Monthly Archives: March 2014

I had a great title for this, but I forget what it was.

Have you ever walked into a store and forgotten what you were going to buy, or why you walked in to the establishment in the first place? Have you ever put something down somewhere thinking it would be the perfect place to put that thing so you wouldn’t forget… and then promptly forget where that place was? Or what it was you put there? Or when you thought it would be a perfact place? Or how to spell perfect?

Apparently it happens to everyone at some point for various reasons. Some factors could be age, sleep deprivation, stress, a case and a half of Schlitz, or something shiny/fuzzy/naked that catches your eye. I read that somewhere, but I forget where that was. I think there was a study done too… or something…

Did I leave the oven on before I left the house? No… no I didn’t, that’s right, I had half a bag of expired Doritos and a packet of mustard for lunch, I didn’t use the oven.

What were we talking about?

Oh ya. I forgot, we’re talking about that thing that I forgot about.

So I went to the doctor to see if there was something wrong with me.

“Dude! I seem to be forgetting things these days, I keep misplacing stuff and thoughts just slip my memory. I think I have the senile.”

“Ok, first off, is there any history of this kind of thing in your family?”

“I don’t think so… actually I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! Was I supposed to remember this? Oh God!”

“Calm down, calm down. It could be because of lifestyle, or lack of certain nutrients. Do you get enough zinc? You could start taking some Ginkgo biloba or another supplement to help.”

“How do I get more zinc? Chew on my pocket change? And isn’t Kinky Balboa that wrestler with the really big hair. I forget.”

“Do you get enough sleep every night?”

“I’m supposed to sleep EVERY night?”

“That could be your problem. You could also just get some tests done. Blood, urine, stool, MRI, CAT scan, and maybe a biopsy of your brain.”

“Maybe I’ll just stick with the zinc and Binky Cordoba, I’m not comfortable with you scooping out my brain material. Thanks doc.”

“No problem. And you know I’m not a doctor, I’m a bartender.”

“Whatever, you give good advice. Give me another Crème de Menthe and Red Bull and charge it to my Blue Cross.”

“We can’t do that. And your choice of aperitif may be part of your problem. I told you that last time.”

“Ya, I remember.”

“There ya go! You’re getting better already!”

I think I’ll be fine in the long run, and this is just a part of getting older, but sometimes it’s annoying when you take the time to pack a lunch of mustard flavoured Doritos and Red Bull and forget it on the counter beside your keys and the oven that you left on…

There was something else I was going to say… but I forget.


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Ten Lists that you thought you didn’t need. Number five will change your life.

In the course of our lives, we make lists. A lot of lists. To do lists, shopping lists, mailing lists, content lists, ingredient lists, enemy lists; they help keep us organised and make our lives easier. In my chosen profession there are lists that are essential to a production. Props lists, preshow check lists, cast lists, cue lists… the list goes on.

But there is this online trend with lists that is starting to get out of hand. These lists that are formatted as “(a number) things that you didn’t/did/should know about a thing/movie/star/personality type”.

What the heck is with all of these lists lately? Every time I turn around there is a new link to a list of things that I just have to know about a thing, or didn’t know about something, or signs that point to a thing. There are so many lists now, that there are websites that are just lists of these lists… and there are a lot of them, too many to list here.

I blame David Letterman. He started it in the eighties with his Top Ten lists. Back then most of those lists just ended in “And the number one thing about this thing……Oprah”.

So, in order to save you from the endless clicking and liking of the lists in your Facebook newsfeed, I’ve compiled some of the most common and most important lists that you may have thought you didn’t need…

Ten things that your cat is trying to tell you.

  1. I’m Hungry.
  2. Feed me.
  3. I would like food.
  4. Sustenance is requested.
  5. I could eat.
  6. Time for breakfast.
  7. Time for lunch.
  8. Time for dinner.
  9. Time for a snack.
  10. It is mealtime.

Five signs that you are richer than you think.

  1. There is money falling out of your pockets.
  2. Your house is very, very large.
  3. Your Chauffeur wears an expensive suit.
  4. The new upholstery in your private jet is pretty.
  5. They spelled your name right on that building they named after you.

Seven things that successful people don’t do.

  1. Levitate.
  2. Combust.
  3. Shape shift.
  4. Breathe underwater.
  5. Run faster than the speed of light.
  6. Blow things up with their mind.
  7. Be unsuccessful.

Nine things you might not know about Star Wars.

  1. It is fiction.
  2. It rhymes with Car Doors.
  3. It is a series of movies.
  4. It’s about a war in the stars.
  5. It is not The Godfather.
  6. It also rhymes with Bar S’mores.
  7. It was popular.
  8. It was never referenced to in the Gone with the Wind novel or movie.
  9. Jar Jar Binks shot first.

Fourteen Performance Art Pieces you’ve never heard of.

  • B) Purple.
  • Q) An orange gecko swimming in a marshmallow idea.
  • Ü) Spit monkey merry-go-round.
  • &) Jar Jar Binks shot first.
  • स) The Price is Right.

Two other uses for cotton swabs.

  1. Clean your right ear.
  2. Clean your left ear.

Six low calorie foods that may not be nutritious.

  1. Very small rocks.
  2. Paper.
  3. A bowl of air.
  4. Dirt.
  5. Your hat.
  6. Very large rocks.

Eight things people who are dying regret.

  1. Eating that poison mushroom.
  2. Falling from that really really high place.
  3. Exploding.
  4. Wearing that keen double breasted asbestos suit while smoking fifteen cigarettes and drinking nine glasses of benzine everyday.
  5. Teasing that grizzly bear with a salmon.
  6. Playing with those plutonium rods.
  7. Exiting the spacecraft without a spacesuit.
  8. Dying.

Four books to skip for your summer reading list.

  1. Phone book.
  2. Coupon book.
  3. Cheque book.
  4. Carpet sample book.

Six ways to generate traffic to your webpage.

  1. Nudity.
  2. Death Hoaxes.
  3. More Nudity.
  4. Free stuff.
  5. Naked people.
  6. Lists.

And those are the ten lists that you thought you didn’t need. Turns out that you were right and you don’t need them and I’ve wasted a good 3 minutes of your life with a list, just like most of the other lists out there. And like number 10 says, lists of this nature end up generating traffic to a website… and I thank you for being added to my list.


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