Star Wars to sign autographs… Just goes to show ya, The Early Nerd Gets The Germs..

John is taking the corresponding correspondence course in the corresponding correspondence…

John has tasted the forbidden fruit and now he’s gonna make some jam…

John wants to recognise his luggage when it is on the carousel at the airport, so he’s tying a cinder block to his suitcase with aircraft cable…

John doesn’t understand all the controversy about “Youth In Asia”…..

John has invented a new food item in the spirit of the “Turducken”…. It’s called the “Pizza-ger-dog”…

John is playing texas hold’em using tarot cards… he needs the “High Priestess” or the four of pentacles at the river…

John is watching the groundhog freeze to death….

John is enjoying the very detailed pre game show. They just showed Ben Roethlisberger’s latest colonostamy pictures, and a piece on Larry Fitzgerald’s hair gel…

John is rotating the tires, free of charge, without being asked, while people are in line at the Drive Thru for the Tim Hortons…

John has been rejected by the Snapple™ Beverage Corporation for his idea for a new fruit juice… ipecac and guava…

John is refusing to give directions to the man from out of town, because it has always been my policy not to negotiate with tourists….

John is filling his blue recycling bin with empty whipped cream dispensers and condom wrappers, just to see the look on the garbage man’s face…

John was ordered by his doctor to lose 10 pounds, so he trimmed his beard…

John is hanging out with the youngsters. When they say the phrase “Back In The Day” they mean 2005….

John has finally unwrapped his olympic gold medal (jumping jacks), but the chocolate wasn’t very good….

John is smuggling in Saskatchewan Blood Diamonds, and that is why he’s walking kind of funny…..

John is at the pet store, teaching all the parrots to say “Break me outta this place and I’ll totally make it worth your while”…

John has a new job. He’s handing out flyers about fire safety, at the dog park, dressed as a fire hydrant. The only drawback is that his shoes are always wet…

John is at the tattoo parlour, getting washboard abs tattooed on his belly…… that’s a whole lotta washboard……

John would like to wish Commander Obama “Good Luck” leading a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest for a shining planet-known as Earth. Watch out for them Cylons.

John is trying a variation on a recipe… Beer Keg Turkey….. take a Keg of beer, insert it into the Turkey, and build a fire around it…. what can go wrong?

John has some advice for new lawyers, never turn down your first case, because an attorney of a thousand trials begins with a single schlep…

John is catholic…. and for catholics, masturbation is a mortal sin…….. so John made a voodoo doll of himself….. and some very small kleenex…

John wants to know who it was that asked him “A penny for your thoughts?” two years ago. Because I put them in my status updates and now you owe me $7.36…

John is trying some new sponsorship campaigns: Dexter (Sponsored by Ginsu Knifes) and America’s Biggest Loser (Sponsored by Jimmy Dean’s Sausages)…

John is running for President of the “Hollandaise is an acceptable condiment for Hot Dogs Club of Eastern Estivan”….. currently John will get in by acclamation….

John wrote a new book about a “way cool” street performer who devotes her life to conserving the forests of Canada. It’s called “A Bitchin’ Mime Saves Pine”…

John doesn’t understand the instructions, do I tear the dough along the perforations? Or should I just throw the whole tube in the microwave?

John is taking his tricycle to spin class…

John has invented his own video game called “Cowbell Hero: Legends of Folk”…

John is installing Wii video games into the entertainment systems in the back of mini-vans. Nothing like a group of kids playing Wii bowling in the back of the van..

John ate the blue pill, because the skin tight rubber pants they wear in the Matrix, chafe in places he doesn’t need to mention….

John had his 12 meatless dishes last night including, Kutya, Borshch, Holubtsi, Varenyky, Kapusta, Pompushky, and chicken mcnuggets. no! there is no meat in Kapusta.

John is repainting the dotted lines on the highway in black paint….

John is laying down the music tracks for the new porno movies “The Day The Earth Stood Stiff” and “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Beaver”…. Thinking of using Opera..

John has started a paintball capture the flag game inside the airport… me against all the security guards…

John is at the butcher yelling “Atkins Rules!!! Give me 45 pounds of ground chuck and a spoon!!!!”…

John was petting a water buffalo when it spit at him, so he shot it and made it into a coat. Just goes to show ya, if the Gnu Spits, Wear It….

John rang in the new year……….. and now he has Tinnitus…..

John is making his new years resolutions which include never wrestling a Kangaroo, and quitting electro-shock therapy at the free clinic..

John is giving hats made of frozen water to his Polish friends. Through this research he can understand global warming, by watching the Ice Caps Melt at the Poles…

John is trying to sleep, but the cats are trying to get the open can of tuna out of John’s pyjamas…

John noticed that the “Safety Equipment Must Be Worn Past This Point” sign has fine print at the bottom, “If You Don’t Have A Jock Strap, One Will Provided For You”.

John is on the bus with a pair of white earbuds plugged into potato telling everyone “Santa Brought Me a new iSpud!”….

John is lining up at the gas station in anticipation of the ESSO Boxing Day Sale……..

John heard that Santa Claus is omnipotent, so John is putting out some Viagra with the milk and cookies…

John is running into the Toys R Us Screaming “SANTA IS SNOWED IN….. HE MIGHT NOT MAKE IT THIS YEAR!!!”

John fell asleep on the side of a hill, he woke up on his back on a sled. Just goes to show ya. You snooze, You Luge….

John is clearing the sidewalks by telling all the neighbourhood children that there is candy on the sidewalk under all that snow…

John is making huge letters in the snow on the roof of his house. It reads “Santa, take me off the naughty list, or you’ll never see Blitzen again”…..

John is thankful that in these hard financial times, it’s good to know that laughter still sells at parody….

John is very cultured…. when he writes his name in the snow, it’s in calligraphy. But he does have to drink 9 cans of coca cola to make it work….

John is at the mall with a pile of old newspapers, sixteen rolls of duct tape, and a sign that says “Free Gift Wrapping”….

John is raising funds to send a baseball pitching coach to Iraq to teach them to throw shoes more accurately…..

John is yelling “Author! Author!” during the curtain call for “Taming of The Shrew”….

John is teasing the Tigers at the zoo by dangling a fake gazelle off of a bungie cord…

John misunderstood. He thought “WTF” stood for Wow That’s Funny…. so he texted back “TABOOMA” (Thanks A Bunch. Only Original Memorable Anecdotes)…..

John is selling freezers door to door in Antartica…

John has ordered the extra large chicken breast dinner at “Hooters™”. He doesn’t recommend it. Too much silicon.

John tried on some women’s underwear as a joke, and now he can’t get them off…. so he’s drinking a bottle of Lemon Gin….

John is a bad influence… he has told the children next door to tell their mom that they have prorogued bedtime…

John is in the line-up to see Santa Claus, dressed as the Easter Bunny….

John is just another Emo, riding an Emu, listening to Enya, while receiving an Enema…

John is using a breast pump to suck the pimentos out of the olives…

John is at the Laundromat putting 400 golf balls into a dryer, welding the door shut, and holding up a loonie while yelling ALL RIGHT, WHO STOLE MY FABRIC SOFTENER!

John just saw commander Spock… but he had a beard… so I know that this recession doesn’t exist in my universe… gotta get back and update my status on Assbook.

John is carving barn yard animals out of wood, stuffing them into tubers, and selling them to Amish children under the brand name “Kinder Potato™”…

John is asking the nice lady at the Tim Horton’s™ “Are the Day Old Doughnuts Fresh?”

John wonders if the good people of Azerbaijan have actually heard of “Tony Roma’s World Famous Onion Loaf”®…

John has started an antigun violence program in Israel, where christians will come and clean your home if you give up your firearm. It’s called goys for guns…

John has had the salt and pepper drapes for ages, but now the carpet has finally arrived…

John tried to use an octopus for a dishwasher, but it didn’t work like the Flintstones. John will never believe TV again…

John would like to wish all his American Friends a “Happy Thanksgiving”, and all his Scientology Friends “Happy Xenu Day. May your thetans be full of floojams”…

John is grateful that what happens in Brandon, stays in Brandon… What? It doesn’t? Oh… John needs a lawyer who specialises in bovine crime….

John has produced a number of public service announcements against sex with superheroes. “There’s only one letter between Heroes and Herpes…”

John is auditioning for a spot as a host on “The View”… I think Whoopi likes me, but Barbara thinks I’m a “Wascal”…

John is washing his car using bottled water…

John has invented a new video game especially for the bathroom. it’s called “Call of Doody: Battle for Flushing Meadows”….

John is at the drug store in the prophylactic aisle asking the clerk “where’s your fitting room?”

John haz broaken hiz spel chekar andd duzint noh haow tu tern et bak awn…..

John has a new hummer that runs on geothermal energy…

John has burned his hands trying to forge ahead…

John wants to apologise to his Russian friends… he was sure that it was called the hammer and pickle…

John is now a member of the International Brotherhood of “Before” Models. See his NutraSystem ad in this months issue of Tiger Beat…

John has been eating a lot more fibre which has increased his output excrementally…

John didn’t study for his hearing test…

John is phishing on the internet, but it’s ok, it’s catch and release…

John can’t understand the instructions to the Bar B Cue, so he’s just going to put the hamburger patties in the toaster, set it to Dark Crust, and hope for the best.

John is sneaking up on the guy at the Bay who squirts you with perfume, and pouring a bucket of “Aqua Velva™” over his head…

John ate a soy bean burger, bean medley, three bean salad, lentil soup, baked beans and a club soda. John didn’t know that much flatulence could come out of one man.

John now knows that if he mows his lawn in a tank top and hot pants, he’s going to get some unsolicited mail from the weight loss clinic down the block…

John is a new character on “Grey’s Anatomy” who steals surgeries, steals girlfriends, and steals lunches from the fridge. He’s called “McWeenie”…

John is selling all his shares of “The Chinese Lead Corporation.” and buying up shares of “The Melamine Company Of China”…

John is on an airplane trying to plug in his “Vic 20™” into the power adapter in the seat….

John and his status may contain content not suitable for younger children, viewer discretion is advised……….. DOODY! POOP! PEE PEE! SARAH PALIN!

John wants everyone to remember that toilets use a lot of water, so the next time the cops come, flush your drugs down a composting toilet. Think green crackhead…

John is wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra and dancing around his living room……… what?…….. it’s Halloween?…….. well……… that’s good…….

John has to admit that he isn’t very cultured. He thought that “The Trojan Women” referred to the girls in the condom ads…

John is at the Staples paying for 1200 colour photocopys, dropping his pants, and hopping on up to the Xerox 700….

John is requesting that all correspondence from the Government of Canada be sent to him in Klingon… (wa’logh vay’ Huch DaSuqta’DI’ yIDIlqa’Qo’….)

John has locked himself in the principle’s office at the local high school and is singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall” over the PA.

John is going through security at the airport with a 5 gallon tub of personal lubricant as carry on luggage….

John is counterfeiting pennies in his basement, filling up a wheel barrow, and buying himself some lunch at the Quizno’s…

John is trying to text his friends using a rotary phone…. (L……click click click click …… O…..click click click……. L….. click click click click)….

John has invented a new confection. He has filled a drinking straw with aspartame. It’s called “Pixie Stix for Diabetics”….

John can’t find the remote for the toilet…

JOHN HAS THE STEREO TURNED UP REAL LOUD, SO YOU’LL HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS SO I CAN HEAR YOU…

John is wearing a pink sombrero to take the focus away from his visible panty lines…

John is rewiring the announcement microphone at the Safeway so that everybody who uses it sounds like Harvey Fierstein…

John saw a clothing factory in New Delhi India explode. It’s a sari state of affairs…

John is at the medical centre, replacing all the signs that say “Gynaecology” with ones that say “Dromedary Podiatrist”…

John is playing “Jenga™” on a roller Coaster…

John is sitting in the waiting room at the cardiologist’s office with a big bucket of lard and a spoon…

John is listening to Elton John. He has a candle in his wind………. and it has a real big blue flame……

John is teaching the kids in the neighbourhood about the first thanksgiving, where pilgrims from Turkey drove around India in a Plymouth…

John wonders if Henry Ford knew that his invention would be the catalyst for economics world wide. Thank god he didn’t invent Mexican wrestling…

John is entering 2 318 008 on his abacus and turning it upside down…

John is genuflecting to the tree, because he was taught at a young age to “Always Respect Your Alders”…

John is getting his thetan cleansed at Trementina Base. This consists of eating Xenu delicacies while watching 12 Tom Cruise Movies back to back…

John is stuffing his mattress with Canadian Tire Money.

John is training his cats to run the “Iditarod”…

John is asking the nice lady at the cosmetics counter if she could shave his back…

John is emerging from the wheat field onto the highway with nothing on but a pair of shoes and screaming “THE LOCUSTS ARE UPON US!”.

John is not happy with the verb he has on the guitar. So he’s changing it to an adjective…

John is rolling a gigantic wheel of cheese down the office corridor and screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! SOMEBODY GET SOME CRACKERS!!!!”

John bought some condoms from the “Ikea”….. they’re called “ShløngBägs”…….

John is setting an alarm clock to go off at 2:30 pm, and leaving it in a safety deposit box at his bank…

John is opening the door to his microwave, turning it on high, and toasting marshmallows on a stick.

John is thinking that “Clay Aiken is gay” is news like “Fire is Hot” is news

John is in a boat in the middle of lake Michigan using a set of divining rods.

John is breaking into peoples cars and installing 8-Track players.

John is making the new members of the atheist club swear allegiance on the bible…

John is twisting his armpit hair into french braids…

John is meeting the conservative candidate dressed as Dumbledore, because nothing scares a PC member like a Gay Wizard…

John is not allowed to ask the people on the bus if they want to wrestle….

John watched Rita MacNeil sing…. so…… I guess it’s over now…

John has the drapes closed while he eats a pizza and watches Debbie Does Dallas because he doesn’t want to get caught masticating to porn.

John thinks quadraphonics is just another stereotype….

John can’t find his face. (This one is in support of “Faceless for the Arts”)

John got a courtesy call from his bank. I asked “Do YOU like paying all those service charges on YOUR accounts?”, she said “We don’t have service charges in India”.

John is at the post office with a boa constrictor asking “Is it true I don’t need postage to mail something to the Prime Minister of Canada?”

John is drawing hopscotch squares on the tarmac at the airport…

John is eating food from each food group, (The Coffee Group, The Beer Group, The Potato Chip Group, and the Pudding Group).

John is buying expired meat products off of e-bay. Wanna come over for a Bar B Cue?

John is replacing all the “Push” signs, with “Pull” signs, on the revolving doors at the airport…

John is at the Home Depot™, puting a warm bottle of Coca Cola™ into a paint shaker…

John is rockin’ the request line for Zellers………… but he doesn’t know what that means…

John is wondering if there is a listeria bacteria hysteria criteria…

John can’t understand why his left eyeball has a french accent…

John is suing Minhas Creek™ for false advertising over their slogan “Damn Good Beer”…

John is disappointed that the new S&M dungeon that opened on the corner doesn’t accept competitor’s coupons. I have a 1/2 price whipping from Penelope’s Pain Hut.

John is traveling to Hans Island and planting a flag for North Korea…

John watched the 85 year old nun in the skydiving accident. Yup, old habbits die hard….

John is writing to the Canada Council for the Arts to get a grant towards probiotic culture…..

John is taking the gear box to the dentist to have it’s teeth cleaned…

John is using Ducolax™ stool softener on a particularly hard piano bench…

John is introducing Krumping to the old folks home.

John is installing whoopee cushions into all the seats on transit busses…

John is participating in a focus group. He is in a movie theatre, screaming at the projectionist to make the picture clearer.

John thinks that there should be a comma on that traffic sign. It says “Slow Children at Play”….

John is buying 32 jars of Cheez Whiz so he can get that extra airmile.

John is at the bank. After the transaction, the teller asked “Is there anything else Mr. Bent?”. I corrected her…”THAT’S MRS. BENT! I’VE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED!

John is at the Tim Hortons ordering an Octuple – Octuple…

John can’t believe he has to wait another 25 years before he gets his seniors discount at the Zellers… So unfair…

John is replacing all the national anthem recordings at the olympic games with “Mini-Pops” CDs. The Azerbaijan Wrestler looks confused, but is singing along anyways.

John and his Ker-Plunk™ team have been disqualified from the olympics for using non-regulation sticks, and marbles filled with helium.

John is at Gordon Ramsey’s new restaurant asking him “Where is the Arby’s Sauce™?” Apparently I’m some sort of donkey.

John is in the neighbour’s “Dora the Explorer” kiddie pool performing his synchronised swimming routine with his cat…. We’re Canadian, so we came in 4th.

John received a deduction from the russian judge because john chose to wear a sombrero and his horse is actually a mop. Dressage is hard.

John thinks that they should consider renaming the weightlifting category that is currently called “Women’s Snatch”. The “Vagina Lift” is much more appropriate….

John will attempt a triple summersault with 1 1/2 twist from the toilet into the bathtub. This dive has a difficulty rating of stupid.

John is removing the leaves and petals from the rose so he can get to those precious, precious stem cells….

John is trying to sell “Vespas” to a motorcycle gang.

John is with Treebeard and the other Ents screaming “Run Forest, Run”….

John is mowing his lawn with 45 goats. And would you look at that… he’s fertilising it too.

John thinks that the convent might be habit forming.

John is playing the home game of some Japanese Game show, and now his living room is full of Jell-O and shaving cream and he is wearing a chicken suit… it’s your turn.

John is painting his house using the forestry service’s water bomber…… it looks like he did his neighbour’s house too…

John is trying on thongs at the La Senza. Security is on the way…

John knows that if you smell toast, it’s a sign of a stroke, just like when you smell mac and cheese it’s a sign of a urinary tract infection, or if you smell bacon you have west nile.

John is taking a turkey to the wardrobe department for basting.

John is dancing the chicken dance. There’s a lot of feathers.

John is installing a rocket engine on a combine.

John is running an outreach program for shoe salesmen that suffer from podophobia.

John is enjoying his new career as a nude model, showing his beer gut to the world. But there is only one student in the class… her painting is called “The Snake Under The Mountain”…

John is supporting his wife, who is mingling at the party, thus he is defending a woman’s right to shmooze…

John is handing out free food at what he thought was a food bank. The manager of this Burger King is none to happy…

John thought that the saying was “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him sink…” John is now in trouble with the SPCA….

John was sick of listening to Stephen Hawking and Bill Gates blather on, so he hurled a dvd of “Basic Instinct” at them. Thus, John killed 2 nerds with Sharon Stone.

John is trying to justify the Iraq war to the neighbour’s flower bed…. Damn… this is good scotch!

John is at the MacDonalds, ordering a McFoie Gras.

John can’t get the taste of “Arby’s” out of his mouth, or the smell out of his clothes…. the last time he was at Arbys was in 1996….

John is making a conscious effort to eat better, so he will only eat 3 deep fried sticks of butter wrapped in bacon instead of 4…. for breakfast… I’m still eating 7 of them for lunch…

John is squatting in the middle of a jewellery store in nothing but a loincloth, caressing a wedding band and screaming “MY PRECIOUS!”

John put up a sign on his lawn, but there was a typo, instead of saying “Yard Sale” it said “Yarn Sale”. Now his kitchen is full of old women and cats…

John was cooking sausages until they started to sweat, so he applied some antiperspirant. Made for an interesting goulash…

John is at the Safeway trying to buy an extended warranty on a can of Tuna (including 3 years parts and labour). The checkout girl is starting to cry…

John is smoking a brisket. It took a long time to find papers that big…

John is living in the past. Could someone invent the time machine and come and get me? Thanks.

John has finished his new concerto in F for percussion (it includes a 35 minute triangle solo in the 9th movement)…

John is eating a HUGE bowl of chilli, then going to the mall, entering the Hudson Bay Company, and farting all over the guy who tries to spray him with perfume…

John administering the hymlich manoeuvre on a mosquito… GIVE… ME… BACK… MY… BLOOD… YOU… BITCH!

John is confused as to why people would call him incompetent… he hasn’t peed his pants for years…

John is at Scotia Bank. They say I’m “richer than I think”. I think I have 20 million dollars invested in sorghum. Apparently it doesn’t work that way…

John has a VERY angry cat on his hands because he thought that the flea and tick medication was a suppository.

John has a TV that is not compatible with HDTV… that’s because it’s just a cardboard box and a pair of sock puppets…. Now go away, I’m watching 2 & 1/2 Socks…

John has gone to Limbo, but there is no crossbar with people shouting “how low can you go”….. WHAT KIND OF PARTY IS THIS ANYWAYS!

John is writing a new Peanuts book where the gang works in a McDonalds restaurant. It’s called “Good Grease Charlie Brown”.

John is in Egypt, playing “Got Your Nose!!!” with the Sphinx…..

John can’t decide which is worse. A cataclysmic terrestrial catastrophe that terminates existence as we know it…….. or brussel sprouts….

John wouldn’t have fallen off the turnip truck if the darned thing had some seat belts…

John offers this advice. Consult a doctor if your erection lasts more than 36 hours….. especially if you’re female….

John loves gardening, but is disappointed in his carrots… so he’s ordered this new Swedish carrot enlarger he saw in a magazine…. I think it was Swank.

John is wondering if Ham Radios are kosher?

John is writing an advice column for his local newspaper entitled “Whaddya Want Stupid?”

John is ordering a Big Mac at a Vegan Restaurant….

John thought that he was on some kind of reality show, turns out he was just at work…

John is bringing his betamax to the Best Buy for repair…

John has abandoned his new business venture. Cigarette vending machines that only take pennies….

John thinks that the instructions should say to remove the contents of the can of soup BEFORE you put it in the microwave…

John has discovered a new source of renewable energy using a see-saw and nuns. It’s called a force of habit….

John understands advanced calculus……. wait….. that’s the little thing in the drawer with the buttons right? no? oh……. John does not understand advanced calculus.

John was caught skinny dipping in the neighbour’s kiddie pool……

John has a singed couch, skittish cats, and a house that smells like sulphur, while he perfects his invention of indoor fireworks…

John is appalled by the rising price of gas, so he has installed a swimming pool liner in his basement, and filled it with gasoline just to be safe.

John is baffled by the instructions…. what the hell is a reservoir tip?

John is surprised that his cat would open with a Benoni (Taimanov Variation) when I am using the Grünfeld defence. It’s going to make for a very interesting endgame…

John is playing grab ass with a donkey…

John has qualified for the Canadian National Ker-Plunk™ team. Well, he got in by default because the other players were caught with performance enhancing drugs and marbles filled with helium.

John has entered the 7-11, poured coffee into a Super Big Gulp cup, and asked the clerk “Do you have any sleeves? this is burning my hand”.

John is playing “Stump the Walmart greeter”…. “Quick, name 5 things in this store not made in China”.

John is using grecian formula on his chest hair…

John has started up his own cell phone company, but coverage is limited to the length of the string on the paper cup.

John is testing that old theory “pants first, then shoes”.

John grabbing the bull by the horns…… the bull didn’t like that very much…… John would like to thank all the staff at the St Boniface Emergency room…..

John ain’t as slow as he oughtta be thanks to his educations….

John is inventing a new ice cream using chocolate, mint, and haggis. Very popular in rural Scotland.

John is not eligible for the colouring contest in today’s paper even though he mostly stayed inside the lines….

John is clearing the snow off his sidewalks with napalm…

John can’t find the remote for the toaster….

John is learning the finer points of feline telepathy……. “get the mouse, scratch the couch, bounce off the walls, is that tuna?”

John is whippin’ up a whole mess of food. Actually he just forgot to put the top on the blender so we’ll just call it a mess…

John is opening a breakfast restaurant that caters only to ballet Dancers. The menu will be coffee, cigarettes, and angst.

John is leaving the maternity store in disgust. Everything in the store is too small for him.

John yelling at the clerk from the Chinese Grocery Store. “Where in God’s name is the Calgon!” I thought it was an ancient secret of yours!!!

John is using a breathing strip to cure his snoring. John’s wife is using a baseball bat to cure John’s snoring.

John is giving into peer pressure by eating the worm. And I didn’t even know scotch had a worm in it.

John is going to try to jump start his day, but he can’t figure out which nipple is positive and which nipple is negative.

John is streamlining the operation by trimming the fat, but his 3rd chin is dulling the scissors.

John is gonna have to get him one of those new fangled machines….. you know…. a whatchacallit…. toaster.

John is sneaking up behind his wife and pinching her ass at the grocery store. That’s not John’s wife. John is running from a very angry lady.

John is writing a new opera based on TV’s “The Office”. It’s called “The Magic Schrewt”.

John is getting his second wind. Here’s hoping it’s not as smelly as his first one.

John is dedicating his status to Thomas Hancock, the inventor of the Rubber Band. May his urn be kept closed by some sort of elastic device…

John is taking a viagra so he has a place to hang his coat…

John is being asked to break the laws of physics. John will appealing, and naming Sir Isaac Newton as his alibi…

John is going to his financial advisor’s office with his ouija board. “This thing says to put all my money in something called Bre-X”.

John is inventing new pastas for Chef Boyardee. Goat-a-roni and scampi pressed into the shapes of Disney characters….

John is confronting the Santa Claus at the mall “You still owe me a rock em sock em robots from 1975, you fat bastard!”

John is filling balloons with propane, tying roman candles to them, and letting them go in the neighbours yard. Merry Christmas!

John is growing hair in unusual places….. like his cheese drawer.

John is getting old. I picked up a magazine and started to read an article in it. It took me almost an hour to realise it was a Playboy….

John is spreading a rumour at the Toys R Us that Santa Claus is only delivering toys to children who watch the CBC…. There were many tears.

John is in the twighlight of his beers…… or last call to the layman.

John is at a crossroads in his life, but the lights are on the fritz so I’m waiting for a traffic cop.

John is eating a pack of mentos and drinking 2 litres of diet coke. I call it “one bent ass fountain”.

John is laughing at the size 56 underwear……. oh wait….. those are mine.

John is cheating on his blood test….. I got an A.

John is late for band practice. He forgot to bring his large brass string instrument and has to go back, because home is where the harp is….

John is in the zone….. there’s no beer in the zone….. just motivational speeches and energy drinks….. the zone sucks…… I’m going back to the couch with a remote.

John is rewriting history. From now on, the lightbulb was invented by Hal Roach, and the father of modern medicine is Bea Arthur.

John is sitting on a gold mine, and now his bum hurts.

John is opening a new store that only carries quality products. No crap. He’s calling it “The Doody Free Shop”.

John is going to one of the buildings that house telemarketers and sell them Amway products……

John is wondering if calgon is still an ancient chinese secret. Does it contain lead?

John is reorganising the fabric in his wife’s sewing room by the corresponding Rosco Gel Number. John’s wife is smacking John upside the head.

John is thinking his property value is too high. So he is erecting a 42 foot statue of the hamburgler on his front lawn….

John is stoking his furnace with coal…. oh…… natural gas? huh………now John needs a new furnace….. and someplace to put 40 tons of coal.

John is shipping toys to China that contain Tibetan scripture.

John is inventing a new scotch with lots of peat…. actually it’s a bottle of turpentine with some dirt in it…. but it’s 12 years old!

John is a proud graduate from the school of hard knocks… I majored in “shave and a haircut….. 2 bits”. That knock takes rhythm. It’s hard.

John is gonna get his comeuppance…. but he’s gonna wait until the canadian price of comeuppance matches the american price.

John is scared of things he can not see….. John is scared of his chin, interest rates, and air.

John is taking a correspondence course on underwear modelling.

John is crushing ice with a paper shredder.

John is wrestling his cat for the last cheeto….

John is waxing poetic. Actually he just left a candle burn too long on a copy of Wordsworth.

John is confused by his new software. It says that it requires a “Dongle”…… It’s a what?…… Oh…… OK….. I’ll put my pants back on.

John is gonna make some hash brownies, but I first need to buy some Corned Beef.

John is being confused for a yeti.

John is trying to remember where he left his pants.

John is in his element. Yup, nothing like being submerged in a little bentonium.

John is fantasising about a world without shag carpet. The seventies were VERY different.

John is in a cell phone store performing shakespeare soliloquies….. see how they like it….. telecommunication bastards.

John is inventing a new kind of car that runs off of bad TV…… oops….. flooded it.

John is rappin with the youngsters. Talking about the good ol days, when Michael Jackson was black, and Paula Abdul could sing.

John is knocking on doors in the neighbourhood wearing nothing but a diaper and a giant lollypop. Practising for halloween.

John is always a bridesmaid, never a grandmother…..

John in over his head…… but if I stand up….. I’m in over my ankles…..

John is just as surprised at you about that thing……. wow….. what are we gonna do about that?

John is hunkering down……… what’s a hunker?

John is hiding security tags in peoples shoes, and then watching them set off the alarms at the Wal-Mart…..

John is pretending that he’s drowning in one of the bins at “The Bra Barn”.

John is giving slobs a bad name, but giving smelly people a good one.

John is inventing the strongest fridge magnet ever conceived….. All of his soda pop cans are stuck to the inside of the door…

John is putting the lotion in the basket so he doesn’t get the hose.

John is tempting fate….. with bacon.

John is drying out his socks using the waffle iron.

John is writing a musical ballad about the downfall of “The Facts of Life”.

John is suffering from Pon Farr, but can’t figure out how he is going to get to Alberta…..

John is puzzled why Best Buy won’t accept competitors coupons. Woodward’s is a competitor.

John is out of apples, so we will be giving out eggs this halloween. That should end well.

John is mooning people from his living room window.

John is starting a new cult. We will sit and a circle and talk to the ghost of Earnest Borgnine….

John is reading the christmas wish book, and so far, there is no pony in it.

John is a fan of spare the rod, spoil the butter.

John buying 6 gallons of personal lubricant and spreading all over his front walk…. gonna be one hell of a slip n’ slide!!

John is ordering the broccoli au gratin because he wants to see what broccoli tastes like with Ice Cream.

John is just a kid at heart, but an old guy at liver.

John is trying to get that stick out of his arse…… should never have sat in the bamboo field.

John is tattooing some extra rings around his aureola.

John is knitting his own underwear.

John is really sorry and would like to apologise to his dinner guests….. I really thought that salmonella was a flavour.

John is wondering why he’s sick. it might be his homemade foie gras ice cream.

John is celebrating “Yom Kippur” with fireworks and a parade.

John is uh…… is…….. can I get back to you? Football is on……..

John is throwing a 750hz filter into a guitar flange with a 137ms delay to the fill speaker in the lobby on a 9 second graduated fade…………… uh…………. sorry……….. sound joke.

John is asking the teenaged boy at the Best Buy where he can find “Pong” for his Playstation 3…

John is hearing voices again….. this one’s saying “GO!!! GO!!!!! DAMIT JOHN GO ON SOUND 17!!!! I wonder what it means….

John is banging his head against a brick wall. He’s testing hard-hats for worker’s comp. This one doesn’t work that well…. banana purple gumbo….

John is marketing a do-it-yourself bris kit, or diybk. Text it to your jewish friends.

John is hanging off a sleepover….

John is busking. His rendition of “Freebird” on the gazoo is something special…..

John is getting on the bus in a skin tight green spandex jump suit and asking directions to the hall of justice….

John is planting the spring bulbs. Lilly, daffodil, and light…..

John is running around the tiger cage with hot dogs in his pockets…..

John is attaching a leaf blower to a set of bagpipes……

John is smearing vanishing cream on his credit card bill…

John is shaking his fist at a billboard on the highway and filming the reactions of the drivers…

John is covering his entire house with tin foil so he can stop wearing it on his head……

John is dying his armpit hair pink…..

John is pouring 14 bottles of bubble bath into the fountain at the mall……

John is chasing squirrels around his yard wearing nothing but a toga and an “Alf” mask. John’s neighbours are keeping their kids inside today….

John is selling bacon door to door in support of PETA……..

John is eating 3 bulbs of garlic and a jar of pickled sausage in order to create a new odour for axe body spray…. “odeur de Stage Hand”.

John is at the geology department at the University, kissing rocks…. one of them must be a Blarney….

John is trying on bikini’s at the Zellers…… he’s not allowed in the Wal-Mart no more…..

John is juggling 2 guinea pigs, 3 gerbils and a ferret. Lots of Band-Aids…..

John is fixing his laptop with a 5 pound sledgehammer.

John is running the Boston Marathon…. on his “Playstation”.

John is adding 1-900-FUN-CHAT to his “My Five”.

John is a new superhero. Captain Carbohydrate. I fight crime by eating bread with pasta….. hmmm…… I think I hear a cry for help….. pass me a bowl of linguine and a roll.

John is filling his supersoaker with “Nutella” and terrorising the dutch.

John is next in line for a taint transplant. It was a bitch to find a donor.

John is inventing a new sandwich for McDonalds called the McGlutton. It contains 3 patties, 9 pieces of bacon, 2 fried eggs and a generous portion of uncooked duck fat.

John is embarrassed. He thought that package of Viargas were M&Ms and he ate the whole thing….. Oh well, at least he won’t need a belt to hold up his pants anymore.

John is going out to tip some cows….. but he’s not sure if Rachael Ray will fall over when he pushes her.

John is very cold. I wonder if it has anything to do with that Dry Ice Suppository I took an hour ago.

John is taking brownies to the old age home. They have a a special ingredient baked in. No….. not hash……… Viagra!

John is asking his doctor whether diethylstilbestrol is right for him.

John is watching his weight by using a butter substitute…… Pork Fat!!!…. it’s great on corn.

John is thinking he should have trimmed the cats nails BEFORE he grabbed them and jumped into a swimming pool.

John is surfing the internet looking for porn, but he can’t find any.

John is playing a mandolin in a cooking supply store…. and now he’s missing some fingers.

John is writing his own dictionary. (abbreviated, n – JBJ) (boned, adj – JBJ in trouble) (commode, n – where JBJ reads)……. I smell best seller!

John is making magic glue by rendering a Unicorn.

John is whipping it out to show the world…….. My leatherman…… why………. what did you think I meant?

John is blowing out the candles the nurse stuck in his pabulum.

John is not easily distracted! I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have focus, and can…….. oh….. look…… shiny!

John is marketing a new wood burning set called “Fisher-Price My First Arson Kit”…… Warning, may contain lead.

John is a mule. He’s smuggling something called “placebo” into Saskatchewan. Drug store ran out of regular condoms so he’s using french ticklers.

John is not smarter than a 5th grader, but his cat is smarter than Jeff Foxworthy

John is creating the greatest novel ever written. He has 1 million monkeys and 1 million typewriters. His basement smells bad.

John is teaching inner city school kids how to play the banjo.

John is in over his head. Do I add the cheese powder while it boils, or do I just throw the box into the microwave and hope for the best?

John is reeling in pain after using his new “Thigh Master” he picked up from the dollar store. Actually it was labelled “Theeigh Mister”.

John is clutching at straws…. and the clerk at the 7-11 is begging him to stop.

John is trying to light a cigarette with a tazer. His smoke won’t light, and now he has a Brazilian.

John is at the hotel taking a shower. Went to grab the soap, and grabbed the shoe polish instead.

John is giving into sin and worshipping a false Canadian Idol.

John is trying to be cool by snorting coke, but the bubbles hurt his nose.

John is changing his phone to vibrate, putting it down his pants, and calling himself….. but in order for this to work, he has to stop answering it.

John is sleeping with the enemy, and Darth Vader really puts out!

John is making waves…… by farting in the bath tub.

John is no longer John Bent Jr. From now on he shall be known as Senior Cabeza de Hueso Mala Grande.

John is going to the bank to cash the cheque he got in the mail from some publishers thingy. It’s for 10 million dollars! I’ll never have to work again!

John is going to defrost a can of soup in the microwave. Ooohhh Aaaahhhh….. look at the fireworks.

John is watching the TV. Tonight’s show is kinda boring and repetitive, but with great effects. I think it’s finding nemo….. oh….. wait…… that’s the aquarium.

John is not going to be invited back to the neighbours place. Apparently Croquette is not full contact. Ahh…. that 6 year old’s arm will heal.

John is going grocery shopping with an enormous jar of pennies…. nobody gets in line behind me!

John is watching that report on the CBC about how employers use facebook pages for employment decisions. On a completely separate note, Larry Isacoff is a really really wonderful guy.

John is spanking the monkey… it keeps stealing all the bananas from the pantry ….. why….. what did you think I meant?

John is making up for lost time by pretending it’s January….. Cold enough for ya?

John is listening to his inner child, and it’s saying “Hey I need that money for my lunch… Stop punching me… I’m telling!”

John is teaching his cat to mow the lawn. It’s not going so good.

John is regretting what he said to the hairdresser. He wanted to look like Luke Skywalker, so he said “Give me a Hamill!” The hairdresser thought he meant Dorothy Hamill….

John is learning that the laundry instructions on his clothes are not mere suggestions. Oh Well, Pink shirts that are 5 sizes too small are coming back in style for middle aged men.

John is reading the instructions on his instant soup. 1) Boil Water, 2) pour to fill line, 3) wait 5 minutes, 4) enjoy! SOUP, YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

John is thinking he got the ingredients mixed up. He used 1/2 tablespoon of flour and 3 1/4 cups of baking soda. The bread machine exploded.

John is surprised how little fat there is in a serving of Ice Cream….. what?…… the whole bucket is not considered a serving? Oh…. Never mind then.

John is making a donation to the stupid grocery clerk fund of Canada.

John is in the bushes waiting for the paperboy. When the paperboy arrives he will jump up and yell “OOGA BOOGA” and chase him down the street brandishing a rake and wearing nothing but a feather boa. This is the only reason he subscribes to the paper.

John is getting to know the muffin man, so when somebody asks, he can say “YES! I know the muffin man! Do you know the Doughnut Lady?”

John is settling in with some popcorn to watch the Weather Network Marathon.

John is in a Star Trek episode wearing a Red shirt. The dancing green lady is gonna kill me.

John is stuck in the Jello tree.

John is sweating to the oldies.

John is going to the grocery store to pick up a bucket of Trans Fat.

John is getting a price check on Kosher Ham.

John is washing that grey right out of my hair.

John is teaching the five year old next door to swear.

John is winning friends with Salad.

John is looking at a worm in his garden, trying to figure out how a it’s hole can effect time and space. Einstein is full of it.

John is just another cog in the machine. But at least the machine makes candy.

John is sitting in front of his house, in a lawn chair, naked, greeting all the people going to the church at the end of the block.

John is going to make an effort to be more politically correct. From now on, the capital of Saskatchewan is Rah-Jay-Jay.

John is regretting his decision to treat life like a commercial. This morning on the bus he pointed at a woman and said “you, shake your junk!” It did not end well.

John is only 2 stamps away from a free sub…. What do you mean they cancelled the stamp program? That Jared is an asshole.

John is embarrassed. Apparently “Coif” means hairdo. “Queef” means something different entirely.

John is puzzled by the candy machine in the women’s washroom.

John is in the public eye. A little visine will clear that right up.

John is still digging out that thong. HA! Try and get that image out of your head!

John is the one who got the Gilmore Girls cancelled.

John is in a mind meld with the toaster….. I…. AM…… KURAK!!!

John is writing a letter to his MLA about the lack of hot dog vendors outside his front door.

John is trying to get that damned tune out of his head….. “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale….”

John is regretting his decision to treat life like a commercial. Today he approached the produce guy at the Safeway and said “bah chucka wah wah” while shaking his hips. He got a fat lip for his trouble.

John is abandoning his world record attempt at consecutive Kenny G songs listened to. The current record is 3 held by Kenny G.

John is that fifth dentist that does not recommend “Crest”. Instead he recommends smearing maple syrup on your teeth. I don’t have many patients.

John is tying up the CEO of “Axe” body spray, and playing the “bow chicka wah wah” commercial over and over again until his head explodes.

John is inventing a new kind of mustard…

John is in the shower… and wondering if it will be bad for his laptop.

One thought on “Facebook Statuses

  1. You are a very, very multifaceted man Mr. John!

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